Amazon Making New Docuseries About Melania Trump Because Sure, Why Not

Go behind the glamor! Behind the glitz! Behind the unchanging expression!

“Ugh. Donald try to touch me.” Screenshot from Marc Berkman’s podcast.

Exactly how many behind-the-scenes stories of the life of knockoff Slovenian kewpie doll Melania Trump can the free market bear? We always thought the answer would be zero. Partly that’s because Melon is a Trump, and the planet has been over-saturated with coverage of the Trumps for at least a decade. Particularly Melon’s husband, old whatshisname, who cannot go 15 seconds without pushing his way into the public consciousness like a French peasant storming into the Bastille while waving a pitchfork and screaming that it’s time to s’emparer des armes.

Another reason we assumed the market couldn’t bear more peering deep into the abyss that swims behind Melon’s eyes is that it was tried once before. Who can forget the cinematic masterpiece that was Melania, the documentary that Jeff Bezos and Amazon paid an astounding $75 million to produce and market? The one that earned a gobsmacking $16 million at the box office? That’s worldwide box office, not just, like, every theater in Florida. The one that has earned itself an average rating of 1.6 out of 10 stars on the IMDB?

But no. Hot on the heels of the juggernaut that was Melania, brace yourselves for the docuseries Melania, soon to also be streaming on Amazon. While the documentary followed Melon in the days leading up to her husband’s second inauguration, the new docuseries “will explore the first lady’s work inside the White House, along with her family life, career, and philanthropic efforts.”

Sounds fascinating. Who doesn’t want to learn more about the efforts of the Be Best lady to teach children to, well, be best? Who doesn’t want to observe the brain that produced a “peace letter“ to Vladimir Putin begging him to protect children, which must have given the Butcher of the Donbas a good giggle? Who doesn’t want a peek behind the curtain at the life of a woman who voluntarily spends time with Donald Trump?

Marc Beckman, a senior adviser to the first lady, has been driving the myth that the world needs or wants to ever hear from Melania this much. Beckman runs an ad agency that has produced campaigns for huge clients. Presumably he was hired for his “senior adviser” position to produce an ad campaign selling Melania Trump. And boy, is he giving it a shot. If you have never heard this guy talk up Melania, he’s a hoot.

Here he is, for example, giving an interview to Newsmax in which he called Melania “the single most consequential first lady in the history of our nation.” He also glazed her for “singlehandedly executing” reunions between Ukrainian children abducted by Russia and their families. Single-handedly! Led the negotiations, flew the plane loaded up with 30 kids from Moscow to Kyiv and also served the kids snacks.

Ukraine has identified about 20,000 children kidnapped by Russia, and there are likely a lot more. So Melon has some work to do.

Beckman announced the docuseries himself in that interview. He also claimed that Amazon had told him Melania had been financially successful, which is hard to figure since the company lost about $60 million on it. He also claimed the documentary had been “Number One in the world” at some unspecified point in time. Maybe he meant the number one documentary in the world about Melania Trump. If so, we’ll give him that one.

We suppose if you are Jeff Bezos, the $70 million and counting you have already invested in this walking saltine is good for your business because it keeps you in the president’s good graces. And what’s Bezos going to do with that $70 million that’s more important? Fund life-saving disease research? Buy $70 million worth of school lunches for poor kids? Build $70 million worth of homeless shelters? Pay his employees more so they don’t have to use food stamps despite having a full-time job? Endow thousands of college scholarships? Build solar farms and help reduce the world’s dependence on fossil fuels? Protect endangered animals? Pay for his wife’s eyebrow fillers?

Okay, that one he would do.

[People / YouTube]

If Jeff Bezos would give us that $70 million, we wouldn’t have to be reader-supported anymore. Of course, we’d also probably have to advertise kitchen appliances or something.