SINGLE TEAR EMOJI: Here's Tucker Declaring Flawless Victory Over M&Ms That Stole All His Boners, Good Morning

Do members of your family think Tucker is The News?

 REMEMBER WHEN! We will be spending much of the day throwing at your face some of our favorite old Tucker Carlson posts, or at least the ones Evan linked to yesterday, because that is a nice cheat sheet to start with. This post originally published on Jan. 24, 2023. 

Yesterday, M&M's announced with regret that because some people out there in the world are so very upset about the changes they've made to their mascots, specifically the lady M&M's, they are scrapping the mascots entirely for now and replacing them with Maya Rudolph.

“A message from M&M'S.”

— M&M'S (@M&M'S) 1674481505 

Here's that full image, if you need it bigger:

In the pretend outrage masturbation chambers of the American right, M&M's have been a Chinese conspiracy and have offended the sensibilities of well-known feminist hero and Fox News anchor Harris Faulkner. Of course, Tucker Carlson appears to believe the green M&M is tampering with his erection, and was upset that the green one was "now a lesbian maybe." He moreover complained that "there is also a plus-sized, obese purple M&M." He's been distraught that they are "deeply unappealing and totally androgynous."

And following that logic to its natural conclusion, if they're androgynous, then what happens if Tucker accidentally gets a sexy feeling looking at one of the guy M&M's, totally by accident? Would he have to beat up that M&M in the bathroom? We are just conjecturing here. 

 Media Matters put together this nice little montage of Fox News whackjobs blubbering about candy cartoons.

“@mmschocolate If you're wondering how we got here...”

— M&M'S (@M&M'S) 1674481505 

We hope the M&M's executives meant this announcement — that they are replacing the M&M's mascots with Maya Rudolph, a "spokesperson America can agree on" — with the dripping contempt we are reading it with, and we hope they understand that the very same clown moron conservatives who feel fake-victimized by the cartoon M&M's will just as easily find a reason to be fake-offended by Maya Rudolph.

As you can imagine, Tucker last night was real stupid.

 Tucker sneered that Mars had made the M&M's as "unattractive as possible, because when you're unintentionally repulsive, it's clear you've got the right politics." Yes, he's talking about candy mascots. He was mad the green M&M was no longer hot, the orange M&M had mental health issues, and the purple one was fat, which he described as "obese and distinctly frumpy lesbian M&M's."

Tucker is pretty sure the mascot that represents peanut M&M's is a trick to turn all Americans into "obese and distinctly frumpy lesbians," we guess.

Tucker said his show was unable to complete its journalism investigation into unfuckable M&M's before yesterday's announcement. Tucker said CNN anchors and the New York Times and Democratic Rep. Ritchie Torres are OUTRAGED AND MAD at M&M's and at him, as opposed to how everybody is just making fun of him.

"They just can't stand the idea that CANDY! isn't POLITICAL" he screamed in that high-pitched voice of his.

This entire clip is art:

“Tucker: Mars made their m&m characters as unattractive as possible.. The green m&m lost her sexy boots, the brown m&m her stiletto heels.. The company added obese and distinctly frumpy lesbian M&M’s..”

— Acyn (@Acyn) 1674525478 

Even the way Tucker teased the above segment was amazing, as he bragged that the "pro-fat" M&M campaign was over and he was being blamed for it.

“it's happeningggg”

— Kat Abu (@Kat Abu) 1674525006 

By the way, Matthew Gertz from Media Matters asks this morning on Twitter the question that pretty much all us skeptics out here have been asking: This is just some gimmick marketing thing in advance of the Super Bowl, right? The Mars company did not REALLY just cave to these dumbfucking bastards, right?

RIGHT? This is a huge troll, RIGHT?

We will just have to see, but yeah, it's gotta be.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here! 

And once that doesn't exist, I'm also giving things a go at the Mastodon (@evanhurst@newsie.social) and at Post! 

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