God Orders Random Guy to Create 'Palin 2012 Project'

Not long ago, a Real-American named Gary Troy was standing in his kitchen, deep-frying a cheeseburger for his lunch, when God the Creator suddenly appeared. "Gary," God said, "This is your mission in life: To promote the fuck out of Sarah Palin until she becomes president. Succeed, and admission to Heaven is yours. Fail, and you spend the rest of eternity in limbo with the sad unbaptized babies." Then God went poof! and disappeared. Not long after this incident, Troy founded the Palin 2012 Project to honor God's word and get our heroine elected using his two secret weapons: TRUTH, and seminar-planning know-how!

In an email sent out to fellow patriots (and leaked to your Wonkette by tipster "Jesse Helms"), Troy describes his project as a "responsibility that God has placed on me for such a time as this" -- a time, he says, when America has become "a shack of its old self." But Troy is a spiritual repairman whose tools are PowerPoint and an events calendar, and so he will organize meetings -- an estimated 40 events a year, in sports arenas, attracting 15,000 people each -- to restore the American shack to its former glory.

His road-map to SUCCESS:

1. Build the Palin brand & awareness beyond political parties,

2. Fund raise for Palin sponsored charities,

3. Raise political campaign charities,

4. Sharing ideas, knowledge, & skills with people on the hope and promise of a better tomorrow and teaching people skills for success in the new economy and how to be more competitive and how to cash in on the new economy,

5. Expand Palin voter base beyond Palin fan base (bringing together the republicans, independents, tea party, unaffiliated people and even some of the disgruntled democrats) with common goals (many minds, many hands, and common goals),

6. Win over people, who are fed up with politicians and fed up with Washington politics,

7. Show the world we can put people back to work without excessive government spending. Using politics and ideology to fix GM or any company will only provide short term solutions and will not fix a broken business model and eventually create bigger problems over the long term by not addressing the real problems or real issues as market conditions change.

8. Because your goals may be bigger than fund raising, I am recommending we have a business seminar rather than a political fund raiser but having both may be the best of both worlds. People who own companies and people that go to business seminars may not be politically active and are more likely to have money, whereas people that are politically active may not have money. Additionally, it may be easier to win over business people at a business seminar that are not yet Palin fans,

9. Other goals not mentioned.

Troy's email doesn't clarify whether he's notified Palin or her people/handlers about his project. It doesn't discuss who he is, where he comes from, or how he could do better work than other "Palin for President"-type sites . And it has no pictures! Looks like Troy had better get used to the sound of wailing.