Wanted to let you all know that I'm going to be traveling for the next few weeks. There will be Tabs gifs, but I *might* not be here to comment on them right way. But because I usually schedule them in advance to coincide with what the daily Tabs author has chosen, you can almost always find the info over on my site, https://martiniambassador.substack.com/
Ziggy has graciously offered to continue to keep posting the morning meme chat thread while I'm away.
Not archiving text messages between federal agents? Isn't that a violation of the federal records act? (I could be wrong). But it goes along with not using body-cams as at least one judge has ruled as a deliberate attempt to hide illegal behavior.
The first time I heard "Tiny Bubbles" I was young and we were visiting Hawai'i. I thought it was hilarious. I made up this "song"--not to the original music:
Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md.) said Sunday the Democratic Party should bring aboard embattled GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Ga). “We are a big tent,” Raskin said at the Blue Bash Brunch in the Miami area. “We must be a huge, vast tent. I say this is a party that’s got room for Marjorie Taylor Greene if she wants to come over.”
Ms. Greene only last week suggested that avowed Nazi Nick Fuentes should get more attention. THAT political position has NO place in the Democratic Party.
When DHS dared to call its anti-immigrant racial profiling weekend in Charlotte, North Carolina, “Operation Charlotte’s Web,” I knew I was going to have to write about it.
Tonight, at Law Dork, here it is: "Gregory Bovino is exactly who E.B. White — author of 'Charlotte's Web' — warned us about"
Hi, everyone. It's been a while since I've posted here because, frankly, the world is just too upsetting for me to handle. But I'm posting today because I am REALLY struggling and I am seeking community and maybe encouragement advice if you have it.
I am going through a separation after 22 years of marriage. My wife and I have agreed we are going to separate, and it's probably going to happen in the first part of 2026. I am absolutely terrified. Terrified that I won't be able to handle shared custody of our two kids. Terrified that I am not going to be able to make it on my own. Terrified that no woman is ever going to say "I love you" to me again. My wife insists that she is not mad at me and she doesn't hate me and she wants to be friends and to have me in her life. We are taking our time with the separation. But I still feel like a failure as a man and a husband.
I have been going through counseling for depression for 20 years and it feels worse than ever. I wake up every day feeling so sad and hopeless, and I just have to drag myself through every single day. It is exhausting.
I am trying to do everything that is recommended for depression. I go to counseling as often as I can afford to (about 1-2 times per month). I started journaling recently. I am reading a self-help book and seeking out others. I exercise at least 3 days a week. But it is HARD. And I still feel worthless and hopeless. And weak, and fragile.
I know there are people in this community who experience depression, and I guess I'm just looking for some hopeful stories of people who got past it, or learned coping skills to successfully manage it.
Sending hugs to everyone in this great community who needs them.
I'm really sorry you're going through so much right now. It's like, enough! It sounds like you're doing everything right, though. Good on you for getting help, and just know you've got a lot of us rooting for you!
I used to think I was fairly well-adjusted. Being well-adjusted to this current reality has to be a sign of mental illness, though.
I'd never experienced anxiety until the day after I got 3 stents following my heart attack(s). That's when I started taking THC to combat it.
I was never really depressed until I lost an eye. Shit got really dark and hopeless, and I'm still clawing my way back to the light. Not easy in this dark time of the year. I guess the only bright spot for me is that I've never had an enduring romantic entanglement to destroy.
I hope others here have better insights for you, sorry.
No need to apologize. I am sorry for everything you’re going through. It sounds very painful and difficult. I’m glad you shared, though, and no need to apologize. As others have said to me, I can offer you a virtual hug if it’s welcome. Also, as others have said, keep leaning on us for support if you need it. There are a lot of good, kind people here. Take care, and best wishes on fighting your way back to the light. I will be fighting alongside you.
I've been through depression--not as much or as crushing as many here. You're not alone. I can imagine how this all feels overwhelming, and I would never say anything as dumb as "cheer up", because from my own experiences that makes it worse.
Do let yourself grieve for the 22 years you had together. That's very, very normal.
I'm glad you're seeking help as much as you can. Be sure to be honest with that person and let them know you feel worse. Also, PLEASE call emergency help if it becomes needed, and know that that is a brave move. You are loved and needed.
I think one of the things I noticed was letting myself drift through days and nights, so have a plan. Even if you have just a checklist with "brush teeth", "clean bathroom" or whatever. Have things each day.
You will be a good parent to your kids. They need you and worry about you and their mom being okay. You don't have to suddenly be the BEST parent EVER--just be "normal", if that makes sense. When my parents separated I understood that, but what bothered me was that when I was with my mom, she'd get a little smothering. I see now she needed someone, but that needed to be a friend or therapist and not me. I did NOT want to hear about their problems (being a self-centered child). I wanted the same routines and relationships.
