Anna Duggar Pretty Sure Jesus Will Keep It In Josh's Pants From Now On

There's still hope for you, Anna.

The Duggars are back on television, hooray and hurrah and Christmas is ruined now. Sunday night brought the second installment of "Duggars After Dark: Bonin' On," which in science fact is called "Jill And Jessa: Counting On." And Mrs. Anna Duggar, wife of Josh, has spoken with Jesus and determined that Josh will be healed from his dirty sex-porning ways, and that his rod and staff will only comfort HER from now on, because obviously. Here's what she said on the television machine:

[F]or my heart, it was like, "How could this happen in our marriage?" Josh was my first love, he's my one and only! [...]

And so ... in the shock of everything, I was just praying, "God, help me to know how to respond to all of this." And I didn't know what to do, I knew we needed help, and I was just praying that God would give the help and the wisdom we needed to know how to take the next step."

So God heard her cries out to Him, refreshed that it was Anna saying His name this time, since usually when her husband yells at Him, he's balls deep in strange orifices. And He gave her the answer she was looking for, as she sexplained to US Weekly:  

I know there are those that feel I have every right to walk away from this marriage, and I respect other people's views, but in my heart, when I got married, I vowed to God first and then to Joshua for better or for worse, till death do we part. [...]

I pray through all this that I would be an extension of God's love to Joshua and that I would love him and forgive him and that I would wait patiently and allow God to work in our hearts. My prayer and my heart's desire is for our marriage to be restored.

[contextly_sidebar id="aE6EUtpzTND3D42Sp8BGw5CaiHVNc7jT"]Oh, Anna, listen to yr Wonkette. We have never been mean to you, have we? If memory serves, the only thing we've told you consistently is to hire a divorce lawyer and also go to your local Planned Parenthood and get the family clam checked out, since it's very possible Josh's real gift to you this War On Christmas season is butt herpes.

[contextly_sidebar id="pi9QjzBwGO41yU540KCVgXxZbrKyFBwD"]So hear us: Your husband is a fucking perv. He's not a nice Christian boy who made an oopsie because he saw a naked lady and got all excited and before he knew it he was just asking this one lady to let him sniff around her Down Theres. He fingerbanged Four Duggars And Counting, and you knew about that when you married him. And fine, maybe you bought into the Duggar Family Fundamentalist Bullshit about how saying sorry to Jesus washes sticky sin juice off fingers forever, and besides it's probably little girls' fault when they get molested, for acting like such whores.

[contextly_sidebar id="IgDv6paEBm06QVlRihfOAYyKVR8omDLV"]But then you found out he paid many dollars to a porn lady to let him rage-fuck her, and she says she's not the only one that happened to! And now he's in the Jesus Sex Rehab learning how to pray away the pussy, but probably not really, and he's likely to do it again.

The rest of the family seems to understand that Josh always goes where the Holy Spirit leads him, and also that "Holy Spirit" is Josh's secret name for his penis. Here are quotes from other clips from Sunday night's Duggar Porn Hour:

John David Duggar: "I always wanted to be like him, but one of the toughest things I ever had to tell my older brother was, 'I don't want to be like you anymore.'"

Jinger Duggar: "We still have trouble comprehending it today. Just the reality of this person we thought we knew, this person we love greatly ... just the hard pain that has caused."

John David does not want to be like Josh because he takes his sidehugging vows fucking seriously, for Christ's sake, and Jinger is basically saying, in her Jesus-approved way, that Josh is a dirty ho.

Listen to them, Anna. Get out of that family and take your children with you, unless you want to be crying out to Jesus for help next time "Holy Spirit" barebacks a stranger lady. Maybe he'll get lucky and get her preggers, wouldn't that be nice? There could be a whole new TLC "And Counting" series, about Josh's growing pile of sex spawns!

Or you could leave. Your choice.

[ People / US Weekly   via   Jezebel ]