Ambitious GOP Tires Of Screwing Domestic Poors, Broadens Sights To Poors Of Whole Wide World

 
 It’s another day on Capitol Hill, so you know what that means: time for the GOP to find new ways to dick over the poor. Apparently growing bored trying to deny health care to poor Americans, the GOP is setting its greedy black-hearted sights on a larger market: the global poors. According to The Hill:  

House Republicans on Thursday unveiled a 2014 spending bill with a 26 percent cut to foreign aid.

It seems that Republicans will do everything in their power to ensure that the words of Jesus remain true: The poor will always be with you. We’re not theology majors in the Seekrit Wonket Chatcave, but we are pretty sure this ain’t what JC had in mind. Let’s wonksplore how the GOP is making sure that people are born, live and die in poverty, thanks be to god.

First off, we need to get some facts straight. Foreign aid represents about 1 percent of the federal budget. So fuck all the Tea Party whackjobs who claim that all our monies is going to help the poors all over world live a life of luxury on a cup of rice a day while suffering from AIDS and malaria and droughts.

So we’re talking about one goddam penny for every one of your tax dollars going to help poor kids go to school, help families have clean water, and help countries modernize farming so that they can grow more of their own food. Of course that is too much for the GOP, who would rather give sweet sweet moneylingus to agro-industrial farmers in the Midwest and tax-cuts to bazillionaires because fuck the poor, pass the communion wafers.

These cuts are on top of other recent cuts. From the Sacramento Bee :

Like other agencies, the State Department has suffered from the across-the-board automatic spending reductions that went into effect earlier this year. The cuts forced the United States to cut $2.6 billion in global humanitarian aid, security funds and other international programs in some of the world's most unstable regions.

Don’t worry, poor people in unstable regions. We are not abandoning you because we are assholes. Well, let’s let GOP Chair of the Appropriations Committee Hal Rogers (R-KY) poorsplain :

His bill, he said, decreases spending for "lower-priority programs or those that we simply cannot afford at this time."

Ok, maybe we are assholes. Kids with AIDS, communities facing famine, girls facing the daunting possibility of becoming child brides are just low priority. We’re sure you understand that there are other places that just need the money more.

Like Israel, because with their booming economy and surge in natural resources and 6.9 percent unemployment, the annual $3 billion sent there is money well spent and isn’t going to be cut, not one cent! (Are we allowed to criticize political monies to Israel without being called anti-Semitic? If only there were a Mad Jewess around to help us out…)

And in case we weren’t sticking our dick in the eye of the world enough, the bill also cuts, "all of the State Department's money to combat climate change and promote clean technology..."

Hahaha, suck it even harder poor people living in places affected by the climate change that we caused by our massive polluting industrialization. Not only are we cutting aid to help you eat, we say fuck the environment, too! Hey, watch out for that rising ocean tide... drat, too late.

And in case you thought the War on Women was only fought on the domestic front, you are dead wrong:

As usual with House GOP funding bill, the measure contains abortion-related restrictions, including the Mexico City policy, which prevents funding for groups that promote abortion.

On the upside, the U.S. will be sending the following note to all the poors:

Dear poor person –

We know you are emaciated, can’t afford to send your kids to school, have family members dying from tuberculous because the medication is too expensive and/or you don’t have food. And we know that you probably don’t have clean water to drink, but none of that is a priority. On the upside, this will get you to see the Lord more quickly. Please send Him our regards, and you’re welcome.

Sincerely,

Republican Party, USA (#1)

Thank the good lord we have priorities, or who knows how we would spend our monies.

[ The Hill / Sacramento Bee ]