We'll admit it's no "Two Alligators, A Pole Dancer And Pot At Shooting Scene," but it's a close second: In Anchorage, Alaska, a double amputee named Daniel Pirtlegot into a dispute with Walmart assistant manager Jason Mahi over whether Pirtle could bring his unleashed dog (named "Wookie," because why not?) into the store. Manager dude was all "Sorry, buddy, no dogs in our Walmart," and Pirtle was all "Oh yeah?" So Pirtle did the American thing to do: Pulled out his two pistols and shot the Walmart guy. His escape attempt was thwarted when police caught up with Pirtle's mobility scooter a short distance from the scene. Because it
So shooting a man for no good reason, and leaving him in critical condition, gets you "first-degree assault and fourth-degree weapons misconduct"
OK, two questions: 1. What the fuck do you have to do to get charged with attempted homicide in Alaska? 2. What the fuck to you have to do to get charged with first, second, or third degree "weapons misconduct" in Alaska?
Hiaasen makes me want to spend my golden years as far from Florida as possible ... but with good internet, so I can keep an eye on it from a safe distance.
Seriously, I guess I'm too drunk to snark. This is just sad. The Walmart guy is in "critical but stable" condition. As I recall, this means (1) he could still die, from, you know, infection; and (2) at this point they have no idea how badly his future physical well-being will be compromised.
I know that it's kind of crappy to work for Walmart, but sometimes people have to try to make a buck. It's not unreasonable to hope that you won't get shot just for working retail.
Somehow, even the fact that the shooter is a double amputee, who was caught trying to escape in a mobility scooter, doesn't restore much jocularity, despite being an insane set-up.
Perhaps I'll feel funnier tomorrow. Right now, this just sucks.
He fucking shot someone and it&#039;s only <em>fourth</em> degree weapons misconduct? I presume killing someone is third degree, so what the fuck is first degree weapons misconduct? WMD detonation?
Wait, shooting somebody for no good reason is only <i>fourth-degree</i> weapons misconduct? What do you have to do to earn third-degree? I&#039;m not even going to ask about second and first.
Why couldn&#039;t he just slink to the back of the store and cook up some homemade meth like the rest of them?
So shooting a man for no good reason, and leaving him in critical condition, gets you &quot;first-degree assault and fourth-degree weapons misconduct&quot;
OK, two questions: 1. What the fuck do you have to do to get charged with attempted homicide in Alaska? 2. What the fuck to you have to do to get charged with first, second, or third degree &quot;weapons misconduct&quot; in Alaska?
Hiaasen makes me want to spend my golden years as far from Florida as possible ... but with good internet, so I can keep an eye on it from a safe distance.
Sarah would insist that he should pull himself up by his bootstraps.
Totally untrue. On the other hand, &quot;No feet, Satan&quot; does work.
From the story, it would appear that &quot;four arms&quot; is bad.
Glad they got him before he drove off into the mountains, where he might have lurked for weeks, evading a massive multi-agency manhunt.
so many nice things in this story we don&#039;t have.
Seriously, I guess I&#039;m too drunk to snark. This is just sad. The Walmart guy is in &quot;critical but stable&quot; condition. As I recall, this means (1) he could still die, from, you know, infection; and (2) at this point they have no idea how badly his future physical well-being will be compromised.
I know that it&#039;s kind of crappy to work for Walmart, but sometimes people have to try to make a buck. It&#039;s not unreasonable to hope that you won&#039;t get shot just for working retail.
Somehow, even the fact that the shooter is a double amputee, who was caught trying to escape in a mobility scooter, doesn&#039;t restore much jocularity, despite being an insane set-up.
Perhaps I&#039;ll feel funnier tomorrow. Right now, this just sucks.
Was that Don Johnson? I saw it roughly when it came out, because Harlan. Never paid any attention to who was in it.
Ren and Stumpy
He fucking shot someone and it&#039;s only <em>fourth</em> degree weapons misconduct? I presume killing someone is third degree, so what the fuck is first degree weapons misconduct? WMD detonation?
The Gove..ohfukkitiquit woulda shot the manager from a helicopter.
or a rolled up newspaper...
kind of hard to stand your ground with no legs...
Wait, shooting somebody for no good reason is only <i>fourth-degree</i> weapons misconduct? What do you have to do to earn third-degree? I&#039;m not even going to ask about second and first.
what&#039;s with all the legless athletes going around shooting people? I&#039;m starting to see a trend here...