You are fragile, and you will be for a while. Try not to worry about what your life will look like in 20 years, or 10, or 5. There's no way to know. You have to care for yourself and give yourself grace now, and don't suffer future pain.
Thank you so much for this. I have texted with the crisis line several times over the past couple of weeks. I feel like I am abusing it. But I need help and connection. I do think about ending my life quite often. It hurts to think about. But some days it seems like the only way to make the pain and loneliness stop. I don't have a plan, and I don't think I'd ever hurt myself, because I don't want to leave that kind of mess and pain for my kids and stbxw to clean up.
Thank you for taking the time to write this, and thank you for your perspective. I appreciate it more than you know.
Crises like these are more like a kind of emotional alcoholism, in my own experience. If I can't get through a day at a time, I get through an hour. If not an hour, then a minute. And if I'm down to a minute, then I have to devote that minute to getting out of wherever I am to a place that won't support the manufacture of bad thoughts and poor choices in the moment.
Grief needs mourners. People who will be present. People who know there's nothing they can do and are not going to fake fixing it by telling you what to do.
What grief and depression do together requires some finesse because what works for one doesn't necessarily work for the other.
I'll sit with you. Lots of people here will sit with you. Finding them may be easier than you think. There's a lot of grief going around.
Thank you. Yes. I need all the hugs I can get, even if they are internet hugs. I am sitting here waiting for my car to be repaired with tears in my eyes. Thank you for saying this. I am often hesitant to reach out for help because I am afraid I need too much and I don't want to place that burden on other people. Thank you for saying you will sit with me. I need to hear that I am worth someone's time. Hugs back to you.
The only other thing I was thinking is that check if there's some sort of community support group--sometimes they meet at a church but are not religious--for divorce/depression/grief. All would be happy to have you show up, and you don't have to talk, but giving advice and support to others or hearing about them can give a different viewpoint.
There are a couple of virtual support groups that I have been thinking of going to but haven't been able to work up the courage. But this may be the encouragement I need. I moved to a new city a few years ago, I work remotely, and I have no friends to talk to or even just hang out with in this area.
I have little to add to what others here have said, but I will note that during a very deep depression I suffered in my 30's - even though I was already in one-on-one therapy at the time - the thing that helped me most was group therapy. It really forced me to recognize not only that I was not alone with my depression, but also that my issues - compared to those some of the others were facing - appeared relatively minor in the grand scheme of things (though no one there ever treated anyone's problems as minor).
Once, against the strong advice of our psychiatrist facilitator, our group decided to have a social event together, a meal at someone's apartment. I will never forget it. Never before or since have I been to a gathering with such a profound absence of small talk. To our facilitator's astonishment, the event did wonders for all of us.
But the other thing I'll say is this, echoing what Babe said above: You can't know today where you'll be a few years from now. And if I'd known then all that I would have missed had I taken a different path than that hard work of struggling through it all, I'd have redoubled my fight. You'll have setbacks, but keep at it. Every day can bring a new layer of resilience you may not even notice for some time. And sometimes those layers accumulate to form a solid step up.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I am truly overwhelmed by the support and love I have received this morning. Thank you for sharing your perspective on group therapy. I have been scared to give it a try because I know that my problems aren't anything unique and they probably pale in comparison to what other people are going through. But I heard someone say once that "pain is pain," meaning that it doesn't do any good to compare your struggle to someone else's. We're all hurting and we can all be there for each other. I'm glad group therapy worked for you. I think I will give it a try and see if it helps me, too. Thank you again.
This is a really great idea! You only have to attend once, and you don't have to stay--you're not making a big commitment out of it, but maybe just promise yourself you'll tune in to one or two for a little bit and see where it goes.
I hate to make this comparison, but when you first met your wife, you didn't know where that would go either, probably. But you let yourself go there. That's not to say it will be life changing, but an hour of your time certainly won't make anything worse.
My take - as a complete stranger rando on the internet - is that feeling like a failure at the end of a marriage (a topic in which I DO have experience), comes at least in part from the feeling that you have failed to live up to society's expectations. Of being a man. Of being a father. Of being (the somewhat nebulous concept of) a provider.
And it took me a fair while to get to "what the fuck does society know about my personal situation?" And then "and why should I care?"
People WILL judge you. It's our greatest failing as a species.
But they don't know. They can't possibly know. Even the people who know you, don't actually know.
