Another Week, Another Million GUESS WHAT ROBERT MUELLER IS DOING Stories!

Mama said knock you out.

Get ready, because it is another week in Trump's America, and special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation is getting HOT, which means there are going to be a shitload of news reports about "Mueller is doing this" and "Mueller is asking witnesses that." (For a recap of last week's stories along these lines, click here. )

Let's talk about some new shit!

YOU get a subpoena and YOU get a subpoena and YOU get a subpoena! Robert Mueller is like Oprah, but without the book club!

Acording to Axios, Robert Mueller sent A Witness a subpoena for all sexts, Snapchats, AOL emails and Gchats involving a bunch of people, going all the way back to November of 2015, just months after Trump announced his campaign. Know how Trump always says "NO COLLUSION"? Also, know how Robert Mueller usually already knows the answers when he asks people for things? Keep those two thoughts in your mind as you read this list, because this is probably a very big list of exactly who the NO COLLUSION is with Russia:

• Carter Page (total Russian intelligence asset idiot)

• Corey Lewandowski (first campaign manager)

• Donald J. Trump (president, allegedly)

• Hope Hicks (just quit White House after admitting she likes to "white lie" for the president)

• Keith Schiller (former Trump security guy who may have been sleeping at the wheel when Trump got PEED ON IN RUSSIA, allegedly)

• Michael Cohen (all around Trump fixer who plays a starring role in THE DOSSIER and may be right at the center of this whole damn conspiracy)

• Paul Manafort (already so fucking indicted )

• Rick Gates (now admits he's so fucking guilty)

• Roger Stone ( assassinated by CIA in March 2017 but he got better; also gay BFFs with Julian Assange, ALLEGEDLY)

• Steve Bannon (smells like gin and hippopotamus pubes)

As we said, that seems like a very significant list of people. And Gates just pleaded out. Huh!

Moving on!

Hey Jared Kushner! You are getting more and more fucked every day!

Wait, wasn't all of LAST WEEK'S news about how Jared Kushner is fucked? Yes, it was! That is also the hot news from this weekend!

Adding to news about how foreign intercepts show foreign foreigners LOLing about what an easy mark Jare-bear is, on account of how his family is financially screwed and they are a bunch of criminals, NBC News broke a story late Friday about how Robert Mueller wants to find out whether J-Kush might have specifically driven Trump foreign policy based on whether countries were giving his family millions of dollars or not. WHOA IF TRUE, right?

Mueller's team has asked witnesses about Kushner's efforts to secure financing for his family's real estate properties, focusing specifically on his discussions during the transition with individuals from Qatar and Turkey, as well as Russia, China and the United Arab Emirates, according to witnesses ...

Crazy, right? According to NBC News, the Mueller team has been "reaching out to Turkish nationals" through the FBI's office in Ankara, which makes us wonder how this overlaps with cooperating witness/literal actual foreign agent Michael Flynn's grifty plan to steal the Middle East and give it to Russia and a few other rich people, including the Trump-Kushner crime family, because WE BET IT DOES!

As for the Qataris, they wanted in January and February of this year to give the Mueller investigators "what they believe is evidence of efforts by their country's Persian Gulf neighbors in coordination with Kushner to hurt their country," but didn't, because they didn't want to be retaliated against by Trump and Saudi Arabia more than they already have. Remember that time Kushner went to Saudi Arabia for a sleepover with a Saudi prince, and then immediately the Trump White House supported a Saudi trade blockade against Qatar, which was insane because WE HAPPEN TO HAVE A VERY LARGE MILITARY BASE IN QATAR? They said it was because of how Qatar "supports terrorism," something our very best friends the Saudis would never ever do with large airplanes on the morning of September 11, 2001.

Turns out it may be the same old story we're getting used to now, of the Kushners showing up hat-in-hand begging for a bail-out for their fuckshow building at 666 Fifth Avenue in Manhattan, the bill for which is coming due in 2019. Charles Kushner, Jared's crime-y dad, begged Qatar's sovereign wealth fund for some moneys, but they were like "nah." Kushner also met with Hamad bin Jassim bin Jaber Al Thani ("HBJ"), former prime minister of Qatar, during the transition, and begged him for areach-aroundloan, but HBJ was like "do not want."

And then suddenly, a trade blockade! Indeed, as the Intercept notes, reporting from that time said Kushner "undermined efforts by Secretary of State Rex Tillerson to bring an end to the standoff." Jesus, Jared, can you BE any more obvious? As we noted, the Qataris wanted to show Mueller their evidence, which also implicated the United Arab Emirates, but they got scared.

There are so many more details to learn about this stuff, so please click our links if you are interested. And remember this comes ON TOP OF all Kushner's weird contacts with Russian bankers and the Russian ambassador and everything else.

So how fucked is Jared now? Well, Chris Christie thinks Javanka should quit and go the fuck back to New York for one thing. Also reportedly, Donald Trump is too much of a weak sad baby with tiny paws to say it to their face, but he's trying to get Chief of Staff John Kelly to push those crazy kids out, and he's asking people in his inner circle if they think his son-in-law is a giant fucking criminal, to which we can reply, "yes, Mr. President, he probably is, just like you are a giant fucking criminal!"

Anything else?

You mean besides this  New York Times thing about how Robert Mueller has been all up the ass of this Lebanese-American lobbyist Robert Nader, trying to figure out if the United Arab Emirates is literally buying influence from the Trump administration, which almost certainly is related to that whole thing about the UAE being one of the countries that sees Our Jared Of The Criming Dimples as a total patsy?

You gonna 'splain that one for us, WONKETTE?

Nope, it's time for you to read a thing your goddamn self, as this post is OVER.

 Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE. And if you love this article, tweet it and share it on the Facebooks! 

 Wonkette salaries and servers are fully paid for by YOU! Please pay our salaries, so we NEVER DIE. 

[ Axios / NBC News ]