Are You Ready For This, Media? Pam Bondi Is A Dumbass
258 MILLION DEAD AMERICANS!
A funny thing happened on Wednesday during Donald Trump’s licky-licky afternoon delight session with his Cabinet members, where they all lined up to pay respects to his ding-dong and tell him what a brilliant day it was the day he was born.
No, we’re not talking about when Trump angrily told the nation’s children that they need to give up most of their Christmas presents while President Grandpa uses trade wars to work out his emotional insecurities on a global scale.
That was definitely weird, though.
No, this moment came during the parade of ass-sniffing, where each Cabinet member had to praise Trump and tell him how brilliant and sexy he is, which we imagine he especially needs right now, considering how large majorities of the population are fully turning on him and a majority considers him a “dangerous dictator whose power should be limited before he destroys American democracy.”
“Sir, it’s been a momentous 100 days with you at the helm!” said Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, with that slightly inbred royal look he always has on his face.
“The biggest reason why we’re here is that this is the 100th day of the most consequential, historic first 100 days in the history of this country,” said EPA chief Lee Zeldin.
Pete Hegseth, gushing like a little boy who got to go to work with Daddy that day and wear one of his ties and everything, babbled, “What we have seen since your election and the inauguration has been nothing short of a recruiting renaissance. The men and women of America want to join the United States military led by President Donald Trump.” You betcha. Literally cannot imagine anything more dishonorable on earth than wanting to serve Donald Trump, but keep telling yourself there’s a “recruiting renaissance” and that you’re an important part of it, big guy!
“You’re not just courageous, you’re actually fearless,” said Interior Secretary Doug Burgum. “All of us can sprint, because you’re running ahead,” he also said, like he was using a “Footprints” poster as a dental dam.
Speaking of sprinting, if the others were fawning all over Trump’s asscrack and complimenting how playfully asymmetrical it is, Attorney General Pam Bondi was there to declare, in her “I invented Post-Its” voice, that Trump had in fact invented asscracks.
In so doing, she claimed that approximately 75 percent of the American population would be dead if it hadn’t been for him. Ayup.
“President, your first 100 days has far exceeded that of any other presidency in this country. Ever. Ever. Never seen anything like it. Thank you,” said Bondi, yes, yes, ever, yes, she said yes. Ever. She said. Thank you. Yes.
Then she got specific about why that 100 days was so legendary.
“Since you have been in office President Trump, your DOJ agencies have seized more than 22 million fentanyl pills, 3,400 kilos of fentanyl … which saved — are you ready for this, media?
Oh shit, we’re ready! She turned to the camera when she asked this, so she could check to see if the media was ready for the clownfucking bullshit that was about to fireball out of her gullet.
“258 million lives. Kids are dying every day because they’re taking this junk laced with something else. They don’t know what they’re taking. They think they’re buying a Tylenol, or an Adderall, and a Xanax. And it’s laced with fentanyl and they’re dropping dead. And no longer, because of you, what you’ve done.”
That’s right, 258 million lives saved, because of Donald Trump and what he’s done. What has he done? Unclear. Maybe he licked all the fentanyl off while he was staring at an eclipse or something? But there are no kids dying of fentanyl overdose now, and …
OK wait.
There are about 340 million people in America. Is Bondi suggesting that literally 75 percent of the population would have eaten the fentanyl pills and died? In the last 100 days? Did this latest batch look particularly delicious? Was it like the most fingerlicking good pizza you’ve ever eaten, or some super fire hot wings? Bet you can’t have just one delicious fentanyl?
Also do lots of Americans have to share each fentanyl pill? Like 10 people per? Is it a subscription service? Does it just show up on people’s doorsteps, like Blue Apron? “Mom, the fentanyl’s here!”
And if this is a problem Donald Trump fixed, which was raging before, how many hundreds of millions of Americans died in the 100 days before Trump was president, when Joe Biden was in there? We have so many questions about this moronic pissdrivel Pam Bondi said.
The Daily Beast explains the formula, which the DOJ gave them willingly, like ta da! You can see how many excellent brains are left in that building by reading this:
When asked how the attorney general arrived at that number, the Department of Justice provided a formula to the Daily Beast: 3,400,000 grams of fentanyl multiplied by the “current purity level” of .1518, divided by .002, the lethal amount per gram. The result: 258,060,000.
Just completely failed to consider how many Americans would actually be on the market for some drugs laced with fentanyl, then sent Attorney General Nazi Dumbfuck Barbie in there to babble, “YOU READY FOR THIS?” to the media and then say with a straight face that X = 258 fucking million.
Amazing.
Rolling Stone clears up one other halfwitted part of Bondi’s otherwise flawless statement:
[I]f you’re wondering why kids are turning to the black market for headache relief, as Bondi suggests, they’re not. She seems to be distorting reports of kids trying to buy the opioid Percocet only to find they’re getting Tylenol laced with fentanyl.
Pam Bondi will end the scourge of teenagers blowing each other in parking lots to score contraband Tylenol.
It gets better, we mean stupider.
Because on Tuesday, this is what Bondi said on Twitter:
So it turns out that as of Tuesday, that fentanyl seizure had only saved 119 million lives. Is there something about Wednesdays that makes the entire American population more prone to eating fentanyl and the number had to be revised upwards by around 138 million to reflect that?
Thousands of Tylenol Blowjob Wednesdays events get suddenly canceled around America, for lack of supply?
Also, are these the counting skills and math-letic prowess that Pam Bondi brought to the table when she was running around crying “election fraud!” to help Trump steal the 2020 election?
Just curious.
In other news, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is trying to shitcan all the Narcan, because these motherfuckers don’t actually care about saving lives, they just care about slobbing Dear Leader’s knob for the cameras, the end.
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I believe she's right. 258 million Americans are suicidal because of Trump's presidency but are having a hard time getting illegal drugs to kill themselves.
"like he was using a “Footprints” poster as a dental dam."
I cannot believe that this was written and now that I have read it it will live in my brain forever.
You know those moments when you realize something has changed forever?