Bristol Palin Has some SERIOUS Questions For Feminists -- How Will We Ever Answer Them?

'Member when?

Bristol Palin -- and this may shock you -- is not a feminist. She is very confused by feminism and why it might exist. In fact, she claims that feminism, somehow, is setting "us" back decades. Because, she says "feminists say they are all about 'strength,' yet they’re always playing victim." Probably we need to learn a good lesson from Bristol and her mother, neither of whom ever complained about one single thing during the entire Obama administration, because they are so very strong.

Anyway, Bristol has some questions for feminists, and they are real serious questions that we probably will not even be able to answer, because we are dumb and she is smart and she's got us on this one, probably!

1. What rights do we as American women not have?

We can’t vote? We can’t bear arms? We can’t go to school? We can’t work? We don’t have freedom of speech? We have every single opportunity in this great country that anyone else has. Wake me when you start marching in the Islamic countries that murder women for showing more than their eyes in public.

Well, Bristol -- and I feel that I have addressed this multiple times this week, so it's making me a tad dizzy -- the primary reason we are marching here, for our rights, rather than for women in countries where we do not live, is that we also vote here. We have a lot more ability to affect change here than in a country we do not live in. 

I could just as well ask you why the Tea Party did not march for children starving in other countries, or perhaps to free Tibet, or any number of other things. I could ask your mother why she is constantly sobbing over the fact that store clerks say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" when there are people all over the globe actually being oppressed due to their religion or lack thereof, who would likely love to have their worst problem be how they are greeted by the shopgirl at Nordstrom. Though I disagree with them, I was aware that their problems were here, and not with things going on in other countries.

If you and your fellow conservatives have such fabulous ideas about what we ought to be protesting instead, I suggest you get it together and do that yourselves! Personal responsibility and all.

As for rights! Well, for one thing, we still don't have the goddamned Equal Rights Amendment, which is straight up embarrassing . Really, who is it that's scared of one line that says "Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex"? Even if you think women are "already equal," it seems bizarre to be threatened by such a thing, no?

But that is not our biggest problem right now. Our biggest problem right now is that we are facing a loss of rights we had already gained. Women all over our country have had their right to choose abortion restricted already, and it's likely that, soon enough, the rest of us will lose it entirely. Unfortunately, unlike you, if we have an unplanned pregnancy, we cannot count on money from Mommy and Daddy to help us get by. We could be financially devastated! And that is a less than exciting prospect for most of us.

Oh! Also -- you may not have heard, but Congress and Donald Trump are all geared up to defund Planned Parenthood. While this may not be an immediate issue to you -- someone who clearly has no interest in birth control whatsoever -- the impact this will have on women across the country is immeasurable. Not for women who have abortions -- which are already not paid for "with taxpayer money" -- but for women who go there for other services as well. Birth control, cancer screenings, STD testing, etc. etc. For the 20 percent of women who live in areas where there are no other choices for medical care covered by Medicaid. Guess you just don't care about the women in "flyover country" huh?!

The financial impact this will have on our country, by the way, is astounding! You see, abortions aside, Planned Parenthood prevents over 579,000 unintended pregnancies a year. Probably more! When Texas defunded Planned Parenthood, births shot up 27%. At over four million pregnancies a year, an increase of 27% is a LOT of babies. Where, exactly, do you think we are getting the money for these babies, who are going to need Medicaid, and probably other kinds of subsidies in order to merely survive. Not to mention the fact that pregnancy itself is pretty darned expensive! Unlike you, you see, most women actually cannot actually afford multiple unintended pregnancies! Especially when we don't have maternity leave or subsidized day care in this country!

Sure, you could say "adoption" -- but how are we going to place like, 600,000 babies a year?

Just to make you happy though, we are concerned about women in other countries as well! Because we're awfully unhappy about the whole "gag rule" thing, which bans USAID funds from going to any NGOs that perform abortions or provide referrals for abortions. Given the fact that, due to the Helms Rule, we already did not "fund abortions" and these NGOs used privately sequestered funds for them instead -- this basically just means that people can't get their vaccines, malaria treatments, HIV/AIDS treatments now, because y'all just wanna be petty. It's pretty bad! Especially since this newfangled version is even more severe than the one put in place by Bush II, which allowed exceptions for NGOs dealing with HIV/AIDS patients, on account that not being able to talk about abortion makes it real darn hard to fight that particular problem.

I could go on, and on and on, but let's get to your next question!

2. What are you trying to prove by dressing up like “pussies”?

I’m embarrassed to be a woman in a generation like this. As a middle class working mom – wife – and independent woman – this is completely asinine. I’m telling you, dressing like a giant vagina and holding signs that say things like “Do my periods scare you?” is doing NOTHING to help women, and a LOT to hurt them.

First of all, we are very glad you are a wife now, and not like all those unrespectable unmarried hooers what get knocked up without a ring on it. Those women are TERRIBLE.

Second of all? YOU ARE NOT MIDDLE CLASS. Just to get that out of the way. You are a rich person. Third, allow me to refer to something your beloved Donald Trump said:

"I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.[...]Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.[...] Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything."

So that's where that came from! Personally, I am a heck of a lot more embarrassed to have a President who said shit like that than I am by pussy costumes! But I suppose you and I have different priorities! But, while we are talking about costumes here...

Not sure you guys have room to talk!

3. What if the tables were turned?

Can you imagine if men dressed as giant dicks? Wore penis hats? And held signs like “don’t assume I cook?” .. feminists would freak out and claim they’d been harassed, no doubt.

Um. When men have their reproductive rights threatened -- or hey! Even if Medicare Part B suddenly decides not to cover penis pumps and we no longer have tax money for old boners -- they are more than welcome to dress up like penises. Or pumps. Also, I'm not sure who you think is holding a sign that says "Don't assume I cook," but a man holding such a sign would not actually bother me. I don't assume anyone cooks, generally speaking.

So there you have it, Bristol! Answers to all of your questions! If you've got more, I'd be more than happy to help you out!

[ Bristol Palin ]