So, you put in the effort, you put in the work, and you and your wife and your kids find what works for all of you. You find the joy in the little things. And THAT'S your new life. And who cares that it doesn't match the "2.5 kids, white picket fence" concepts. That simply doesn't work for everyone, and nor should it.
Thank you. You're absolutely right. I keep comparing myself to other men who ARE married and "making it work" at least as far as I can tell. And I guess I need to figure out how to stop doing that. Thank you for taking the time to post this. I appreciate it more than you can possibly know.
And that's the thing (or more rather "one of the things"). You know the line about how the duck looks placid on the surface, while it's tiny little webbed feet are churning wildly under the surface. That's a LOT of married people.
I'd bet a fair amount of money that a lot of the people who you think are "making it work" are ducks. Placid on the surface ... churning wildly just out of sight. THAT'S what is normal. In today's age a fair amount more than in the recent past.
Comparing yourself to an idealized scenario that isn't reality is bound to make you feel shitty about yourself. But the realization that you don't know those people any more than they knew you ... that's somewhat freeing.
If you can afford it, therapy might help. It did for me ... and it wasn't even all that big of a commitment. I didn't do group, I went to someone recommended to me who deals specifically with the struggle you are currently going through (and that I absolutely went through as well) - that feeling of failure and/or inadequacy that men get when a marriage doesn't last, or you lose a job. We talked maybe 3 or 4 times and I felt better enough that I kind of just stopped going.
And at the time it felt like "this isn't helping" ... but it was actually "this IS helping enough that I got it from here".
Thank you for pointing this out. I find myself getting jealous of people who are in relationships, and who seem effortlessly happy and in control. I forget how much pain and chaos can be swirling under the surface.
I am actually kind of jealous of you for going to a therapist a few times and then figuring it out from there. I’ve been going to therapy for like 20 years and it just doesn’t seem to stick. Lately I feel better immediately after therapy but shortly after I fall apart again, and I struggle until my next appointment. I feel like I must be doing something wrong, or not working hard enough, or something. It’s really frustrating.
Thank you for responding. It helps to know there are people out there who have gone through what I’m going through and survived. It gives me hope.
Your doing the work, and that's what matters. Feeling better shouldn't ever feel like a contest or a race. <<Something Something Empty Platitudes>> about it being a journey not a destination. Except that there is a grain of truth to that saying. It IS about the "travelling there" rather than the "getting there" when measuring success. Or at least I feel like it should be.
There is a whole industry of "self-help" grifters who have been trying to tell the world the exact opposite of that for years.
Sending hugs right back. I am fortunate in that I don't experience depression as you do, but people who do have been a part of my family and my circles my entire life, so as much as I can, I know something of your agony.
I cannot make the pain go away; I cannot fix the world that is causing a good chunk of it. But I can tell you this: it's all small steps, and we will link arms with you and help you make them. You are not a failure, you are not worthless, you're just an imperfect, beautiful human like the rest of us. And we need each other.
Please keep coming back, please keep looking for the small beautiful moments that make life worth living even in the terrible time we are living through. Those moments are there, and we are here.
And cat pictures. Lots and lots of cat pictures. Unless you don't like cats, in which case it's lots of dog pictures, or iguana pictures, or spiders or goats or whatever sparks a tiny lift in your heart. Hang in there, Edgar.
Thank you for this. It made me cry. I do love cats (and dogs and iguanas and all animals). I will keep taking the small steps even if it seems like there is an infinite number of them.
Edgar, I’ll offer this, and try to remember to post in the Open Thread later too:
During the depths of the COVID shut down, a wonker named Wannabe Traveler would ask us, each and every night: What Is Your Gratitude for the Day? She (they? he?) was asking us to think of something, anything, that we were grateful for. And many of us would share the one or two things that we could find gratitude for. Often it was very small stuff: a kitten’s silliness, a good sunset, finding toilet paper or bread, a good meal, a funny thing someone here shared. And sometimes it was the really big stuff - vaccines! monetary help for people without work! Dr Fauci! But big, small or in between, it was a way to touch base with a little bit of Good in all of that Bad.
I still do it. Not every day, but on the bad days in particular, it can help me change my focus, even for a minute or two, and give my brain and heart a break from all the sadness and rage.
Thank you. I know I have a good life, and I have a lot of things going for me. And yet I feel so sad and tired all the time. It's one of the things that makes me feel like a failure. I don't understand how gratitude for what I have and darkness and hopelessness can exist in the same mind. I will make it a part of my journaling practice to express gratitude for something every day. Maybe that will help re-orient me. Thank you for coming back and posting this. I appreciate it more than you can possibly know.
