Baby Pesticide, Army Rape, Wife Rape And Slavery: Meet VA Congressional Candidate Dick Black!

Have you met Dick Black? He is a state Senator in Virginia, and he is running for Congress in Loudon County, and he calls emergency birth control "baby pesticide," which, we are pretty mad we didn't think of that first, because "baby pesticide" is awesome . He has a few other awesome thoughts floating around that big old giant manbrain of his, great thoughts about slavery, and gays, and spousal rape and army rape. All the rape, really, plus Abraham Lincoln, but we repeat ourselves.

Mother Jones has the splainer, and we won't steal too too much of it, just enough to give you an idea of what kind of greatness Virginia could elect to represent it in the US America House of Representatives:

• Emergency birth control is baby pesticide. We told you that one already, and it's still as great as it was when we first said it.

• Black loves spousal rape, because wives wear "nighties." Who can resist that sexxxxy flannel? It will turn anyone into a raper!

• Black loves Army rape, because every 25-year-old is going to rape all the women, that is just human nature. Would you punish a bird for singing? Or a cow for being delicious? Or a man for raping all the women in his unit? You would not.

• Black had the perfect solution to Columbine and its successors: make children call teachers "ma'am" and "sir," because the longhairedhippiefreakscountercultureLennyBruce were responsible for the children shooting all the guns.

• Black hates gay people so much and never wants them to adopt children because they are all too busy suiciding and alcoholicking to be parents, and also they shouldn't get mortgages together because low-interest home loans "subsidizes adultery and sodomy." Oh man, if only it were that easy!

• Lots of other stuff too, including "Abraham Lincoln." You could go over to Mother Jones and read it!

Dick Black for Congress you guys! Virginia, let's do this! Just think of all the good times ahead! As long as those good times aren't in your butt or your vag!

[ MotherJones ]