An Open Letter To Birthers: Find a New Way To Question Obama's Eligibility

Dear Birthers:

It's okay, I'm white.

Listen up, you guys: I like what you're doing. I do. It's very entertaining. Even your name is funny! Your undying Birther devotion to your initial impulse that the president of the United States "doesn't seem like he's from around these parts" is adorable. But I'm afraid this birth certificate thing is just becoming banal. It's just not going to sustain itself for two more years. You need new ideas. And I'm here to help.

Let's keep with this whole eligibility thing. It's your brand. It's what people know you for, and I don't want to mess with that. When people come for you for ridiculous points of view, they expect you to stick to your guns. You won't even let your brains' comprehension of this presidency get past square one, and I respect that.

But let's mix it up a little. You like the Constitution? Sure, you love it. You love it so much you chopped it up into pieces, put it in the blender, and snorted it. So let's explore that a little more. Here are some suggestions:

• Look at this line from Article II:

  The Congress may determine the Time of chusing the Electors, and the Day on which they shall give their Votes; which Day shall be the same throughout the United States.

  "Chusing"? What the hell is that? Congress may have done some "choosing," but it certainly didn't do any "chusing." ELECTION INVALID, DO OVER.

• You also love the next line, as we know:

  No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President

  You of course focus on the "born Citizen" part, but what about this "at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution" thing? Where is the evidence Obama was born before the Constitution was ratified? He hasn't show anything, though the Constitution seems to say, in between all its commas, that the president must be at least 222 years old to hold the office right now. Which means John McCain is the only one in the country eligible for the job.

• And then there's the next line:

  The President shall, at stated Times, receive for his Services, a Compensation, which shall neither be increased nor diminished during the Period for which he shall have been elected

  You see how the founders capitalized "Services" and "Compensation" like that? It's because they're euphemisms for sex stuff. Obama is collecting a paycheck, yet he's not whoring himself out for sex with any American who wants it -- a clear violation of his duties. The job begins when he performs his first back-alley blowjob, obviously, so his presidency hasn't even begun.

See, these reasons are just as good at denying Obama's eligibility to be president as refusing to believe all the evidence Obama was born in Hawaii, but they put a little spice into your favorite activity. Please choose one and go with it for a little while. You're getting really boring.

Sincerely,

Your #1 Fan