Awww, Was JD Vance Scared He Was Going To Scrape His Butthole On The River Bottom?
Probably.
If you’ve ever been kayaking or canoeing or even just floating, you might have asked a guide “How high is it right now?” And what you meant by that is how high is the water level. Is it approaching flood stage, or is it the opposite? You might not even ask, only to start noticing when you start scraping your butt on the bottom of the river here and there, especially if you’re tubing. In those cases, it’s good to have somebody on lookout who can tell the whole group when the river bottom is rocky, so that you can all lift your butts while saying “Wheeeeeee!”
It’s part of the experience, part of the “being outdoors” of the whole thing. Nature! It’s got varying conditions!
But we guess if you’re JD Vance, you don’t do any of those normal people things, because you are not normal. Instead, upon finding out the water is low for your birthday kayak trip at the beginning of August, you have the Secret Service call the river and have them add water, because you’re scared of what’s going to happen to your butt if it scrapes along the edge of the river bottom.
Publicly available data on the US Geological Survey (USGS) shows a sudden increase in the river level and corresponding drop in lake elevation during the early August days when Vance was vacationing.
We don’t think ever in the history of everything has there been a public official who has demanded the river level be raised so they don’t scrape their asshole on the bottom of the river. Not until JD Vance.
Maybe it’s sore from the last couch he rode we mean sat on.
Of course, all of this makes more sense when you remember who JD Vance is and what a little milquetoast weenus he is. If you remember that JD Vance runs like this:
Wait that’s not that one, that one is fake news.
This one is not fake news.
This is a man who wears shirts in swimming pools when swimming by himself. Scared Jesus is gonna see your nipples or something? Scared Jesus is gonna give you a purple nurple? Yes, most likely.
That says “beats heat,” not “beats meat.” We know that because it’s JD Vance your brain might have read it wrong.
The Secret Service says they demanded the level of the Little Miami River in Ohio be raised for “safe navigation,” which sounds to us like something you say when you get caught asking for the river to be raised because the vice president is scared he’s going to scuff his butthole. Another source says actually it was in order to create “ideal kayaking conditions.”
Very working class! Very Hillbilly Elegy!
The Guardian reports how unusual this kind of “special release” is, and that it’s generally not ever done by individuals’ special requests, but rather for specific events, or for training exercises, and that in those cases, it’s been announced.
Many are noting that this is some real Roman emperor slash Little Lord Fauntleroy shit. Fuuuuuuuuck. A public official demanding the corps of engineers open up the dam and add more water? A lot of people are noting that “Oh my God, can you imagine if a Democrat?” Like Rebecca. Rebecca noted that.
And here is Wonkette, remembering “French pan.”
Many people are also noting:
The news raises questions about whether Vance’s office was potentially exploiting public infrastructure resources for his personal recreation at a time when the Trump administration has cut billions of dollars in foreign aid, scientific research and government jobs as part of its “efficiency” drive.
Well yes, especially at the National Parks Service!
But Caligula’s horse was sinking right to the bottom when they put her in the kayak with her floaties on!
Also JD Vance was scared the river bottom was going to scrape his bottom, allegedly, or maybe that a scary fish or snake was going to swim up it.
In related news, JD Vance tried to laugh off being featured on last night's “South Park” as Donald Trump’s servant who offers to apply baby oil to Satan’s asshole for him.
“Well, I’ve finally made it,” he tweeted tersely, like a guy whose butthole was real scraped about the whole thing.
This has been a blog post where we speculate on whether the Secret Service had the level of the Little Miami River raised because the vice president of the United States was scared he was going to scrape his butthole on his kayak trip.
Allegedly.
OPEN THREAD.
[Guardian]
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Yesterday was the 21st anniversary of my friend Tito’s murder. I’ve written about him before.
I decided to honor Tito in a way that was very Tito, he so enjoyed making me smile. He said, make yourself smile. I was out riding around on my scooter, past the playground, and he said stop! Get on that swing. Light that joint. There was no one there so I did, and I watched my feet go into the air and just started relaxing. And I smiled.
The day in pictures:
"Make Yourself Smile. Get On That Swing."
https://open.substack.com/pub/ziggywiggy/p/make-yourself-smile-get-on-that-swing?r=2knfuc&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
I'm going to watch that South Park episode later. Now that Paramount owns Comedy Central, it'll be gone soon along with The Daily Show.
In non-political news, I finished Discworld today! 40 something books, several short stories, several animated shorts, several graphic novels, even a couple of movies. I started in January 2024 after getting the results of my prostate biopsy. Stage 4. I figured I would have a lot of time in waiting rooms during tests and radiation treatment. But here I am, still kicking a year and a half later and I'm finished. 6 more months of waiting and watching before stopping treatment. Currently no sign of cancer, and no more Discworld books. On to something new.
Fuck cancer. Hail Sir Pterry - he got me this far.