FBI Arrests Trump-Loving Rep. Chris Collins, Just For Doing All These Crimes!

DRAIN THE TRUMP SWAMP.

Chris Collins, the GOP congressman from New York's 27th district (near Buffalo and Rochester), was the first person in all of Congress to get behind Donald Trump's candidacy for president, because we guess he's attracted to idiots with fucked up faces who lie BIGLY. He was on the Trump transition team too, and we guess that close association with Trump goes a long way to explaining why Collins is a common Jail Person now -- get it? Because Trump picks THE BEST PEOPLE! (And they all get indicted, eventually.)

Collins surrendered to the FBI Wednesday morning on charges of securities fraud and wire fraud and insider trading and ALL THE REST OF IT, KATIE. Dedicated readers of The Wonkette may remember elements of this story, because Wonkette covered it when Collins was under investigation by the Office of Congressional Ethics (OCE) for maybe little bit engaging in a wee tiny of insider trading, concerning his pet Australian biotech company, Innate Immunotherapeutics. They were going to cure HIV and HPV (not the same thing, Mr. President) and the shits and the giggles and all the other diseases too! 'Cept maybe not.

Collins, who is on the board of Innate and owns a lot of stock in it, was over here in US America getting all his rich friends, family, and fellow congressmen to give him some US American dollars to invest, and his fun Australian biotech company was in Australia "curing all the diseases." (Fun science fact: One of those congressmen was TOM FUCKING PRICE, who went on to become the former secretary of Health and Human Services. Guess who made $225,000 investing in Innate Immunotherapeutics? TOM FUCKING PRICE. Guess who wouldn't cooperate with the OCE investigation into this? TOM FUCKING PRICE. Guess who's probably wondering if the FBI is going to show up and arrest him today too? Oh, basically everybody Donald Trump has ever met, but also TOM FUCKING PRICE.)

Unfortunately Collins was also whispering little secrets to his investors about secret information regarding the company, and the FBI was apparently on the case, which leads Collins to his current predicament of being a total Jail Person. His lawyers are saying "Nuh uh, he didn't do any insider trades," which might sound like a defense, except for how it takes two to engage in dirty insider trading, and one of those is the Insider Person who is sharing all the dirty secrets with those doing the trading. Collins was the Insider Person, allegedly.

Collins, 68, faces insider trading charges along with his son, Cameron Collins, and Stephen Zarsky, the father of Cameron Collins' fiancée, according to the U.S. Attorney's Office in the Southern District of New York. [...]

According to a grand jury's indictment, Collins in June 2017 passed along material that was nonpublic regarding the results of a drug trial — meant to treat a form of multiple sclerosis — so his son "could use that information to make timely trades in Innate stock and tip others."

The drug trial had failed — and Innate's stock would eventually tumble by 92 percent.

The indictment alleges that when Collins found out his Australian biotech company had failed to cure MS with a drug cocktail of Alex Jones's trucker speed and flower essences (we don't know what they used, we're just being dicks), he immediately started calling his son like "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!" (He was at the congressional picnic on the White House lawn at the time.) And then his son called his future father-in-law and said "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!" And then they sold, because they all knew the insider information.

Doing this is not a Good Thing, as Martha Stewart learned the hard way.

But can we note how sweet it is that Collins and his son were doing crimes with their future in-laws? Because we all know how IN-LAWS are, right? Usually they're annoying and smell like badger sweat, but these folks were so tight they crimed together! We guess that old expression you always see on cross-stitched pillows still rings true: "I love my in-laws, but I REALLY love my out-laws!"

Anyway, those who benefited from Chris Collins's "OH SHIT" messages (could TOM FUCKING PRICE be one of them?) got to keep $768,000 they would have lost if they had not been total crimers, and now Chris Collins is in federal custody, WOMP WOMP.

Oh hey, wanna help Collins's Democratic opponent out in November? His name is Nate McMurray, and you can do that by clicking here! 

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[ NBC News ]