A Children's Treasury Of Free Stuff For Douches At CPAC

CPAC offers conservative organizations a three-day window in which to reach the most receptive possible audience. How to make an impression when there are so many competing messages? Be armed with compelling information and persuasive arguments? Sure, that might work! Just to be safe, many also came with boxes full of premium conservative tchotchkes.

The uncoolest only had things to read, on paper.

People are busy! Can't you fit it on a tote bag?

Conservatives Concerned about the Death Penalty probably faced an uphill climb from the outset. A couple of insulated coffee mugs or beer cozies would have killed them?

We were crushed to find out that even joining the email list for War on Youth , a spinoff of Uncle Speculum's cruel masters Generation Opportunity, would not entitle us to our own miniblimp. What are they even doing with all that Koch money? 

Hoping to spread the word about their exciting original programming, including their new show Sarah Palin's Jolly Time Outdoor Killing Hour , the Sportsman Channel came through the press pen handing out flash drives of "promotional material." We kept ours in its plastic and sent it out for analysis, expecting that it might fill our computer with keystroke-logging viruses or, worse, promotional material on Sarah Palin's new show.