Apple's New iWatch Even Tells Time Sometimes

Apple is once again looking to take over an entire sector of consumer products with its introduction of the new Apple Watch. Shipping early next year at an introductory price ofonly$349, it has the potential to redefine what we think a wristwatch can do -- or be one of the company’s biggest failures since the Newton.

But whatcanthe Apple Watch do? Here are 10 of the most interesting features of the newest addition to the Apple family:

1. Tells perfectly accurate time for the entire 37 minutes of its battery life.

2. Can make and receive calls in conjunction with your iPhone if you are too lazy to reach into your pocket and lift a small object to your ear.

3. Available with a wide variety of bands that reflect your awful personal style.

4. Lets you send flirty drawings and even your heartbeat to people nearby who also have an Apple Watch, and then immediately emails your wife that you've done so.

5. Informs anyone within a ten-foot radius that you are an insufferable douche with too much disposable income.

6. Allows the wearer to jokingly imitate Dick Tracy every five minutes for the rest of his miserable life.

7. Comes in larger and smaller sizes for men and women, although no woman in her right mind would ever buy this stupid thing.

8. Runs Windows 8.

9. Works with ApplePay, a new system that lets Apple deduct random amounts of money from your account every month since you obviously don’t give a damn about a single dollar.

10. Works only if you have an iPhone, which would have sounded completely idiotic just a few years ago, but which Apple has brainwashed us into thinking is an exciting feature.