Chris Christie Is Not Dead Yet, Says Chris Christie

Chris Christie, governor of New Jersey and the presidential candidate most likely to drop out next, according to our Very Scientific Wonkette gay wizardry of looking for Christie support in the polls and not finding any, says he is not dead yet. You know who else said that? Rick Perry. Right before he said, “Oops, yes I am. Bye!”

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Still, Christie was allowed to fill in for whatever far more interesting guest was originally slated to appear on Fox News to girl talk with Megyn Kelly. You'll be shocked and amazed to know that Gov. Christie agrees with the Official Prettiest Young Thing In America, Miss USA née Miss Alabama, that Donald Trump should STFU and let “the incredible candidates like Jeb Bush and Chris Christie” (LOL, Miss Alabama, you are adorbs) have some of the media attention. Christie does acknowledge, however, that it is also up to the non-Trumps to be at least a tad more interesting than watching paint dry.

CHRISTIE: The fact is that we have to do the job. We have to do the job to make sure that people hear our voice.

KELLY: You need to be more exciting, and then we would cover you more.

CHRISTIE: Well, I don't know about that. But I think right now what we need to do is to make sure that we're giving people exactly what we want to do for this country and to let them know how frustrated we are too by the way the government's failing them. And it'll come around.

Donald Trump wants to Make America Great Again. And he will, because it says so on his hat. Can you really top that, Governor?

No, he cannot.

KELLY: Right now, the latest ABC News poll puts you at 1 percent. You were at 3 percent in July. And the Monmouth New Hampshire poll puts you down at 2 percent. Trump has 28 percent.

Ouch, Megyn Kelly, that's just mean to say those numbers to Chris Christie to point out how he is losing so so so hard, he is behind so so so far, OUCH.

KELLY: Why would voters think you can still make it?

CHRISTIE: Well, because it's September, Megyn. And the election's not held tomorrow. And we have campaigns for a reason. You know, we have all this time to campaign so that people can really evaluate you. And the fact is, I don't worry about that stuff. I really don't.

You know what that is? That right there is weak-ass loser talk is what that is. National interest in President Christie peaked in November 2013, at a whopping not-quite-15 percent and has been steadily dropping lower ... and lower ... and lower lower lower ... ever since.

Speak truth to him, Megyn, from your wherever, if it's not bleeding too much:

KELLY: How do you overcome that deficit?

CHRISTIE: Well, let's see, where was Ben Carson four weeks ago? He was in single digits. Now he's in the 20s. So how did that happen?

Sorry, Chris Christie, but you're no (LOL) Ben Carson. Four weeks ago, Ben Carson was still doing better than you, sir, and now he has surged to numbers Christie can only think about in bed at night with the lights off, while he's doing contraception sex to his wife.

Megyn Kelly reminds Christie it was the debate what helped Ben Carson. Remember how he was like, “I am the only one on this stage who ever did history-making surgery to conjoined twins,” and Republicans were all, “Oooh! Ahhh!” because the next president just might have to separate some conjoined twins at the head, you never know? And how did Chris Christie do at the debate? Oh, right, he was boring and irrelevant, except for that one minute when he said “GRRR ARGH ROAR!” at Rand Paul, which everyone promptly forgot.

Christie, though, says there are still many debates to come, so maybe he will do like Ben Carson and go to the not-quite-top of the polls, instead of being down in the moldy dungeon basement, with the other 1 percent losers like Bobby Jindal. Maybe he should go to medical school real quick and learn how to do brain surgery and save some twins and talk about that. But no, he is going to be himself and show people what's in his heart.

Which is not a very good idea, because everyone knows that in Christie's heart, Christie is A Dick, and not in a funny fun entertaining Donald Trump way. More like in a “Oh, fuck that guy” way. Hey, Christie, maybe you should try to be more like Donald Trump! People pay attention to him. But Christie says no one wants to pay attention to Trump, which is wrong, EVERYONE wants to pay SO MUCH attention to him, Fox News cut away from a Jeb speech earlier this summer to show an EMPTY STAGE where Trump would be speaking some time later.

CHRISTIE: Well, it may be they just don't agree with or like what what they're hearing from those candidates?

KELLY [laughing, SO MEAN]: We gotta put on more Chris Christie, talking about indictments.

CHRISTIE: Well, that's exactly right. Your ratings will go through the roof.

KELLY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

CHRISTIE: Skyrocketing, skyrocketing! You want ratings? Christie is ratings. Ratings, Megyn.

KELLY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

CHRISTIE: Total ratings.

KELLY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So much fun! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

CHRISTIE: Very big.

KELLY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

And then Chris Christie went home and fapped to fantasies of being Ben Carson, the end.

[Fox clip via Mediaite ]