British Spies Tell Devin Nunes To Go Fuck A Euro-Cow

WHAT THE FUCK DID HE THINK HE WAS GOING TO FIND IN ENGLAND?

Fucking fiddlesticks, can California's 22nd please please PLEASE vote this dumb traitor dickwad out in November? Because here is what Devin Nunes is doing for his constituents these days.

Earlier this month, Natasha Bertrand reports at  The Atlantic    , Devin Nunes left America on a jet plane to go to England on an investigative mission . (No, we do not know if he brought a cow with him, and if so, if she got to sit in first class or if she had to ride underneath the plane, STOP ASKING US IF DEVIN NUNES FUCKS COWS, WE DON'T KNOW.)

Here is the basic graf you need to know about:

According to two people familiar with his trip across the pond who requested anonymity to discuss the chairman's travels, Devin Nunes, a California Republican, was investigating, among other things, Steele's own service record and whether British authorities had known about his repeated contact with a U.S. Justice Department official named Bruce Ohr. To that end, Nunes requested meetings with the heads of three different British agencies—MI5, MI6, and the Government Communications Headquarters, or GCHQ. (Steele was an MI6 agent until a decade ago, and GCHQ, the United Kingdom's equivalent of the National Security Agency, was the first foreign-intelligence agency to pick up contacts between Trump associates and Russian agents in 2015, according to The Guardian .)

Oh how exciting! MENSA Devin thinks he's a secret agent man now! Did he think maybe he'd get to meet the real James Bond and together they would buy matching outfits and embark on a top secret mission to prove that the Dodgy Dossier is fake news from Russia?

If so, it didn't go that way:

But those meetings did not pan out—Nunes came away meeting only with the U.K.'s deputy national-security adviser, Madeleine Alessandri.

WOMP WOMP, nobody wants to talk to Fucking Devin, because they know how he is. How hilarious would it have been to work in British intelligence that day, just a buncha spies LOLing with each other about how Fucking Devin the Stupid Fake Farmer from America is knocking on the door, but seriously, you guys, nobody let him in, OK?

This is what happens when you're as stupid as you are ambitious. Remember that amazing profile of how long Devin Nunes has been an extraordinarily stupid man who ends up believing the conspiracy theories he invents with his brain? You should go back and read it, if not, because it also talks about the first cow Devin Nunes ever loved, whose name was Gem.

Astute readers of the Wonkettes will remember that Devin Nunes was involved in a similar British vacation about this time last year, except that time he didn't go personally, but rather sent two House Intel Committee staffers to England to show up at Christopher Steele's lawyer's office and ... uh, we don't know, they didn't plan that part, and they got told to fuck off that time too.

Nunes and the rest of the GOP have latched onto this weird theory (that they made up) that because Fusion GPS, the American intel firm that contracted Christopher Steele, also had a Russian client at the time, on a completely separate matter, that naturally it follows that CHRISTOPHER STEELE IS THE REAL COLLUSION. Devin Nunes and his friends are fucking stupid, did we mention that yet?

And as a result, Nunes is wasting his constituents' time in England. (And either just before or after that, he went to Azerbaijan to meet with that nation's president, who is also the father-in-law of Emin Agalarov, the mediocre Russian/Azerbaijani pop star who approached Donald Trump Jr. for that little Trump Tower treason meeting. No shit. )

Of course, Devin Nunes had questions in England that went unanswered. Thank the heavenly father Wonkette is here to help!

Tell us about Christopher Steele's service record, Wonkette!

It is fucking impeccable . Steele is one of the foremost Russia experts in the whole entire world, and one of the most respected spies too. He was the head Russianist for MI6! He helped America solve the FIFA scandal! He investigated the polonium murder of Alexander Litvinenko! As Jane Mayer explained in her excellent profile of Steele:

The British Secret Intelligence Service is highly regarded by the United States, particularly for its ability to harvest information from face-to-face sources, rather than from signals intelligence, such as electronic surveillance, as the U.S. often does. British and American intelligence services work closely together, and, while Steele was at M.I.6, British intelligence was often included in the U.S. President's daily-briefing reports. In 2008, Michael Hayden, the C.I.A. director, visited the U.K., and Steele briefed him on Russian developments. The following year, President Obama visited the U.K., and was briefed on a report that Steele had written about Russia. Steve Hall, a former chief of the C.I.A.'s Central Eurasia Division, which includes Russia, the former Soviet states, and the Balkans, told me, "M.I.6 is second only perhaps to the U.S. in its ability to collect intelligence from Russia." He added, "We've always coördinated closely with them because they did such a great job. We're playing in the Yankee Stadium of espionage here. This isn't Guatemala."

Literally anybody who's worked at the FBI or CIA for a long time could answer this question for Devin Nunes, if he was smart enough to ask.

As for Devin Nunes's second question, about whether the British spies knew about Christopher Steele's contacts with Bruce Ohr, well, that's just a really fucking stupid question. But it leads us to a non-stupid question, which is WHO THE FUCK IS BRUCE OHR?

We will examine that one in our next post, because you need to know!

SPOILER: He's pretty badass.

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[ The Atlantic ]