AI Is Going To Kill Us All, Say People Trying To Sell Us On AI

Techbro dipshits with God complexes are crashing out on main, news at 11.

“All robots and computers must shut the hell up” meme.

This weekend, we all got to witness what can only be described as a moral panic among the tech crowd as they all wrung their hands publicly about the capabilities of AI.

It looked scary at first, what with all these doomery AI-generated headlines and all, but then I read the stories and realized that September is shaping up to be the month we get to watch techbro dipshits crash out for days on end about problems they made up in their own heads. Again!

So let’s get this straight before I start ranting. Artificial intelligence as we know it is powerful and yes, has some use cases. However, it is demonstrably not at all what the people currently blabbering about it are saying — to the point that I’m not sure a single AI CEO or researcher understands their own product.

This time around, they’re all going on about how the AI beasts they created are allegedly plotting to kill us all and destroy humanity. First there was this one asshole from Anthropic, who had apparently worked there for exactly four months before quitting and telling the whole-ass world that he thinks that computers are sentient and that they are going to take over the world.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but in my day, when a 27-year-old posted a bunch of crazy shit online after quitting a job he had been at for exactly four months, we called that “a breakdown.” But this is 2026, so we must treat all madness as though it is legitimate, so long as that madness makes stock lines go up up up!

“There are no adults in the room,” said a couple of other assholes who quit their AI research teams and are completely convinced now that the LLM that talks to them has its own brain. We knew there weren’t any already, but instead of being worried about things like global instability and a rapidly warming climate — things that actually exist and which technological development is rapidly accelerating — they have decided to otherwise make something up, in their heads, to worry about!

Then came more fun from Anthropic courtesy of Dario Amodei, calling for a “slowdown” of AI research before something terrible happens. I guess boiling the oceans, making people batshit and unable to function, and crashing the economy based on empty promises with no backup plan isn’t enough.

“Along with my co-founders and employees, I have grappled with this duality of risk and benefit since the beginning of Anthropic,” he said in a nearly content-free blog posting which, frankly, appears to have been written by ChatGPT. “Not building the technology deprives humanity of benefits or simply places AI in the hands of authoritarian powers, while building it too fast is reckless.”

You can read the rest of this yourself if you want to here, but rest assured that there is a lot of slobbering about improving human existence — but weirdly, not a thought was spared for the writers like me, for example, whose entire body of work was stolen and fed into the plagiarism machine so that dipshits could fake-write creepy fantasies about tech becoming sentient, placing themselves, naturally, right in the role of God Herself!

Not to be outdone, here comes Sam Altman, a man whose entire background isn’t in tech or engineering or anything like that, but in investments and sales, SALES, so why are you trusting him to be up front about what AI can do? Why are you trusting any of them? Oh, and then there’s emerald-mine baby Elon Musk, whose entire life lately appears to be dedicated to making AI more racist, agreeing with ol’ Sam.

Of course, since the only way AI twerps can exist is by stealing others’ material, they all had to pipe up once they saw somebody from one company getting in on the action. It’s like watching a bunch of high school girls copying one another’s hairstyles!

But again, it’s 2026, so we get to all pretend all these stupid people are saying smart things, which is exactly how it goes down every time right before the economy takes a massive shit on everybody’s head. I know, because I lived through 1999, and 2008, and 2015, and everybody seems to forget over and over again that the same people are full of shit in exactly the same way each and every time, and the only thing that changes is the product that they are plugging!

But look closer at what these tech types are saying, and you can see what they are all actually doing is saying they will do their own internal regulating, presumably ahead of what they think will happen in the midterm elections. In public relations terms, that’s called “controlling the narrative,” and the advantage of getting out in front of whatever story is about to come out about you is that you can direct the stories that come out about you in the direction you want them to go.

As journalist Karl Bode points out, no tech company has ever been capable of auditing themselves with any transparency nor ethical considerations, ever. Ever! How many genocides did Facebook cause with their shitty little nonconsensual experiments while cooking everybody’s brains? And that’s just the genocides that we know about.

Speaking of grifters and controlling the narrative, President Donald Trump got in on the fun on Monday morning, kind of giving the game away. He says no regulation can happen, ever! Let’s cook every brain on this fucking planet!

“AI taking over the World, destroying Humanity, and all other things bad, is a HOAX, no different from RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA — UKRAINE, UKRAINE, UKRAINE — IMPEACHMENT HOAX #1 — IMPEACHMENT HOAX #2 — and all of the other HOAXES and SCAMS that America was forced to endure,” Grandpa President posted on Truth Social, presumably before somebody gave him a pudding cup and led him off to watch TV for an hour.

My old friend Bill Wisher, may he rest in peace, once said something that I thought was pretty good: Why do we think it’s inevitable that AI or robot armies would kill us all if we’re the creators? Why is it that’s where everybody’s minds go?

And he’s right. We’re the ones in control! We’re the goddamn humans, last I checked, not some souped-up LLMs attached to a girly voice so that nerds can order around their very own bang-maids.

Bill’s opinion counts because he’s the guy who wrote The Terminator, and more importantly, Terminator 2, that movie with that sexy robot-murdering lady with all those big muscles and whatnot, and so he spent a lot of time thinking about robots and tech and AI and sexy muscly ladies murdering them!

There’s a truism about technology that people like these are doing their best to make us all forget: There are humans behind everything. All they’re doing is building a plausible deniability machine that will be used for exactly that. These people can say all they want about the future, but the reality right here and now is that the landscape of “AI innovation” is getting leveraged to steal land and water rights, remove human rights, and most of all create a machine that creates lies and permission structures at scale during a time of catastrophic climate change, all in the name of a mythical future that does not, will not, and cannot exist.

Remember: The purpose of a system is not what sales people or PR reps or even politicians tell you it is. The purpose of a system is what it does.