I appreciate you being honest about where you’re at right now. We need to hang on tight to each other - and not just during this terrible timeline. I want to also say that I know that what’s going on, good or bad, outside your head is not the SOURCE of your depression, though no doubt a contributing factor - it’s been going on a long, long time so likely to be rooted in trauma and/or a physical imbalance or something like that.
I am always supportive of counseling, and keep that up whether through talking to others or journaling your way through it or whatever works. But also, consider medication, something I’m hesitant to suggest, but do so because if it was diabetes, or heart issues, or any other physical distress causing the problem, we’d all say: please seek medical attention. Your depression may be rooted in much more than your life experience.
Thank you. I have been taking medication for depression for something like 15 years now. I am not sure it's working anymore. When I talk to my psychiatrist about it, he asks me what I want to do, and I tell him I don't know. I have tried a few different antidepressants. Some have helped, some have made me feel worse. I wish there was a medicine that could cure me, but I guess every person with depression feels that way. Even if there was something that could give me a little breathing room. I just feel awful. But I'll keep going. And thanks for saying I'm loved. It helps, even from internet strangers.
Every time I read one of these roundups I feel like I’m watching late-stage empire through a funhouse mirror. Trump rage posting about Epstein while his people siphon money out of the Treasury, DHS running cosplay occupation tours through blue cities, SNAP recipients getting shaken down with re-apps, and somewhere a border goon is naming an operation after a children’s book while terrorizing actual children.
Feels less like “news” and more like a daily log of how far people will go to protect power, profit, and predators while screaming they’re the real victims. Grateful you keep stitching the threads together so nobody can pretend these are isolated glitches instead of the system doing exactly what it was built to do.
An Arctic fox in yer hed gif. More info: https://martiniambassador.substack.com/p/arctic-fox-emerges
And your meme chat: https://open.substack.com/chat/posts/cc16451c-00cd-4098-b48c-dea2b9edece0
Wanted to let you all know that I'm going to be traveling for the next few weeks. There will be Tabs gifs, but I *might* not be here to comment on them right way. But because I usually schedule them in advance to coincide with what the daily Tabs author has chosen, you can almost always find the info over on my site, https://martiniambassador.substack.com/
Ziggy has graciously offered to continue to keep posting the morning meme chat thread while I'm away.
Button eyes and boopable nose. Arctic fox is stealing all the fox cutes.
Yay, you! 🥰
Thank you in advance, Ziggy.
Peek a boo!
If I had any sense at all
I'd move somewhere down south
Instead of living in a den
Shaped like a monster's mouth.
If I lived in sunny lands
I'd be free from ice
A warm and happy little fox
Now, wouldn't that be nice?
Oh the Fox ran out on a chilly night
And prayed for the Moon to give him light.....
🎶Though the weather outside is frightful
My little den's delightful 🎶
A little paws to look around
Oh hai! Hai cute little fox!
Ironically, *all* the wimmenz Wonkette writers are stone foxes.
The wimmenz Non-Commenters, too, I'll wager!
Not coats!!!!!!!
Sure artic cats don't mind the snow, I'm pretty sure that's because they continue to wear fur despite that society having moved on from the practice.
Foxy fox sneaks a peak outside of a cozy winter den.
Enjoy your travel adventures and keep yourself safe!
Enjoy your adventures!
Safe travels to ya.
Artic fox is adorbs.
Arctic foxes are hella cute.
Baby fox in an icebox!
"What / who do you think he meant? Watson, Wallace, Smith, Sparxxx? One could speculate all day!"
It would be irresponsible not to speculate!
I still think that the "blowing Bubba" is a reference to prison rape.
Not archiving text messages between federal agents? Isn't that a violation of the federal records act? (I could be wrong). But it goes along with not using body-cams as at least one judge has ruled as a deliberate attempt to hide illegal behavior.
Kind of like how all the Secret Service's texts and emails mysteriously vanished after January 6. Tech refresh, yeah that's the ticket!
"Thought America was broke? Are we bailout-rich now?"
It's probably all that tariff money that other countries are paying us, right?
I have seen on the interbutts that Bubba was also the name of Ghislaine Maxwell’s horse.
My apologies to anyone who wanted to keep their breakfast down.
The first time I heard "Tiny Bubbles" I was young and we were visiting Hawai'i. I thought it was hilarious. I made up this "song"--not to the original music:
Tiny Bubbles
In the bathtub
Scent of cheese in the air
Grandma sayin' "My Land!
Someone farted over there!"
A future Wonketteere in the making.
Monday's with Tab's and Coffee in the Morning ☕💯👍
No, just "no":
Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md.) said Sunday the Democratic Party should bring aboard embattled GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Ga). “We are a big tent,” Raskin said at the Blue Bash Brunch in the Miami area. “We must be a huge, vast tent. I say this is a party that’s got room for Marjorie Taylor Greene if she wants to come over.”
