For real-time information about the #WarOnChristmas, refer to the Wonkette war Twitter . The time has arrived, as it does every year, for America to be besieged by that familiar and insidious enemy: Christmas. We have endured its tyranny for 2,000 years, with its manger scenes, its mint-flavored everything, its bearded occupation of J.C. Penny locations nationwide. Christmas flaunts its influence from the gilded trees in suburban bay windows across our land, mocking us while hijacking the radio waves for reindeer idolatry and the glorification of little boys with drums.
Seriously, though, better an <em>imaginary</em> war on an intangible concept than a throw-millions-of-people-in-jail war on a conceptual grouping of chemicals or a rain-death-from-sky-robots-onto-weddings war on an intangible concept.
Can we just skip ahead to the Christian Death Camps? Between the gay indoctrination and scraping &quot;In God We Trust&quot; off all my spare change, my next month&#039;s kind of booked up already.
There&#039;re still a few <a href="http:\/\/www.washingtonpost.com\/business\/wal-mart-union-protests-fail-to-deter-bargain-seeking-crowds\/2012\/11\/23\/a87e2484-358a-11e2-92f0-496af208bf23_story.html" target="_blank">battles</a> to be fought.
People of the Swing Republics of Nevada, Iowa, Ohio, and Virginia! Throw off the chains of the oppressors! Built your own weapons of mass secularization!
Uh-oh. Is this a desperate attempt to revive the old warblog days? When the war goes sour, will we try to convince ourselves that it was somehow a success?
&quot;We know where the items of mass consumption are. They&#039;re in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.&quot;
Reporters will head there and find only old, shuttered Walmarts and abandoned Twinkies factories.
Wait, I thought that demanding that shopkeepers say &quot;Happy Holidays&quot; instead of Christmas was accomplishing all this destruction and more?
so someone IS punching grover norquist in the dick.
Well, it&#039;s cold outside. A man&#039;s gotta do something to keep warm.
Keep the Yule in Yuletide!
Yeah, everybody does that this time of y... wait a minute! It&#039;s an infiltrator! SPY! SPY!
Good grief
You know who else thought opening an Eastern Front would be a good idea?
Needz moar #WAR!
Seriously, though, better an <em>imaginary</em> war on an intangible concept than a throw-millions-of-people-in-jail war on a conceptual grouping of chemicals or a rain-death-from-sky-robots-onto-weddings war on an intangible concept.
Is there an other holiday on earth that lasts as long or generates as much interest and revenue? War on Christmas? We lost years ago.
That pyramid looks kind of wobbly to me.
Can we just skip ahead to the Christian Death Camps? Between the gay indoctrination and scraping &quot;In God We Trust&quot; off all my spare change, my next month&#039;s kind of booked up already.
Listen! You can hear it already:
âªâ« Come, they told me, barrup-a-bum-bum....âªâ«
&quot;tweet your tweeters&quot;? Can I just beat my blumbloopas, and wham my whowonkas?
There&#039;re still a few <a href="http:\/\/www.washingtonpost.com\/business\/wal-mart-union-protests-fail-to-deter-bargain-seeking-crowds\/2012\/11\/23\/a87e2484-358a-11e2-92f0-496af208bf23_story.html" target="_blank">battles</a> to be fought.
Time to oil up the fruitcake catapults* and check their spring mechanisms. The Christers will never see us coming.
From the fully fledged blue state of Colorado: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watc..." target="_blank">" rel="nofollow noopener" title="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-iGRbLWBao">http://www.youtube.com/watc...
From the blue enclave of increasingly blue North Carolina: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watc..." target="_blank">" rel="nofollow noopener" title="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OrAGRjqem4">http://www.youtube.com/watc...
People of the Swing Republics of Nevada, Iowa, Ohio, and Virginia! Throw off the chains of the oppressors! Built your own weapons of mass secularization!
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*That is, these things: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photo..." target="_blank">" rel="nofollow noopener" title="http://www.flickr.com/photos/68961023@N00/2170202...">http://www.flickr.com/photo.... Not to be confused with this thing: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watc..." target="_blank">" rel="nofollow noopener" title="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tt_YcQlYxyY">http://www.youtube.com/watc...
Uh-oh. Is this a desperate attempt to revive the old warblog days? When the war goes sour, will we try to convince ourselves that it was somehow a success?
&quot;We know where the items of mass consumption are. They&#039;re in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.&quot;
Reporters will head there and find only old, shuttered Walmarts and abandoned Twinkies factories.
Wait, I thought that demanding that shopkeepers say &quot;Happy Holidays&quot; instead of Christmas was accomplishing all this destruction and more?