Joe Biden Forced Me Go To Target And I Think My Barbecue Sauce Is Transgender

Cool platform, guys, this is probably exactly what normal Americans want to hear.

Amid everything else, we saw a couple things yesterday that just really illustrate how diseased the conservative brain has become. Or maybe we are the crazy ones and this is exactly what regular normal Americans want to hear.

Newt Gingrich formed this thought and tweeted it on purpose sometime yesterday afternoon just as Donald Trump was headed to the courthouse to get witch hunted for stealing nuclear secrets. Imagine explaining this to an alien visiting earth, or somebody who died six months ago.

“If they could the Biden Administration would force every American to drink Bud light and shop at Target.”

— Newt Gingrich (@Newt Gingrich) 1686685891 

"If they could the Biden Administration would force every American to drink Bud Light and shop at Target." For those are the true marks of tyranny. First they forced me to go to Target and I was like OK sure, I need TV trays and underpants. Then they forced me to drink Bud Light and I was like OK, do you have any other kinds of beer? That's not my favorite one. But they were like no, we only have this one, and I was like OK, because I wanted a beer. Then ...

WHAT IS THE "THEN"? WHAT'S NEXT?

Yesterday on his show, Charlie Kirk responded to reports that Starbucks had removed its Pride decorations — fucking cowards if so, but Starbucks says the union that reported that is full of shit, so stay tuned for clarification — by gloating and pushing some shitty conservative coffee for conservatives, we don't know. And he said these words:  

“We are now having to — I’m guilty of this. I’m going through my kitchen, I’m going through my refrigerator, and I’m starting to ask the question, was is this ketchup bottle woke? Is this mustard?

“I mean literally, we’re at the place now where we have to go through, is the company that makes this woke?”

That is definitely normal and doesn't make him sound like an absolute lunatic to all normal people. I open my refrigerator and try to find out if my ketchup is woke. Is my mustard? Is my barbecue sauce transgender? Does my mayonnaise have pronouns? Did my beer say hello to Dylan Mulvaney? Are all my condiments full of cum? Cool story, normal man.

Combine that with his message this weekend that women who want to be surgeons should at least consider being pregnant chattel wives instead, and you've got an electoral winner, we bet.

Also I am deleting "Callin' Baton Rouge" and "The Thunder Rolls" because Garth Brooks saidI have to be nice if I come to his bar in Nashville and he's serving a beer I don't like, and Target is selling clothes I don't like, and "Cracker Barrel has fallen"and"This is not the Lord's chicken, it's the woke chicken" and I am mad at Mickey Mouse andbaseball is triggering me because there are some funny gay nuns going to one game in one city I don't live in and somebody somewhere might be having fun I don't approve of and God even knows what I'll be mad about tomorrow.

Probably the new live-action Bambi. But not because it's stupid and literally nobody is asking for a Bambi where the characters are real animals. Probably because one of the voiceover characters ends up being Black or non-binary or something, guess we will just have to wait and see.

 What's This About Chick-Fil-A Boycotts And Jizz In The Frosted Lemonade Now? 

 Garth Brooks Being Woke, Stinky And Christlike, Says NO ASSHOLES ALLOWED 

 Oh My God, They've Killed Cracker Barrel! 

 LA Dodgers Tell Catholic Extremists To F*ck Off, Reinvite Fun Gay Nuns To Pride Night 

Also whatever Donald Trump did was good and right and pure and true because Hillary Clinton did emails and Hunter Biden had a penis in Ukraine one time or maybe he didn't but Chuck Grassley and James Comer say there might be tapes and the tapes might have something on them and that something might be bad but maybe not.

“Lordy there might be tapes and they might say things and the things might be true but maybe not IDK”

— Evan Hurst (@Evan Hurst) 1686689116 

Every single one of you is nailing it, no notes.

Please run on this in every election.

[ Media Matters / h/t JoeMyGod ]

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here. 

Just got to BlueSky! 

I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.

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