Almighty Obama Made Catholic Church Cover Birth Control Before He Was Even President

Remember that one time when President Barack Hussein Hitler Obama was all, like, "Hey, ladies, how would you like it if your health insurance had to cover birth control, without copays, because all the doctor types say that is just good common sense, and it will be better for your health and your families and your pocketbook and everyone wins?" and the ladies (and friends-of-ladies who like to do sex with ladies) were all, "Yup, sounds good," and then America died because that was the WORST THING WHAT HAD EVER HAPPENED EVER ?

(You probably don't remember it happening exactly that way, since America didn't actually die because we are still here, we think, but just go with it.)

Congressional Republicans tried to protect our freedomz with a bill giving employers the right to decide what kind of health care their employees should and shouldn't have according to what rightwing jackholes on the radio told them their "religious beliefs" are. They insisted the only way to protect employers' freedom was to take it away from their employees because that's how democracy works. But everyone else in America thought that was really stupid, so that bill didnotbecome a law.

Then the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, headed by Cardinal Timothy Dolan, started sobbing and rending their garments because, they said, Hitler Obama was violatingtheirfreedomz by letting Slut-Americans live in America and have health care for their ladyparts, when the Bible clearly says thou shalt, like, not do that. They started filing lawsuits and threatening hunger strikes, and one eager little beaver bishop even called on true believers to "violently oppose" the birth control mandate -- which issuper pro-lifey and also Jesusy -- all to stop women from having copay-free birth control coverage, because otherwise the founding fathers and Jesus will have lots of sads.

And that is why evil Obama, who obviously hates God and the founding fathers and freedom, must be stopped before he forces Cardinal Dolan and his bishop pals and the pope himself to personally pay for birth control out of their own pockets, which has never,everhappened before, no siree, until antichrist Obama forced them to with his devious adoption of the recommendations of Health and Human Services, which is even more eviler than it sounds. The end.

Oh, but wait. There is one teeny, tiny, hardly worth mentioning P.S. :

But even as Cardinal Dolan insists that requiring some religiously affiliated employers to pay for contraception services would be an unprecedented, and intolerable, government intrusion on religious liberty, the archdiocese he heads has quietly been paying for such coverage, albeit reluctantly and indirectly, for thousands of its unionized employees for over a decade.

Quick question: How long has Obama been president? Less than a decade? Yeah, we thought so. Let's continue:

The Archdiocese of New York has previously acknowledged that some local Catholic institutions offer health insurance plans that include contraceptive drugs to comply with state law; now, it is also acknowledging that the archdiocese’s own money is used to pay for a union health plan that covers contraception and even abortion for workers at its affiliated nursing homes and clinics.

Wait, the very exact same archdiocese where Dolan himself lives and prays and strategizes how to stop Obama before he enacts the apocalypse through executive order ... it pays for slut pillsandbaby-killing? But ... but surely the Church must be fighting the good fight to stop such iniquity?

Bruce McIver, the president of the [League of Voluntary Hospitals and Homes] since 1991, said he recalled that some Catholic organizations had expressed concern about paying for the contraception benefits in the mid- to late 1990s. But in recent years, as the number of Catholic hospitals in the city dwindled, “they just kind of stopped, from my perspective, paying attention to this issue,” he said.

“Eventually, the Catholics just said, you know, we are going to ignore the issue and pay into the fund and people are going to make their own choices about contraception and so forth,” Mr. McIver said.

During union negotiations, “I don’t remember it coming up in the last dozen years or so, ever,” he said. “In a place like New York, their employees, not all of whom are Catholic, would react pretty badly.”

So, hmm. In New York, the Catholic organizations have been all, "Ho hum, we'll just let people make up their own damn minds about birth control" fordecades, but now that Obama is president, this has never happened before and it is War On God And The Church And Stuff, and damn you, Obama, for using your Marxist Kenyan voodoo to retroactively make the Church provide coverage of birth control -- and 'bortions, fer Christ's sake! -- when you were still just a baby community organizer, learning at the knee of Bill Ayers in exotic, un-American places like Chicago, Hawaii.

Gosh, the Lord sure does work in mysterious ways.

[ NYT ]