Alitos Officially Win 'Worst Neighbors Ever' Championship Belt

The NextDoor board in this neighborhood must be lit.

Pictured: Sam Alito when something bad happens. Also Sam Alito when something good happens.

Another day, another episode of the hot new suburban soap opera, “Sam and Martha-Ann and the Neighbor Who Called Martha-Ann a Cunt,” starring Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito and wife Martha-Ann, a woman who appears to be wound so tight that you could wrap her in cowhide and use her for infield practice.

Sometimes America’s most powerful political figures are almost too dignified, you know?

When last we checked in on this story that John Cheever might have written from the depraved depths of an absinthe binge, the Alitos were denying that flying an upside-down American flag from a flagpole in their yard was in any way a political message related to Donald Trump’s little January 6 coup attempt failing. They claimed it was part of a dispute with a neighbor who had been displaying anti-Trump signs in her own yard.

Which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever if you think about it for even two seconds. Neighborhood disputes result in people using a leaf blower at six in the morning or dumping leaves in each other’s yards. (And then beating each other up, if it’s Rand Paul’s neighborhood.) What neighborhood disputes do not result in is flying your American flag like you are in Fort Sumter in 1861 and the Confederate Army just started lobbing cannonballs in your direction, simply because you were offended by a couple of yard signs.

You also don’t send your security detail, should you have one, to park their black, tinted-window SUV in front of the neighbor’s house several times, so when the neighbor looks out her window she sees a vehicle right out of a cartel caravan in a movie about a drug lord sitting there looking ominous. Any reasonable person would read that as a threat.

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And yet, the Alitos’ former neighbor, Emily Baden, who was living in the house with her mother and boyfriend, claims that is exactly what the Alitos did.

The Guardian broke this part of the story on Friday. It starts after January 6, when an upset Baden and her boyfriend put up signs accusing Trump of being a fascist (because he is) and telling any Trump fans, “You are complicit.” Martha-Ann Alito seems to have thought the latter sign was addressed to her and her husband. (Baden says she meant all Trump fans.) Then this happened:

The next day, according to Baden, Martha-Ann Alito pulled up in front of their house in her car and glared at her and her partner (now her husband). The security detail started parking outside the house around the same time, and the dispute continued for more than a month, culminating in the swearing incident in mid-February and a police report that the Badens filed right after.

The swearing incident would have been when Baden called Martha Alito a cunt, which resulted in the SUV parking in front of Baden’s house for the rest of the night, presumably because the security detail decided Baden was a threat and wanted to let her know she should not retaliate by stomping all over Martha Biden’s petunias.

And the whole thing gets better:

Baden and her husband both say that the security detail’s car showed up in front of her mother’s house again two weeks ago, after the New York Times broke the story about an upside-down American flag hanging on the Alitos’ flagpole in the days before Biden’s inauguration.

Baden and her boyfriend (now her husband) live on the West Coast and were not mentioned by name in the Times story, but clearly the Alitos’ security detail wanted to send a message that they were keeping an eye on the neighbors who had the temerity to talk to a reporter from The New York Times.

We hope Baden’s mother doesn’t have any pets. And if she does, we hope she keeps them indoors.

[The Guardian]

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