Appeals Court Rules That Obamacare Slut Pills Are Unnecessary, Burdensome, And Mean To People Who Don't Understand Jesus

Hey, whores, good news! You know how we've all had a major case of the sads ever since President Obama started personally force-feeding slut pills down our throats and infamying America like 9/11 and Pearl Harbor ? Thankfully, the D.C. Court of Appeals has ruled that we don't need no stinkin' ladyparts health care after all, at least not if our employers believe the Bible says -- you know, somewhere in there, between the part about burning the gays and Second Amendmenting socialism -- that ladyparts health care makes Jesus cry.

A federal appeals court struck a blow to the Obama administration by siding with religious business owners who oppose a requirement that they provide their employees health insurance that covers birth control.

The D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals on Friday ruled that the controversial ObamaCare requirement is neither necessary to protect women’s rights or to uphold the integrity of the broader healthcare reform law.

Requiring companies to cover their employees’ contraception, the court ruled, is unduly burdensome for religious business owners, even if they are not purchasing the contraception directly.

Great point! Clearly health care for ladyparts is not necessary, at least not for people who don't have ladyparts, and really, aren't those the people all of our laws are designed to protect? And really, what could be more burdensome to a business than forcing it to allow its employees to use their health insurance for, like, their health? Just look at the burden the Giraldi brothers, owners of Freshway Foods, have endured by having to file a lawsuit to protect their right to really, really, really not like ladyparts health care!

See, the Giraldi brothers own this super religious business whose mission is to "deliver value-added produce solutions." But in, like, a Jesus-y way we guess? However, instead of focusing on "the fast paced dynamics of the fresh produce industry," they have had to spend all their time skimming the Bible for the part that says Jesus hates health insurance coverage of birth control. They haven't found it yet, but whatevs, they're pretty sure it's in there somewhere, so who exactly does Barack Oblackma think he is to tell them they're wrong with his stupid mandate that allows the 90 percent of women who have used birth control at some point to, like, do that but cheaper? How can Freshway Foods possibly function as a produce delivery (but for Jesus!) business if the Giraldi brothers cannot exercise their religious freedom to really, really, really not like birth control? We don't even know. But fortunately, the freedom-hating judges on the court who dissented explained it all legal-like:

First, the Mandate does not require the Gilardis to use or purchase contraception themselves. Second, the Mandate does not require the Gilardis to encourage Freshway’s employees to use contraceptives any more directly than they do by authorizing Freshway to pay wages. Finally, the Gilardis remain free to express publicly their disapproval of contraceptive products.

But those judicial whores were outnumbered because they obviously don't understand that part of exercising your religious freedom means having the right to deny freedom to others. It's in theBible Constitutionthe fevered imaginations of people who are scared of vaginas.

And that is why the majority of the Court decided nope, the government does not have a compelling interest in allowing affordable access to basic ladyparts health care if it means the Girladi brothers are going to be totally bummed about it. Becausethatis how freedom really works, Jesus did not say but probably meant to, he just forget to mention it while he was busy loving the poors and palling around with sluts. Amen.

[ The Hill ]