Are Woke Forces Trying To Attack The Olympics? Or Is That Just Putin?

You might not be shocked.

Isn’t it heartwarming the way the Olympics brings the world together? That’s the part right-wing Christians and Vladimir Putin hate the most! Oh well, every party’s gotta have a pooper.

The latest perceived insult to stick in right-wingers’ craws was France’s opening ceremony at the Olympics, which had symbolism they did not understand, so therefore it must be about SATAN. The Olympics are UNDER ATTACK BY WOKE FORCES!

As it turns out, people have been trying to attack the Olympics. But it is not woke forces! It is mostly just Putin, thirsty for chaos, as usual. 

Last Friday there were four coordinated arson attacks that severed signaling cables on France’s high-speed rail lines, hours before the opening ceremonies began. All were fortunately thwarted before somebody got hurt. Nobody knows yet whodunit, but obviously multiple people who are still out there, which is unsettling.

And Microsoft has warned that Russia — not invited on account of invading Ukraine, and still very bitter about it — has been using AI to create fake French media websites to stoke fears of Olympics violence and terrorism, so nobody will show up to France’s party, and it’ll make France cry. 

And then on Sunday, a Russian 40-year-old private chef who’d appeared on Russian reality shows was arrested for planning a “large scale” Olympics plot of an unknown nature, caught red-handed with a document linking him to a Russian special forces unit under the command of the FSB. 

So if you’re gonna worry about the Olympics, maybe worry about that?

But let’s have a little chortle at the latest example of Christian right-wingers not understanding something, then deciding that thing is a worldwide spiritual warfare conspiracy that’s out to get them, instead of, like, looking it up.

We of course speak of the Olympic opening ceremonies, which featured the PALE HORSE OF DEATH, and drag queens MOCKING THE LAST SUPPER! And also there was HEAVY METAL and BEHEADED LADIES and WOKE NIGHTMARE!

Plus, an implied threesome with people wearing disco pants and loud prints, because France is a république full of liberté and égalité that doesn’t give a care what a bunch of performative Christian authoritarian-huggers think.

The drag queens, heavy metal and implied threesome were actually real. But the rest of it sprung up fully formed from right-wingers’ fertile imaginations, like genitals on an M&M.

Turns out that tableau wasn’t a depiction of “The Last Supper” at all. The blue guy festooned with a bunch of fruit might have been a clue, as there was not one of those at the Last Supper. Why, they’re Greek Gods. The Olympics, Olympian Gods, get it? The blue guy is Dionysus, the Greek God of wine and pleasure. Because France still teaches art history au lycée!

But ‘Muricans only know two paintin’s with a group in it, so if it isn’t “Dogs Playing Poker” then it must be the other one.

Fussed Republican Speaker Mike Johnson on Twitter, “Last night’s mockery of the Last Supper was shocking and insulting to Christian people around the world who watched the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games.”

Elon Musk, who has been known to dabble in AI misinformation, cosplay in Satanic outfits and push the Russian agenda himself (and has he ever even been inside a church?) declared it “extremely disrespectful to Christians.”

The artistic director of the opening ceremony, Thomas Jolly, was confused by the confusion.

“It’s not my inspiration and that should be pretty obvious. There’s Dionysus arriving on a table. Why is he there? First and foremost, because he is the god of celebration in Greek mythology and the tableau is called ‘Festivity.’ He is also the god of wine, which is also one of the jewels of France, and the father of Séquana, the goddess of the river Seine. The idea was to depict a big pagan celebration, linked to the gods of Olympus, and thus the Olympics.”

So see, Marjorie Taylor Greene? That was not the pale horse from the Book of Revelations!

In spite of the deeply stupid misunderstanding, Olympic organizers apologized anyway to anyone who was offended, and Jolly said he did not mean to moquer ou choquer anybody. “I did not intend to be subversive or to mock or shock … In France we can believe or not believe, in France we have a lot of rights and I wanted to convey those values throughout the ceremony.”

We still do have those rights and values in America, even if it seems like half the country doesn’t want them anymore. That’s what happens when you cut the liberal arts!

Oh well, suck it, snowflakes.

May the games stay safe!