New York Times: 'Democracy Died While We Were Necking With Alan Dershowitz'

Jeremy Peters sucks, just like the rest of the New York Times.

Jeremy Peters is one of those New York Times idiots you see on the TV and say to yourself, "Which one is that idiot again?" He's like the print version of Chuck Todd, but without the neckbeard. He's a lower rent version of Chris Cillizza. AND HE JUST TOOK A VACATION TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD!

While there, of course, he figured he should call Alan Dershowitz up, for what we can only imagine are the following reasons:

• Yeah sure Jeremy Peters was on vacation, but Real Journalists know that you can't just take a week off and tan your nipples on the beach, not when there is IMPORTANT ALAN DERSHOWITZ REPORTING TO DO.

• Alan Dershowitz is very lonely, as Alan Dershowitz explained to us last week in his widely read column, "Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me, Guess I'll Just Go Eat That Sushi Stephen Miller Threw In The Trash While He Was Crying A Lot."

The end result is some kind of journalistic tour de shit the likes of which you'd never see in the august pages of Wonkette.

Peters and Dershowitz share iced coffees on the front porch of the general store and talk about how sad it is that nobody will talk to Dershowitz anymore, as people stop by every now and then to say "Hi, Dershowitz! You are our neighbor and you kind of suck, but anyway, I am talking to you!" Some of them don't even say he sucks. Otherwise they talk about how many interview requests Alan Dershowitz is getting, on account of how he is in the news because he is a sucky TV lawyer who defends Donald Trump for nothing but contrarian purposes.

Peters notes that only 37% of people who read the Martha's Vineyard newspaper say they would invite Alan Dershowitz to dinner. Dershowitz weeps a single tear but declares that his heart will go on. And so on and so forth, nobody else read to the end of this fucking thing, therefore we don't have to either.

People on the internet noticed that NYT has been doing A LOT of Alan Dershowitz stories lately:

If the New York Times is placing this much focus on Alan Dershowitz not getting invited to dinner parties in Martha… https: //t.co/9Key1JKWDp

— Lauren Duca (@Lauren Duca) 1530990812.0 

NYT put six reporters on the Dershowitz beat this week. Six!

— Noah Shachtman (@Noah Shachtman) 1531065950.0 

SIX! When in fact it was actually EIGHT! And a FOURTH New York Times story about Alan Dershowitz. OF COURSE the Gray Lady couldn't leave it at just three!

Schachtman, the editor of the Daily Beast, followed up by tweeting a story where NYT editor Dean Baquet admitted that if he had it to do all over again, maybe he shouldn't have published ELEVENTY GAZILLION STORIES ABOUT ALAN DERSHOWITZ'S FARTS on the front page on the same day. Oh well, you live and you learn!

Others didn't taking such journalistic criticism lying down. Oh hey, Marge Haberman! U MAD at Lauren Duca for that tweet above?

It should be possible for people to have legitimate issues with the Dershowitz coverage without making a claim that… https: //t.co/Jwt64kpV8E

— Maggie Haberman (@Maggie Haberman) 1531087948.0 

We guess what Maggie Haberman is saying is that the Times has enough resources to go around. They can go necking with Alan Dershowitz, they can fuck up Trump Russia stories, they can break the news every time the Clinton Foundation rapes a puppy before admitting in the 18th paragraph that the Clinton Foundation in fact did not rape a puppy, and at the end they still have time to tell stupid real estate porn stories about how this one barista found the cutest little $3 million crash pad in Chelsea using the time-tested all-American combination of good luck, old-fashioned elbow grease and a trust fund from daddy who is a hedge funder in Greenwich. AND THEN THEY CAN GO NECKING WITH DERSHOWITZ AGAIN.

To be completely fair, while Jeremy Peters was playing Never Have I Ever at Martha's Vineyard with Dersh, he was saving us from hot takes like these, so we guess we should be grateful:

And episodes like Sarah Sanders getting booted from that restaurant & Maxine Waters basically inciting violence onl… https: //t.co/vDjjg1QGNI

— Jeremy W. Peters (@Jeremy W. Peters) 1529961117.0 

Where does the Gray Lady find these people? Seriously, where? Does Michael Cohen's alma mater , the worst law school in America, have a journalism shop next door?

Wonkette would like to close this post as we close all posts about the New York Times lately: by noting that there is a trend taking America by storm and it is canceling your subscription to the Times and subscribing to Wonkette instead. You will not be disappointed!

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[ New York Times ]