Alleged Rapey GOP Chair And Gropey Mall Santa Go To Jail Go Directly To Jail

As usual, please resist the urge to hurl your computer across the room. Today, we have a pair of horrible people who have (ALLEGEDLY) done terrible things:

• A former county Republican Party chair who resigned shortly before being charged with raping a paralegal after an office party.

• A mall Santa who has been charged with groping a photo elf. You know, seasonal human interest story.

Don't these idiots know that Blowvember is supposed to be about embarrassing consensual sex? They not only fail at Blowvember, but at being human beings.

Let's shovel through these as quickly as possible so we can get to some nice stories about people merely being stupid jerks, OK?

In Norristown, Pennsylvania, Robert Kerns, the former chair of the Montgomery County Republican Party, was arrested and charged with seven felonies by a grand jury, following an (ALLEGED) sexual assault of a paralegal who works at his law office. Kerns reportedly dissolved Ambien in a bottle of wine that he served to the woman, offered to drive her home from the office party, then raped her in his car.

District Attorney Risa Ferman said that the victim helped the prosecution greatly by coming forward immediately after the October 25th assault:

“I give great credit to the victim in this case,” Ferman said today. “She was extremely courageous in coming forward and sharing what happened to her, and she should be commended.”

Kerns resigned his GOP chair position when the investigation became public. We couldn't find much more about this Kerns guy in older news stories, but a 2011 piece about the Montgomery County GOP's financial troubles at the time described him as "a convivial optimist," which should be a useful attitude for anyone on trial for raping someone.

And then there's the terrible mall Santa in Hingham, Massachusetts, who has been charged with indecent assault and battery after allegedly groping an 18-yer-old woman playing an elf. The only redeeming feature of this story is that there were no kids present; Herbert Jones, 62, is accused of pinching the woman's buttocks and making lewd comments at the mall's Santa photo booth. Unconfirmed reports indicate that Jones's sense of right and wrong is three sizes too small.

And in one of those made-for-local news details, Jones' court date has been set for December 24, so maybe he can be represented by a misfit elf who's always dreamed of being a public defender.

[ CBS Philly / Boston.com ]