657 Comments

I’ve had quite a few track coaches, and none of them ever suggested drinking wine, let alone barged into our hotel rooms in the middle of the night. ( I did have one coach who told us all to eat pasta the night before a race, but that was at a public restaurant.) Then again, I never had “14,000 students” depending on me to win a race: I doubt 140 students even cared whether I was running.

:( Le sigh.

That being said, does our Teetotaling Track Star win the 220 Sprint or not?!? Don't leave me hanging, Film Strip!!!

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I'd happily shower you with money and jewels but unfortunately I don't have much of either... Perhaps I could show up at yr home at some odd hour with a bottle of wine, though. They say it's the thought that counts.

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No Trump for me today please

I really do not care

I just want to live my life

Without him or his orange hair

.

I've had really quite enough thanks

His ravings are not my concern

His kids, his golf, his plane, his dough

Up into the air can burn

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And I thought "Chariots of Fire" was boring...

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Late getting this in, but if you want a tough race, try the Krispy Kreme Challenge in Raleigh NC. It starts at 8 am at the NC State campus, goes 2.5 miles to the Krispy Kreme store where they make their donuts constantly, eat a dozen glazed donuts, then run back 2.5 miles to the starting point in under an hour without barfing. Having a bottle of wine or large quantities of other alcoholic drinks the night before is not recommended.

The store is pretty interesting since there is a glass wall between the store and where they make the donuts. It's mostly automated but you can watch the dough being plopped in rings in the oil, a mechanical flipper flips them over, a metal grid conveyor runs them under a set up that pours the glaze or whatever icing that batch has over them, then it moves down to where they are boxed a dozen at a time. Trying one still warm at the store is nothing like buying a box that's a day old at the grocery store or their normal retail outlets where they are trucked in hours later. They are really good when 5 minutes old.

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Man, at my age I get major heartburn if eat more than *1* KK glazed doughnut at a time -- I'd be ded if I ate an entire dozen, assuming I could force that many down my gullet. (Not to mention you'd want to gobble them as quickly as possible for better race times.)

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I'm glad I don't have a track meet ANY morning.

Or any other time of any day.

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If Mormon track guy is at university who is ironing his pajamas? Does he do it himself? Mail them home to mom? Inquiring minds want to know.

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I wanna see the filmstrip where all the parents of the other track team members go absolutely apeshit and get this guy fired for forcing their kids to drink alcohol.

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Creed, are you alright? Your teammates Dogma, Cult and Horseshit are sick. I can't figure out why.

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Why do I have the strange feeling that there is a subplot to the coach visiting the handsome young athlete in his bedroom?

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Couldn't Jesus afford a Brownie? This was almost like an episode of South Park only really, really stupid.

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Is "You wanna win the race tomorrow, dontcha" some kind of Mormon euphemism for "let's peel off that Magic Underwear and I'll put it on my head"?

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Okay, no. If you fall down at the start of the 100m, you're not gonna win. You'll barely get back up before the others cross the finish line.

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Coach Turd Wacko??

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Coach Badtouch loading his team up on Jesus Juice before a big meet seems highly improbable, but what do I know?

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Might as well enjoy the ride and take the long way home, amirite?

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Getting your entire team drunk and hungover right before a track meet doesn’t seem like a good strategy for a coach.

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I really didn't get a track coach vibe from him. More of a panel van down by the river vibe.

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He would have needed far more than that bottle to get everyone sick drunk.

I suspect they all ate the fish, and our hero did not.

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Or ate the steak house salad bar, which did me in at a meet once. I was dying of food poisoning on the sidelines and none of my team was affected. Only vegetarian on the team...

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Remember that ugly rumor about Rod Stewart in the early '70s? I'm not going to infer something creepy and icky here, but I really am...

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Oh, c'mon, I was only a child of ±10 then and knew nothing of creepy rumors about celebrities. Tell us—or just me, right here, no one else will read it—what it was (because I'm not a fan of Rod Stewart anyway). Pleeease?

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Well, Mr. Stewart (or Davi Bowie or Elton John, depending on who was telling the story) had to have his stomach pumped after he "serviced" a bunch of men at after parties or hotel rooms after a show.

There are several variations: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/rock-star-stomach-pump/

Let us not speak of this again...

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OK, now I read the link. Funny:

<"Never mind that the amount of semen supposedly pumped out of the subject generally exceeded the capacity of even the largest of stomachs, would have required continuously performing blow jobs for about three days straight to ingest...>

That's a LOT of BJing. No one would have ever been able to get anything done, lol!

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That's rock & roll? Ew...

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Haven't hit the link yet but oh, please, let it be Rod Stewart, lol!

I guess it's a good thing I didn't know about that when I was ±10, huh?

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