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jamie-raskin-marjorie-taylor-greene-big-tent-room-for_n_691b26f9e4b0b43a45c1260f?origin=home-whats-happening-unit
honestly i'm kinda here for it.
No Jamie, just NO
I don’t got room for that transphobe in my tent.
Me neither.
I don't got room for that January 5th/6th bomb planter in my tent.
Do you ever get the impression that some people have very short memories?
The only reason why mad Marge is pissed off is because her own children were losing their benefits.
She’s upset because it affected
her personally.
I remember everything she said
in the past it’s burned into my brain.
And I would personally throw her out of the tent if I had the chance.
I don’t compromise with her kind.
Ms. Greene only last week suggested that avowed Nazi Nick Fuentes should get more attention. THAT political position has NO place in the Democratic Party.
Or in any party, for that matter.
The tent ain’t that big.
Can only stretch so far.
Not just no, but FUCK NO!!!1!
Has Raskin been huffing chemtrails?
President Harris would like to than Liz Cheney for the help.
Let them form their own party. No big tent.
"Operation Charlotte's Web." Just how fucked-up do you have to be to use that for the name of an ICE operation?
"That'll do, pigs. That'll do."
Nothing says someone just doesn't care like screaming I DON'T CARE!
"'Affordability' where we are winning BIG!!"
"Okay, I have your order down. We'll see you the day before Thanksgiving."
"Okay, great. Oh, and how much is it a pound?"
"$8.99."
This is a repost from last night in reference to the Charlotte situation:
Chris Geidner @chrisgeidner.bsky.social
When DHS dared to call its anti-immigrant racial profiling weekend in Charlotte, North Carolina, “Operation Charlotte’s Web,” I knew I was going to have to write about it.
Tonight, at Law Dork, here it is: "Gregory Bovino is exactly who E.B. White — author of 'Charlotte's Web' — warned us about"
https://www.lawdork.com/p/gregory-bovino-is-exactly-who-eb-white-warned-of
______
𝑰 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒄𝒖𝒔 𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒕𝒆 𝒐𝒏 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒆 𝒂𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒄𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒆𝒙𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝑻𝒓𝒖𝒎𝒑 𝒂𝒅𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒂 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒃𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊𝒈𝒏𝒐𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒑𝒖𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏. 𝑨𝒔 𝑫𝑯𝑺 𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒅 𝒐𝒏 𝑺𝒂𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒅𝒂𝒚, 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒚𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒚 𝒊𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒆𝒅 “𝑶𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒍𝒐𝒕𝒕𝒆’𝒔 𝑾𝒆𝒃.”
𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒄𝒆𝒓𝒕𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒖𝒍𝒂𝒓𝒍𝒚 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒚 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒚 𝒄𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒖𝒑 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒊𝒕’𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒍𝒚 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒃𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒔𝒆 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒇𝒖𝒍 𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒂𝒏𝒔 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒅.
𝑬𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒐𝒏 𝒊𝒕𝒔 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆, 𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒂 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒍𝒅𝒓𝒆𝒏’𝒔 𝒃𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒊-𝒊𝒎𝒎𝒊𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒕, 𝒎𝒂𝒔𝒔-𝒂𝒓𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒊𝒔 𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈.
𝑩𝒖𝒕, 𝒕𝒐 𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒂 𝒃𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒃𝒚 𝑬.𝑩. 𝑾𝒉𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒂𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒂𝒏 𝒐𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒏𝒔𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒚. 𝑾𝒉𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒗𝒐𝒊𝒄𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝑨𝒎𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒅𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒇𝒓𝒆𝒆𝒅𝒐𝒎 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒂𝒔𝒄𝒊𝒔𝒎 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒚𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒚. 𝑨𝒃𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆’𝒔 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒂 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒆.
Hi, everyone. It's been a while since I've posted here because, frankly, the world is just too upsetting for me to handle. But I'm posting today because I am REALLY struggling and I am seeking community and maybe encouragement advice if you have it.
I am going through a separation after 22 years of marriage. My wife and I have agreed we are going to separate, and it's probably going to happen in the first part of 2026. I am absolutely terrified. Terrified that I won't be able to handle shared custody of our two kids. Terrified that I am not going to be able to make it on my own. Terrified that no woman is ever going to say "I love you" to me again. My wife insists that she is not mad at me and she doesn't hate me and she wants to be friends and to have me in her life. We are taking our time with the separation. But I still feel like a failure as a man and a husband.
I have been going through counseling for depression for 20 years and it feels worse than ever. I wake up every day feeling so sad and hopeless, and I just have to drag myself through every single day. It is exhausting.
