A Dizzying Array Of Brilliant Genius Thoughts From Our Leader As He Sat On This Morning's Terlet

My kingdom for a Metamucil!

Didn't Mama Trump ever tell little Donny not to push too hard? Are there no prunes in DC? Or is that the real reason Hope Hicks has been summoned back to Washington? Because if someone doesn't convince the old man to eat a plant, our national security is at grave risk from the extended morning tweet sessions as he, uh, strains at stool?

Even by the debased standards of Trump's (allegedly) obstructed colon, this morning's poop tweets were completely off the rails. At 8 a.m., he attacked the judge in Roger Stone's case by name again, quoting "Fox Judge" Andrew Napolitano's call for a new trial because the foreperson is a BIASSSSSS Democrat. 

Judge Jackson now has a request for a new trial based on the unambiguous & self outed bias of the foreperson of the jury, whose also a lawyer, by the way. 'Madam foreperson, your a lawyer, you have a duty, an affirmative obligation, to reveal to us when we selected you the existence of these tweets in which you were so harshly negative about the President & the people who support him. Don't you think we wanted to know that before we put you on this jury.' Pretty obvious he should (get a new trial). I think almost any judge in the Countrywould order a new trial, I'm not so sure about Judge Jackson, I don't know." @Judgenap (Andrew Napolitano) @foxandfriends 

Guess Trump forgave Judge Nap for being a closet Democrat who supported impeachment . Anyway, no, fuck off , the foreperson has no "affirmative obligation" to disclose her public social media posts. Stone's lawyers had an affirmative obligation to craft a jury questionnaire and ask questions during voir dire that would reveal potential bias against their client. If they couldn't be bothered , well, that's on them, not her. They had a chance to strike her, either peremptorily or for cause, and they didn't. 

@RMFifthCircuit I think the error gets quite a bit weaker when the judge struck 40 other jurors for cause. The clai… https: //t.co/Px5wLI4ntB

— Andrew Fleischman (@Andrew Fleischman) 1582041983.0 

Then it was on to Round 2, where Trump threatened to sue everyone associated with the Mueller investigation.

These were Mueller prosecutors, and the whole Mueller investigation was illegally set up based on a phony and now fully discredited Fake Dossier, lying and forging documents to the FISA Court, and many other things. Everything having to do with this fraudulent investigation is badly tainted and, in my opinion, should be thrown out. Even Mueller's statement to Congress that he did not see me to become the FBI Director (again), has been proven false. The whole deal was a total SCAM. If I wasn't President, I'd be suing everyone all over the place BUT MAYBE I STILL WILL. WITCH HUNT!

Cry harder, bitch. No, the Mueller investigation wasn't predicated on the Steele Dossier; no one "forged" anything for the FISA court; two of the Stone prosecutors never worked for Mueller; no, Robert Mueller wasn't trying to get hired as FBI director; and even if he had been, it wouldn't amount to a conflict of interest.

NEXT.

The Crooked DNC is working overtime to take the Democrat Nomination away from Bernie, AGAIN! Watch what happens to… https: //t.co/IRv7eckxcP

— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1582034471.0 

Weak.

Look, President Trade War has #Thoughts on who is gumming up the works with China. Spoiler Alert: It is Democrats.

The United States cannot, & will not, become such a difficult place to deal with in terms of foreign countries buying our product, including for the always used National Security excuse, that our companies will be forced to leave in order to remain competitive. We want to sell product and goods to China and other countries. That's what trade is all about. We don't want to make it impossible to do business with us. That will only mean that orders will go to someplace else. As an example, I want China to buy our jet engines, the best in the World. I have seen some of the regulations being circulated, including those being contemplated by Congress, and they are ridiculous. I want to make it EASY to do business with the United States, not difficult. Everyone in my Administration is being so instructed, with no excuses. THE UNITED STATES IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS!

The guy who enacted tariffs on $200 billion of Chinese goods wants to make it EASY for other countries to do business with us, okay? Because China pays for the tariffs, just like Mexico pays for the wall.

Extra chutzpah points here for admitting that "the always used National Security excuse" is absolute bullshit. Not only did Trump shout NATIONAL SECURITY before raiding congressionally allocated military funds for his Fuck You Mexico Wall, but he used the same wheeze to justify steel tariffs on our Canadian and European allies. But anyway, THE UNITED STATES IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS!

Round 5 was just a repeat of the Round 1 attack on a sitting federal judge, only this time he actually used apostrophes in "you're."

 
 Giphy 

And on his way out to "work" at 10: 35 a.m., Trump paused to brag that only half the country hates him. At least according to Rasmussen, the GOP's very favorite, totally unbiased pollster. (That's not what anyone else says, but whatever.)

Help us, whole wheat, you're our only hope!

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