Breaking: Republicans (Surprise Nation / Step On Own Dicks Again) In Obamacare Repeal Vote

Choose your own misadventure

House Republicans (stunned the nation / met already low expectations) this afternoon when they (passed / failed to pass / pulled from consideration) (Paul Ryan's / Donald Trump's) bill to repeal the Affordable Care Act. In (a shocking come-from-behind win / a humiliating defeat / yet another in a series of fuckups) for the Trump administration, the House (passed / fell short of passing / gave up for now on) the American Health Care Acton by (a vote of ___ for and ___ against / pussing out and pulling the bill AGAIN). All the House Democrats voted against the bill, so the loss of ___ Republican votes was (not enough / far more than enough / shut up, there was no vote!) to derail Trump's first major legislative initiative.

A (smiling / glowering) Donald Trump told reporters ("I knew we'd win, bigly" / "You people are enemies of the people and you sabotaged this" / "Why me, sweet Jesus? I thought I told you to give me what I want!") after members of the Freedom Caucus (held their noses and voted for / celebrated their defeat of / led to the delay of) the measure. A visibly (relieved / shaken / intoxicated) Paul Ryan (congratulated the president / distanced himself from the president / hid under his desk) in response to the (win / loss / decision to pull the bill), vowing the House's next priority would be to pass (deep tax cuts for the wealthy / deep tax cuts for the wealthy / deep tax cuts for the wealthy).

Following the (unanticipated victory / crushing defeat / wussy delaying tactic), President Trump took to Twitter to announce ("I am the greatest deal maker of all time, and everyone knew we'd win" / "Washington is full of traitors. It's time to drain the swamp." / "Fuck all of you, I'm going golfing, you fuckers!")

In other news, the New York Times has posted a surprising report on (more connections between the Trump campaign and Russia / Donald Trump's recent Twitter meltdown / the release of the pee hooker tape). White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer dismissed the report as ("Fake News" / "Fake News" / "Fake News").