I am trying to do everything that is recommended for depression. I go to counseling as often as I can afford to (about 1-2 times per month). I started journaling recently. I am reading a self-help book and seeking out others. I exercise at least 3 days a week. But it is HARD. And I still feel worthless and hopeless. And weak, and fragile.
I know there are people in this community who experience depression, and I guess I'm just looking for some hopeful stories of people who got past it, or learned coping skills to successfully manage it.
Sending hugs to everyone in this great community who needs them.
I'm really sorry you're going through so much right now. It's like, enough! It sounds like you're doing everything right, though. Good on you for getting help, and just know you've got a lot of us rooting for you!
I used to think I was fairly well-adjusted. Being well-adjusted to this current reality has to be a sign of mental illness, though.
I'd never experienced anxiety until the day after I got 3 stents following my heart attack(s). That's when I started taking THC to combat it.
I was never really depressed until I lost an eye. Shit got really dark and hopeless, and I'm still clawing my way back to the light. Not easy in this dark time of the year. I guess the only bright spot for me is that I've never had an enduring romantic entanglement to destroy.
I hope others here have better insights for you, sorry.
No need to apologize. I am sorry for everything you’re going through. It sounds very painful and difficult. I’m glad you shared, though, and no need to apologize. As others have said to me, I can offer you a virtual hug if it’s welcome. Also, as others have said, keep leaning on us for support if you need it. There are a lot of good, kind people here. Take care, and best wishes on fighting your way back to the light. I will be fighting alongside you.
I've been through depression--not as much or as crushing as many here. You're not alone. I can imagine how this all feels overwhelming, and I would never say anything as dumb as "cheer up", because from my own experiences that makes it worse.
Do let yourself grieve for the 22 years you had together. That's very, very normal.
I'm glad you're seeking help as much as you can. Be sure to be honest with that person and let them know you feel worse. Also, PLEASE call emergency help if it becomes needed, and know that that is a brave move. You are loved and needed.
I think one of the things I noticed was letting myself drift through days and nights, so have a plan. Even if you have just a checklist with "brush teeth", "clean bathroom" or whatever. Have things each day.
You will be a good parent to your kids. They need you and worry about you and their mom being okay. You don't have to suddenly be the BEST parent EVER--just be "normal", if that makes sense. When my parents separated I understood that, but what bothered me was that when I was with my mom, she'd get a little smothering. I see now she needed someone, but that needed to be a friend or therapist and not me. I did NOT want to hear about their problems (being a self-centered child). I wanted the same routines and relationships.
You are fragile, and you will be for a while. Try not to worry about what your life will look like in 20 years, or 10, or 5. There's no way to know. You have to care for yourself and give yourself grace now, and don't suffer future pain.
Love you and hugs back.
Thank you so much for this. I have texted with the crisis line several times over the past couple of weeks. I feel like I am abusing it. But I need help and connection. I do think about ending my life quite often. It hurts to think about. But some days it seems like the only way to make the pain and loneliness stop. I don't have a plan, and I don't think I'd ever hurt myself, because I don't want to leave that kind of mess and pain for my kids and stbxw to clean up.
Thank you for taking the time to write this, and thank you for your perspective. I appreciate it more than you know.
You can't abuse the crisis line by using it.
Yes. Really.
Crises like these are more like a kind of emotional alcoholism, in my own experience. If I can't get through a day at a time, I get through an hour. If not an hour, then a minute. And if I'm down to a minute, then I have to devote that minute to getting out of wherever I am to a place that won't support the manufacture of bad thoughts and poor choices in the moment.
Grief needs mourners. People who will be present. People who know there's nothing they can do and are not going to fake fixing it by telling you what to do.
What grief and depression do together requires some finesse because what works for one doesn't necessarily work for the other.
I'll sit with you. Lots of people here will sit with you. Finding them may be easier than you think. There's a lot of grief going around.
Hug offered, if that's all right.
Thank you. Yes. I need all the hugs I can get, even if they are internet hugs. I am sitting here waiting for my car to be repaired with tears in my eyes. Thank you for saying this. I am often hesitant to reach out for help because I am afraid I need too much and I don't want to place that burden on other people. Thank you for saying you will sit with me. I need to hear that I am worth someone's time. Hugs back to you.
The only other thing I was thinking is that check if there's some sort of community support group--sometimes they meet at a church but are not religious--for divorce/depression/grief. All would be happy to have you show up, and you don't have to talk, but giving advice and support to others or hearing about them can give a different viewpoint.
There are a couple of virtual support groups that I have been thinking of going to but haven't been able to work up the courage. But this may be the encouragement I need. I moved to a new city a few years ago, I work remotely, and I have no friends to talk to or even just hang out with in this area.
