America Finally Gets Chance To See Donald Trump's Penis, Immediately Vomits To Death

We John Ashcroft-ed the picture in case you have a gag reflex.

All of the Americas had a collective orgasm on Thursday, as statues of a nude, flaccid, not-so-bigly endowed Donald Trump appeared in public spaces from sea to shining sea. People's reactions ranged from "It wasn't that big when he tried to make me have sex with it" to "That's very lifelike, especially the unmanaged hedge of pubes," and also some people said, "I was pretty sure I was a lesbian already, but now I am definitely sure." According to Wonkette's internal polling, which is just as good as Breitbart's internal polling or better, the number of people who said "weak! sad!" outnumbered the people who said "yoooooge" by 10 to 1. Also according to Wonkette's internal polling, most of those who said "yooooooge" are blind people.

OH GOODNESS, WONKETTE, NOW THAT YOU'VE HAD YOUR PARAGRAPH OF PENIS JOKES, CAN YOU GET TO THE POINT?

Life-size naked statues of the Republican presidential nominee greeted passers-by in New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle and Cleveland on Thursday. They are the brainchild of an activist collective called INDECLINE, which has spoken out against Trump before. [...]

The statues were created by an artist in Cleveland. They are of a stern-faced Trump with his hands folded over a bulging belly. Some parts of male genitalia are visible while others seemingly are missing.

"It is through these sculptures that we leave behind the physical and metaphorical embodiment of the ghastly soul of one of America's most infamous and reviled politicians," INDECLINE said in its statement.

Haha, "some parts" of his male genitalia were missing. That is because there is a new Olympic sport happening right now, called "Elizabeth Warren-ing," where you lightly thump at Donald Trump's junk until it falls off and disintegrates into a pile of dust on the ground. It's an easy sport and anybody can play! JUST FOOLING, Trump wasn't supposed to have testicles on the statues, because the name of the project is "The Emperor Has No Balls"! Let's meet the artist:  

When artist Joshua "Ginger" Monroe got his commission in April to create five life-size, nude statues of Donald Trump for a project titled "The Emperor Has No Balls," he counted himself among the Republican presidential candidate's supporters.

"When I started this, I was going to vote for Trump," said Monroe ...

By the time it was complete in all its full-frontal glory the artist saw his subject in a less flattering light.

"The different times he’s said just horrific things has made me raise an eyebrow," he said.

He says the final straw for him was when Trump made fun of that disabled reporter, because he has disabled family members. So he immediately figured, "I am a brilliant artist, let me make a mold of Donald Trump's testes, HAHA THIS IS EASY BECAUSE TRUMP DOESN'T HAVE BALLS." We are assuming he figured that, at least.

Anywho, some statues remain standing, and others are gone now. In New York City, the City Parks Department is very mean and does not understand America's insatiable appetite for Donald Trump's misshapen body, so they took it away, and they released the most hilarious statement to explain why:

"NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks," said Parks Department representative Sam Biederman in an official statement, "no matter how small."

YASSSSSSSSS QUEEN! It's funny because the city government made a dick joke, and also because Trump is universally hated in his own hometown of New York.

The INDECLINE group was fully aware that Monroe's statues would get taken down:

"Each of the pieces would have a limited amount of time before the city or the police covered or removed them completely," INDECLINE said. When they fell, they would leave behind the “embodiment of the ghastly soul of one of America’s most infamous and reviled politicians," representing Trump's "failed and delusional quest to obtain the presidency,” the group said.

And besides, Monroe's mold remains intact.

Hooray! Would YOUR city like a Trump Penis statue? It doesn't take up much space, at least the penis part of it!

Anyway, this is just great, because all across America, townspeople finally have gotten to experience what it's like to be Melania Trump at 11: 00 PM, when Trump emerges from his office naked, with Trump Taco Bowl crumbs stuck to his hands and his various orifices, furiously massaging an erection that will never come, but nevertheless begging for sexual intercourse while he waits for his Obamaphone to charge, so he can go back to his real sexxxy night time activity, which is saying things on Twitter.

THANKS, OBAMA.

[ dnainfo / NBC News ]