Baseball Conspiracy Will Make You Horny!

Nuts! Butts! Dongs!

There is nothing more sinful than the human body, especially when it is visible through filmy, near-translucent fabric. The missionary sex factory known as Major League Baseball, or “MLB” to its disgusting acolytes, recently got freaky-deaky by debuting uniforms that are, in essence, a pair of pasties and a giant arrow pointing to the wearer’s tight, sweet little butthole.

Guess they figured, “The NFL has Taylor Alison Swift, we’ve gotta do SOMETHING!” Naturally, this has made headlines! Here is some sober, apparently factual info.

From 2005 through 2019, the manufacturer was Majestic, which Fanatics acquired in 2017. After Majestic’s deal expired, Nike and Fanatics announced a “10-year global partnership” in which Nike would design jerseys that Fanatics would (continue to) manufacture at the same facility. In other words, Fanatics has been producing Nike-branded jerseys for the last four seasons; nothing is different this year except the Nike design that Fanatics is stitching together. 

On the one hand, it’s not a huge disaster or anything; baseball has time to make adjustments, since Opening Day isn’t until March 28. Shit happens! There are three cooks in this kitchen (MLB, Nike, and Fanatics) and that requires a lot of collaboration. There’s waaaay more important stuff happening in the world, and the players are already advocating for changes. We have a few laughs about it, and we move on.

On the other hand, this is the worst thing that has ever occurred! Clearly, one of these devilish entities wanted us to get TURGID and TUMESCENT while watching America’s Game, and it’s already working in MY house! I had to turn my Footprints Poem (TM) to the wall while I watched my little clips from Jomboy and the such! IT WAS THEN THAT ATHLETIC NUTSACKS CARRIED ME!

There are good discussions to be had about how this happened, and why. Dealing with corporate checks and balances is not always easy. “Did anybody at the client test the product samples in front of TV-quality cameras under stadium lights, in addition to doing a usability and/or functionality test with the wearers and collecting responses to return to manufacturer before official production and rollout?” would be my first query.

But those discussions will not happen here! Instead, we are going to talk about how the baseball conspiracy to make us all horny is WORKING.

Americans are having less sex, according to this article from GQ, which looks at a few different studies and therefore is factual for the purposes of this extremely serious investigation you are currently reading on Wonkette. Speaking of which…

While the gist of the GQ article is that we should focus on quality over quantity, other people have other opinions. Specifically, the MLB clearly thinks we should be fuckin’. And what better way to turn America on than make us all enjoy the luscious outlines of a bunch of athletes’ grundles?

This season, take care with the baseball games you allow into your home via your 115-inch TV set mounted on the wall of the shed you built without a permit. Men of America, pray for your daughters and wives and other women who only technically count as people because they are in some way an extension of your identity! Clayton Kershaw’s powers may as yet be fully unknown, and immaculate conception via TV broadcast is very likely!

May God bless our 16-hour broadcasts of slow-moving games featuring clear footage of sweaty buttholes, and may God bless America.