I have little to add to what others here have said, but I will note that during a very deep depression I suffered in my 30's - even though I was already in one-on-one therapy at the time - the thing that helped me most was group therapy. It really forced me to recognize not only that I was not alone with my depression, but also that my issues - compared to those some of the others were facing - appeared relatively minor in the grand scheme of things (though no one there ever treated anyone's problems as minor).
Once, against the strong advice of our psychiatrist facilitator, our group decided to have a social event together, a meal at someone's apartment. I will never forget it. Never before or since have I been to a gathering with such a profound absence of small talk. To our facilitator's astonishment, the event did wonders for all of us.
But the other thing I'll say is this, echoing what Babe said above: You can't know today where you'll be a few years from now. And if I'd known then all that I would have missed had I taken a different path than that hard work of struggling through it all, I'd have redoubled my fight. You'll have setbacks, but keep at it. Every day can bring a new layer of resilience you may not even notice for some time. And sometimes those layers accumulate to form a solid step up.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I am truly overwhelmed by the support and love I have received this morning. Thank you for sharing your perspective on group therapy. I have been scared to give it a try because I know that my problems aren't anything unique and they probably pale in comparison to what other people are going through. But I heard someone say once that "pain is pain," meaning that it doesn't do any good to compare your struggle to someone else's. We're all hurting and we can all be there for each other. I'm glad group therapy worked for you. I think I will give it a try and see if it helps me, too. Thank you again.
This is a really great idea! You only have to attend once, and you don't have to stay--you're not making a big commitment out of it, but maybe just promise yourself you'll tune in to one or two for a little bit and see where it goes.
I hate to make this comparison, but when you first met your wife, you didn't know where that would go either, probably. But you let yourself go there. That's not to say it will be life changing, but an hour of your time certainly won't make anything worse.
You are absolutely right. Thank you for the encouragement, and thank you for coming back to leave this comment.
My take - as a complete stranger rando on the internet - is that feeling like a failure at the end of a marriage (a topic in which I DO have experience), comes at least in part from the feeling that you have failed to live up to society's expectations. Of being a man. Of being a father. Of being (the somewhat nebulous concept of) a provider.
And it took me a fair while to get to "what the fuck does society know about my personal situation?" And then "and why should I care?"
People WILL judge you. It's our greatest failing as a species.
But they don't know. They can't possibly know. Even the people who know you, don't actually know.
So, you put in the effort, you put in the work, and you and your wife and your kids find what works for all of you. You find the joy in the little things. And THAT'S your new life. And who cares that it doesn't match the "2.5 kids, white picket fence" concepts. That simply doesn't work for everyone, and nor should it.
Thank you. You're absolutely right. I keep comparing myself to other men who ARE married and "making it work" at least as far as I can tell. And I guess I need to figure out how to stop doing that. Thank you for taking the time to post this. I appreciate it more than you can possibly know.
And that's the thing (or more rather "one of the things"). You know the line about how the duck looks placid on the surface, while it's tiny little webbed feet are churning wildly under the surface. That's a LOT of married people.
I'd bet a fair amount of money that a lot of the people who you think are "making it work" are ducks. Placid on the surface ... churning wildly just out of sight. THAT'S what is normal. In today's age a fair amount more than in the recent past.
Comparing yourself to an idealized scenario that isn't reality is bound to make you feel shitty about yourself. But the realization that you don't know those people any more than they knew you ... that's somewhat freeing.
If you can afford it, therapy might help. It did for me ... and it wasn't even all that big of a commitment. I didn't do group, I went to someone recommended to me who deals specifically with the struggle you are currently going through (and that I absolutely went through as well) - that feeling of failure and/or inadequacy that men get when a marriage doesn't last, or you lose a job. We talked maybe 3 or 4 times and I felt better enough that I kind of just stopped going.
And at the time it felt like "this isn't helping" ... but it was actually "this IS helping enough that I got it from here".
Thank you for pointing this out. I find myself getting jealous of people who are in relationships, and who seem effortlessly happy and in control. I forget how much pain and chaos can be swirling under the surface.
I am actually kind of jealous of you for going to a therapist a few times and then figuring it out from there. I’ve been going to therapy for like 20 years and it just doesn’t seem to stick. Lately I feel better immediately after therapy but shortly after I fall apart again, and I struggle until my next appointment. I feel like I must be doing something wrong, or not working hard enough, or something. It’s really frustrating.
Thank you for responding. It helps to know there are people out there who have gone through what I’m going through and survived. It gives me hope.
