After Primary Wins, Trump Declares Self Nominee, President, God-Emperor Of Dune

Same as it ever was, same as it ever was...

Donald Trump won all the primaries Tuesday, and while he still hasn't clinched the Republican nomination, he's tired of waiting, so he proclaimed himself the winner already and got on with the important business of Making America Great Again, again. The brand-new collaboration between Ted Cruz and John Kasich was an enormous success, with the two winning perhaps 10 out of 118 delegates combined.

Trump himself was feeling pretty confident; in his victory speech/press conference/self-coronation, he said, "I consider myself the presumptive nominee [...] This is a far bigger win than we expected." He also added, in a spark of insight, "This one's a diverse victory.... Every one of them is conclusive and every state is so different." We were ready for him to go on to explain how each state has a different name and shape, but his mind moved on to other things, like what a terrific president he'll be after he easily beats Hillary Clinton, assuming she's not in jail before the general election.

Having gotten the nomination out of the way, at least in his head, he went on to explain that he'd easily trounce Clinton, saying more than once that she'll be no more difficult to beat than his Republican primary rivals. Then, after he's been President for a while, he'll declare himself Sheikh of Araby, the Last King of Scotland, Head Motherfucker in Charge, and King Shit of the Universe.

Trump also said it was time for Ted Cruz and the other one, John something, to drop out of the race immediately so he could start unifying the Republican party, with duct tape and Krazy Glue if necessary. Not that he'd ever sound cocky or anything:

“When the boxer knocks out the other boxer, you don’t have to wait around for a decision,” he said boastfully at an election-night appearance before supporters at Trump Tower in New York. He added: “As far as I’m concerned, it’s over.”

In what appeared to be a repeat of Trump's parading around a defeated rival to prove he's the Alpha Republican, Trump once again appeared with Chris Christie (possibly drugged or hypnotized; we're only asking) standing behind him, looking shell-shocked. The tweetosphere was uncertain whether Christie's presence signaled the formerly combative New Jersey governor is destined to be a vice-presidential nominee, or perhaps a live sacrifice to the gods.

Trump also called -- twice -- for Bernie Sanders to run an independent campaign if Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nomination: "I think Bernie Sanders should run as an independent. I think he’d do great." Trump's going to have to work on his Jedi mind tricks -- he doesn't have nearly enough Force Persuade points.

[wonkbar]href https: //wonkette.substack.com/p/justice-department-ok-with-hillary-clinton-deleting-emails-about-how-she-did-benghazi[/wonkbar]Trump closed out his presser with some gratuitous shots at Hillary Clinton, who will be so ridiculously easy to beat it'll make your head spin, again, if she's not in jail, because all the experts agree that her emails definitely broke the law, except the Democrats and the liberal media and, oh, also the U.S. Department of Justice. But if she somehow avoids prison, which he doubts, Trump will beat her, he explained, because really, the only reason anyone would vote for her is that she's a chick, and who'd vote for someone for such a stupid reason?

"I think the only card she has is the women's card," Trump said. "She has got nothing else going. Frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don't think she would get 5% of the vote."

He added: "And the beautiful thing is women don't like her, ok?"

Yep, he's such a huge hit with women. Almost three in ten women don't completely loathe Trump, so that's something to build on. We bet most of the women who work for his campaign won't be voting for Hillary, either, or at least won't say so around the office.

Trump's previous "woman card" comments made for one of the better lines in Hillary Clinton's victory speech Tuesday:

The other day, Mr. Trump accused me, of playing the, quote, woman card...Well, if fighting for women's health care and paid family leave and equal pay is playing the woman card, then deal me in.

Free campaign suggestion to Clinton: Print up a bunch of "woman cards" to hand out at rallies. Please credit Wonkette.

[ NYT / NJ.com / Washington Times / CNN / Politico ]