America, Baby, Mitt Romney Swears It Will Be Different This Time If You Take Him Back

We might be changing our minds about another presidential campaign by His Royalness Mittens Holstein Benghazi Dishwasher Romnibus XVIII, because it means at least 18 more months of stories like this. Are we really prepared for a year and a half or more of Mitt, his wife Egg, his advisers, and some combination of his sons Trick, Trunk, Glob, Shank, and Smudge claiming over and over that had we voted for the Borin’ Mormon in 2012, Islamic terrorists and Vladimir Putin would be spending their days dressing up like court jesters and dancing for His Majesty’s amusement in the White House East Room while Americans enjoy full employment and gas so cheap that oil companies pay them to fill up their cars?

No. There is no coma we could sink into that is deep enough to provide us sweet relief from that cacophony of hot garbage.

But this is a different Mitt running in 2016, he assures us. One who is more compassionate, more self-aware, more willing to show the funny and human side of himself that was hidden away from public view in 2012 when he got stomped like an anonymous extra in a Jurassic Park movie.

The candidate — once lampooned for his wealth and caught on video dismissing the 47 percent of voters on government assistance — has been telling supporters he would run on an antipoverty platform.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, our sides! Mitt, resettling America’s entire poor population in the Canadian Yukon where you will never have to look at them even through the double-paned tinted bulletproof windows of your limo as you zoom from one of your houses to another is not an antipoverty platform.

Underlying it all is the notion that, in the mind of Romney and his top advisers, the country made a mistake in not electing Romney in 2012. They want to give the country another shot at sending him to the White House.

“If you believe in your heart that this country is going to hell in a hand basket and is worse than ever, you owe it to your country to think about this,” one longtime Romney adviser said. “There’s a burden there to think this thing through carefully.”

Can’t wait for the inspiring campaign slogan. “America: Take a Mulligan.”

If Romney were president, one longtime adviser said, “There wouldn’t be an ISIS at all, and Putin would know his place in life. Domestically, things would be in better shape.”

Romney was criticized during the 2012 campaign for calling Russia the chief geopolitical foe. His supporters felt vindicated a year later when Russian President Vladimir Putin became a global menace.

Oh Lord, Putin must have spit borscht all over his keyboard when he read that. Apparently, Mitt would have run his foreign policy the way he runs everything else, by making sure the world’s leaders understood that he is their better and they must learn their place. As opposed to that terrified Chihuahua occupying the Oval Office now, who performed so terribly in uniting the West after the invasion of Ukraine that Russia’s currency collapsed and the oligarchs who have propped Putin up are watching their wealth drop like boulders down a hillside, which is never a good recipe for political stability. As Nixon might have said: strength.

And ISIS! Say, fellas! How about you knock it off, by crikey! Or else… 

As for the contention that “domestically, things could be in better shape,” god yes, how terrible have things become in this smoking, corpse-strewn hellscape that was once our great nation? Gas prices dropping, unemployment rates continuing downward, the strongest GDP growth in 15 years, the stock market at a record high, a record number of Americans having health insurance, inflation non-existent, interest rates essentially still at zero, Mitt's loathed 47 percent of moochers down to 40 percent, fewer troops fighting pointless wars overseas, the Dallas Cowboys out of the playoffs … truly this is the darkest timeline.

Pointing to polls that have indicated the former Massachusetts governor could now win a head-to-head matchup with President Obama, Romney seems to believe he could convince voters he was right all along.

And if Barack Obama runs for a third term in 2016, you guys can try to make that case.

Whew, with strategic geniuses like this advising him, it’s no wonder Mittens is gearing up for another run.

[ Boston Globe ]