Alabama Governor's Beachfront Mansion Remodel Is Most Important Crisis Facing Alabama

Worst governor ever?

Gov. Robert Bentley (R-So You Know Where This Is Going) really cares about his fellow Alabamatonians. That's why he immediately declared the Yellowhammer State a Syrian refugee-free zone, after the terrorist attacks in Paris, to keep his people safe from the scary brown Islams running for their lives. Sure, he didn't have the legal authority to do so, but he didn't let that sort of fancy law claptrap stand in his way when he cut off Medicaid funding to Planned Parenthood neither. So there's absolutely nothing stopping him -- no law and certainly no sense of decency -- from using funds intended to clean up the massive Deepwater Horizon oil well spill in 2010 to instead fix up the governor's mansion. Sorry, the second governor's mansion:

As storms once again battered the state of Alabama over Christmas, Republican Gov. Robert Bentley moved to divert funding from the 2010 BP oil spill recovery effort to finance the renovation of a second Governor’s mansion on the Gulf Coast.

Yet that beachside mansion, which Alabama governors beginning with famed segregationist George Wallace have enjoyed, was not damaged by the BP oil spill. It was damaged more than two decades earlier by Hurricane Danny, and has sat empty ever since.

Don't go jumping to any conclusions, though, about how the governor is using money -- an estimated $1.5 million at least -- to fix up a vacay home for himself, especially since his cunty ex-wife got the couple's beachfront home in their divorce and man, he sure misses his weekend beach time. Sure, he might spend a night or two at the renovated mansion, once it is restored and "up to the standard of a governor's residence," according to Bentley's spokesperson Jennifer Ardis. But this isn't about him. This is for the good of the state :

Neighbors have complained about the dilapidated condition of the mansion, which dates back to the 1960s.

"The governor doesn't want this property to be an embarrassment any longer," Ardis said.

The governor's just being a good neighbor, see? And providing a comfy, cozy place for potential investors to crash because isn't a governor's mansion so much more intimate and cost-efficient than sticking them in some dank basement on Airbnb?

Though Bentley says he will stay there only “on occasion,” the administration said the property would be “primarily” used to wine and dine corporate executives considering the state for investment.

No rich Yankees are going to come shower Alabama with whore diamonds unless they are properly wined and dined in a home fit for a king. Or a governor, at least. Why the other governor's primary mansion -- or maybe a real nice suite in one of those luxury hotels that leaves mints on your pillow -- is unfit for such purposes is beside the point and none of your business and why do you hate the people of Alabama and want to deny them the opportunity to host Important Business Executives?

Besides, it's not like the taxpayers are footing the bill. The governor is simply redirecting money from a grant intended to clean up the disastrous BP oil spill in 2010, even though this property was not damaged by the BP oil spill, but same difference, right?

[contextly_sidebar id="svpAX4zrfO0O3gKWCJ7IL5mBRIrvYHcY"]Besides, Alabama's coffers are overflowing anyway, except for how the state's budget shortfall is so bad that the schools and parks are all out of money, and Alabama had to shut down more than two dozen DMVs because see above re: all out of money. So it makes perfect sense that the governor has prioritized installing the latest bidet technology in the four bathrooms where Gov. George Wallace once shat. (Disclaimer: We don't know if the renovation plans actually include bidets, but you're welcome for that mental image of the governor's ass getting a nice thorough cleansing.)

Enjoy your new getaway mansion, Gov. Bentley. You've certainly earned it.

[ CBS News / Think Progress ]