Carly Fiorina Lies To Dogs, Eats Milkbones, Is Bitch

Oh dear sweet Jesus, lying liar Carly Fiorina has made a "debate prep" video in a seeming attempt to appear cuddly and sweet, as opposed to the sniveling lie-face she is. The video is called "Why Dogs Are Better Than Cats," and while yr Wonkette personally agrees with that statement wholeheartedly, you'd think MAYBE Carly, who is currently polling at Zero Point Diddlyshits, wouldn't want to risk alienating cat people. Just a thought.

Here are the best parts of this video, to scar you for the rest of your life:

The part where she tells the dogs lies about the American president

Cuddling several of her furry friends, Carly leans in and says, "You know, President Obama ate one of your cousins. Vote Republican!" That is like ... WHAT EVEN THE FUCK, CARLY? Okay, okay, we know, when Obama was a young boy in his native land of Afghanimuslokenyastan, before he faked his longform birth certificate, he ate dog meat one time. But where is Carly's evidence that it was one of the cousins of the pup she was holding? Did she SEE THE VIDEO? Were there dog parts writhing on the table???

Anyway, we're pretty sure that's the kind of joke someone would make if she were a dumb, classless bitch. Is that bad to say, do you think?

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AND MOREOVER, how is this an endorsement of voting Republican? We seem to remember ONE Republican candidate (Mike Huckabee!), whose son David goddamned slaughtered a sick dog, for fun. And that was in U.S. America, so it seems like patriotic American dogs would do better to stay away from Republican presidential candidates, but would do fine with the Obamas, who have ALL THE PUPPY LOVE. 

The part where she eats dog treats

Carly Fiorina: "I always used to eat Milkbones as a kid. I thought they were very good!"

Apparently she still does!

 
 Yum yum eat 'em up

The part where we learn she lied to the dogs' faces about eating dog treats

Here is Carly, spitting backwash-coated, pre-masticated Milkbone into her hand, the second the dogs look away:

If her lips are moving, she's lying. We always thought that was just when she was talking, but apparently it's when she's chewing and doing other things with her mouth too. (Don't think too hard about it if you want to be able to keep doing your Duggar-approved boning to your wife or husband or horse.)

The part where she actually made the "persona" joke, and we kind of LOLed

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Carly Fiorina, complimenting a dog: "Look at that face! I mean PERSONA." For honest, we laughed. You, of course, remember when Donald Trump said shitbag things about Carly's face, but then claimed he meant her "persona." That made her so mad! (At Democrats!)

She also says she likes dogs because they would NEVER tell her to smile like common human beings. She then demonstrates a "smile."

The part where we find out that even the entire premise of the video is a lie, because she likes cats too

Carly tells one of the pups, "Not even Obama has a cat!" (PROBABLY BECAUSE HE EATED THAT TOO, #JOKES) She quickly adds, "I mean, I really like cats too, though." To prove it, she strokes a pussy:

The part where it's almost over, Jesus fuck...

Carly Fiorina, kidding around with a small dog: "Somebody on Twitter said that I remind them of Cruella de Vil. That is totally unfair. Though your coat is EXCEPTIONALLY soft." Welp. If you say so!

Finally, the most surreal moment of the video comes at the end, as two dogs, one with what SOUNDS like it's supposed to be a Messican accent, watch the video of Carly, on their doggie laptop. The larger dog says, "Are those treats? Oh HELL yeah!"

 
 Dogs way cuter without Carly Fiorina in frame.

Bad news, pups. Carly Fiorina eated your treats, except how all she did was chew them up in her mouth and spit them out, so unless your favorite kind of doggie biscuit is "ground mouth-chuck of known liar," you're out of luck.

Y'all come back in a little while for the Republican debate liveblog! We're sure it can't be as creepy as this video, shut up, yes it can.

[ The Hill ]