Bro, You Get Those War Plans I Texted You? Tabs, Tues., March 25, 2025

Tabs!

Tabs gifs by Martini Glambassador

Video time!

Hahahahahahaha, no notes. Never change, Pete Hegseth!

Well, if you haven’t heard the story yet, here it is:

Is it BAD that Secretary Shitfaced and NSA Mike Waltz and DNI Tulsi Gabbard and JD Vance and Chief of Staff Susie Wiles and Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent and CIA Director John Ratcliffe and White House Resident Nazi Stephen Miller and Secretary of State Marco Rubio and all Trump’s other top national security officials were on Signal together blabby-blubbering about the hot strike they were about to do to the Houthis in Yemen, instead of talking about it in SCIFs or somewhere more secure? What if we told you that Waltz accidentally added Atlantic editor-in-chief Jeffrey Goldberg to the Signal chat? What if we told you Secretary Shitfaced just spilled allllllllll the attack details in that highly insecure Signal chat? What if we told you that Mike Waltz speaks with shitloads of emojis, like a serious grownup? [Atlantic]

Here is Secretary Shitfaced, and OH BOY HE MAD at Jeffrey Goldberg for something that is Secretary Shitfaced’s fault and Mike Waltz’s fault and not Jeffrey Goldberg’s fault! Of course, his greasy face and mouth and hair made these comments after the White House confirmed Goldberg’s reporting was exactly right.

Sure, bud. (Maybe he doesn’t remember what he said in that thread for some reason.)

Fox News idiot Will Cain — the other nondescript white man who used to sit on the “Fox & Friends” weekend couch with Shitfaced, he is every bit as unimpressive — says the real lesson here is what cool and smart guys and gals these are, how cool, how calm, how contemplative, how mindful, how demure! Watch these great minds bounce thoughts off each other!

“If you look at the actual content of what was reported, if you look at how they discuss potential strikes on Houthis in Yemen, what you will see is dialog between Vice President JD Vance, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, National Security Advisor Mike Waltz, Stephen Miller, Tulsi Gabbard, and many more in a very collaborative, open, honest, team-based attempt to come to the right decision.

“After years of secrecy and incompetence, if you read the content of these messages, I think you will come away proud that these are the leaders making these decisions in America.”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha fuck. Told you he was every bit as dumb as Hegseth. [JoeMyGod]

Speaker Mike Johnson says GOSH! of course nobody needs to be held accountable for this Hegseth/Waltz dumbfuck special, GOSH! holy and blameless conservative white men make mistakes sometimes, GOSH! [Twitter]

Here’s what Pete Buttigieg, a guy named Pete who actually knows shit about fuck, thinks about all this:

Here is what else he thinks:

Here’s how it’s being covered overseas. They really noticed the parts where JD Vance and Secretary Shitfaced said terrible things about Europe, specifically that Europe is a bunch of pathetic freeloaders.

The Trump regime now says it’s invoking the “state secrets” privilege with these Alien Enemies Act deportations into Salvadoran prison slavery of — far as we can tell so far — totally innocent people. Therefore they don’t have to answer NOTHIN’ to that judge or give their prisoners due process or anything American like that. So we guess if Judge Boasberg wants to find out what the government’s hiding, he’d better go sit next to Pete Hegseth at a bar and buy him Fireball shots and see if he can get his Signal number. [NOTUS]

While we’re on the subject, at my Friday place, if you missed it, I lost my fucking shit over the fact that the Trump regime appears to have disappeared at least one completely innocent LGBTQ person into that black hole of a torture prison in El Salvador. It’s starting to look like there might be a second person along those lines. Come on by to see me losing my shit! Also subscribe if you haven’t. You have, haven’t you? [The Moral High Ground]

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Louis DeJoy has fucked off into the sunset from his job as postmaster general, which he was like so good at, you guys. [Time]

Attorney General Nazi Barbie is trying to big and threatening and scary to Rep. Jasmine Crockett, because apparently we’re all supposed to pretend Crockett is inciting violence against poor innocent Teslas. Pam Bondi is full of shit and Americans are allowed to peacefully protest whatever the fuck they want to peacefully protest. They can even hold mean signs that say things like “Swasticar.”

Mujadara (moo-JUD-duh-ruh) is a lovely and delicious and healthy Lebanese comfort food, and this recipe for it is easy as fuck to make. [New York Times]

OK, that’ll be enough.

Big Worldwide Threats hearing at 10 a.m., starring Tulsi Gabbard and John Ratcliffe. Should be a hoot! Gonna liveblog! Will be wild!

Evan has a side project called The Moral High Ground, you should check it out and subscribe there too!

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