Your doing the work, and that's what matters. Feeling better shouldn't ever feel like a contest or a race. <<Something Something Empty Platitudes>> about it being a journey not a destination. Except that there is a grain of truth to that saying. It IS about the "travelling there" rather than the "getting there" when measuring success. Or at least I feel like it should be.
There is a whole industry of "self-help" grifters who have been trying to tell the world the exact opposite of that for years.
I have experienced depression for most of my life. Anti-depressants and a good night's sleep helps me. Take care!!!
Same and same. Antidepressants legit saved my life. I wish I’d started them sooner.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it!
Sending hugs right back. I am fortunate in that I don't experience depression as you do, but people who do have been a part of my family and my circles my entire life, so as much as I can, I know something of your agony.
I cannot make the pain go away; I cannot fix the world that is causing a good chunk of it. But I can tell you this: it's all small steps, and we will link arms with you and help you make them. You are not a failure, you are not worthless, you're just an imperfect, beautiful human like the rest of us. And we need each other.
Please keep coming back, please keep looking for the small beautiful moments that make life worth living even in the terrible time we are living through. Those moments are there, and we are here.
And cat pictures. Lots and lots of cat pictures. Unless you don't like cats, in which case it's lots of dog pictures, or iguana pictures, or spiders or goats or whatever sparks a tiny lift in your heart. Hang in there, Edgar.
Thank you for this. It made me cry. I do love cats (and dogs and iguanas and all animals). I will keep taking the small steps even if it seems like there is an infinite number of them.
Edgar, I’ll offer this, and try to remember to post in the Open Thread later too:
During the depths of the COVID shut down, a wonker named Wannabe Traveler would ask us, each and every night: What Is Your Gratitude for the Day? She (they? he?) was asking us to think of something, anything, that we were grateful for. And many of us would share the one or two things that we could find gratitude for. Often it was very small stuff: a kitten’s silliness, a good sunset, finding toilet paper or bread, a good meal, a funny thing someone here shared. And sometimes it was the really big stuff - vaccines! monetary help for people without work! Dr Fauci! But big, small or in between, it was a way to touch base with a little bit of Good in all of that Bad.
I still do it. Not every day, but on the bad days in particular, it can help me change my focus, even for a minute or two, and give my brain and heart a break from all the sadness and rage.
Thank you. I know I have a good life, and I have a lot of things going for me. And yet I feel so sad and tired all the time. It's one of the things that makes me feel like a failure. I don't understand how gratitude for what I have and darkness and hopelessness can exist in the same mind. I will make it a part of my journaling practice to express gratitude for something every day. Maybe that will help re-orient me. Thank you for coming back and posting this. I appreciate it more than you can possibly know.
I appreciate you being honest about where you’re at right now. We need to hang on tight to each other - and not just during this terrible timeline. I want to also say that I know that what’s going on, good or bad, outside your head is not the SOURCE of your depression, though no doubt a contributing factor - it’s been going on a long, long time so likely to be rooted in trauma and/or a physical imbalance or something like that.
I am always supportive of counseling, and keep that up whether through talking to others or journaling your way through it or whatever works. But also, consider medication, something I’m hesitant to suggest, but do so because if it was diabetes, or heart issues, or any other physical distress causing the problem, we’d all say: please seek medical attention. Your depression may be rooted in much more than your life experience.
You are loved, Edgar. And, always, more hugs!
Thank you. I have been taking medication for depression for something like 15 years now. I am not sure it's working anymore. When I talk to my psychiatrist about it, he asks me what I want to do, and I tell him I don't know. I have tried a few different antidepressants. Some have helped, some have made me feel worse. I wish there was a medicine that could cure me, but I guess every person with depression feels that way. Even if there was something that could give me a little breathing room. I just feel awful. But I'll keep going. And thanks for saying I'm loved. It helps, even from internet strangers.
Yes, Sis and Edgar. And for me, knowing I'm not alone (well I am but...).
And the humor, rage and wisdom here is exponential.
Stay tuned in.
$900 million of IMF funds to bail out Argentina
The Trump syndicate has to make sure they have somewhere comfortable to flee to when the tide turns...
Worked for Eichmann for a few years.
Every time I read one of these roundups I feel like I’m watching late-stage empire through a funhouse mirror. Trump rage posting about Epstein while his people siphon money out of the Treasury, DHS running cosplay occupation tours through blue cities, SNAP recipients getting shaken down with re-apps, and somewhere a border goon is naming an operation after a children’s book while terrorizing actual children.
Feels less like “news” and more like a daily log of how far people will go to protect power, profit, and predators while screaming they’re the real victims. Grateful you keep stitching the threads together so nobody can pretend these are isolated glitches instead of the system doing exactly what it was built to do.