Wonkette

Share this post

A Titillating Story About Alex Jones's Nipples Soaking In Authentic Texas BBQ

www.wonkette.com

Discover more from Wonkette

Wonkette is filthy, hilarious, liberal news. YOU CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Over 18,000 subscribers
Continue reading
Sign in

A Titillating Story About Alex Jones's Nipples Soaking In Authentic Texas BBQ

Evan Hurst
Feb 28, 2017
Share this post

A Titillating Story About Alex Jones's Nipples Soaking In Authentic Texas BBQ

www.wonkette.com
460
Share

guh-ross

BREAKING NEWS, everyone, but wingnut conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, a pal of Donald Trump's, is one weird fuckin' goober. This is not news to Americans who read internet dot com on the regular, but Germany's  Der Spiegel  magazine did a profile of Jones, and there is indeed interesting new information in it! No, it is not about how Alex Jones believes Barack Obama did 9/11 with chemtrails or thinks Sandy Hook was a false flag mass shooting (he literally believes that), because again, American readers already know that!

Now we want to be clear, before we share this, that it was printed first in Der Spiegel , because as we all know, Wonkette's reputation suffered a near-fatal blow when Alex Jones labeled us as fake news. WE ARE NOT THE ORIGINATORS OF THIS STORY. Now feast on Alex Jones's Texas BBQ-flavored nipples, because this is a thing the nice German journalist had to experience at Jones's studios in Austin:

It's afternoon, and Jones is walking through the studio, his adrenaline level high and his blood sugar low. He needs to get something to eat. Platters of BBQ - chicken, beef and sausages - are set out on a table in the conference room. "Good barbecue," says Jones. "You tasted it already?"

Texas BBQ sucks, SCIENCE FACT.

He piles up food onto a plastic plate, and then he suddenly takes off his shirt without explanation. With his bare torso, he sits there and shovels meat into his mouth, a caricature of manliness, but also a show of power to the reporter sitting in front of him. He can do as he pleases.

That is not even a "caricature" of manly. That is a chunky conspiracy theorist guy sitting around naked with BBQ chicken and beef and sausage dribbling through the sea of fur that covers his shoulders, his nipple parts, and his love handles. He probably does that every night in bed too.

Then Jones gets up and holds out a sausage. "Wanna suck?" he asks.

Oh for Christ's sake, which sausage did he hold up? Was it HIS sausage or one of the sausages from the plate? No, we don't want to #FakeNews that thought into your head, surely he just wanted the nice German journalist to suck one of the sausages on the plate, because that's a normal interaction with a journalist!

There are other things in the Der Spiegel story, but you don't care, because you're busy throwing up right now.

 If Wonkette didn't search the internet and find these stories for you, you wouldn't even be THINKING about Alex Jones's sticky naked body right now. THANK US, WITH A DONATION!  

[ Der Spiegel ]

Want to just donate once?

Share this post

A Titillating Story About Alex Jones's Nipples Soaking In Authentic Texas BBQ

www.wonkette.com
460
Share
Previous
Next
460 Comments
Share this discussion

A Titillating Story About Alex Jones's Nipples Soaking In Authentic Texas BBQ

www.wonkette.com
Bell the Blind Tiger MCD
Aug 16

I will draw you a map.

Expand full comment
Reply
Share
Bell the Blind Tiger MCD
Aug 16

me too, but I promised myself I'd wait until I got home. I really want a Spider House Frito Pie!

Expand full comment
Reply
Share
458 more comments...
Top
New
Community

No posts

Ready for more?

© 2023 Commie Girl Industries Inc.
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start WritingGet the app
Substack is the home for great writing