Costco Persecuting All The Christians Again, Labels Book About Talking Snake Handing Out Fruit As 'Fiction'

Uh-oh, you guys. It looks like Costco has made White American Jesus shed some tears from his shiny, manly blue eyes. In an obvious move to persecute Christians, Costco set up a lion pit and began throwing Christians into it. Not really, because that would actually be persecution. Rather, Costco accidentally labeled some Bibles as fiction. But not all Costcos -- just one store in California. Clearly, there are only two options to rectify this: repeal Obamacare or INPEACH Costco. Probably both, to be on the safe side. Logic, bitches.

Here's what happened. A pastor in Simi Valley, California, was searching for 8,000 rolls of toilet paper and 62 gallons of peanut butter one day when he came across the book section in Costco and noticed that the Bible was labeled 'fiction.' He asked a couple of store employees, but they didn't really know what to say. So the good pastor snapped a photo of it and, as FoxNews.com says, he "tweeted it out to his flock."

Now there are a few reasons we can think of for labeling the Bible as fiction, such as:

• Snakes offering fruit to naked people in a magical garden;

• Burning yet unconsumed bushes speaking to people;

• Destroying city walls by marching around them and blowing trumpets;

• People living until they are more than 500 years old;

• A boy named Sue;

• A magic carpenter raising people from the dead; and

• Multi-headed beasts heralding the destruction of the universe.

Sure, these things could have happened. Or they could be myths and stories meant to teach a religious lesson only to be misinterpreted by centuries of religious scholars more concerned about retaining religious authority than seeking spiritual enlightenment. But more likely, these things definitely happened, right? Right.

Some people got their spiritual panties in a wad:

Steven Smith, of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, said the fiction label identifies the thinking of the labeler more than the content of the book.

“To label the Bible fiction is a practical front for an ideological foundation that assumes things spiritual are unreal,” he told me. “What is odd about this choice is the glut of books in the "religion and spirituality" sections in mainstream book stores. However, as large as "spirituality" sections are, there must not be any room for Christianity. Modern thinking on spirituality is too exclusive to allow for the Bible.”

It could be a giant theological conspiracy seeking to marginalize the 70 percent or so Americans who claim to be Christian. Then again, it could also just be a labeling error, per a local Fox News station:  

“We deeply regret the mislabeling of the Bible and meant no offense to anyone,” [Costco] wrote in an email received by several customers. “The buyer has let us know that this was an error and the books are being pulled off the shelves to be re-marked.”

The pastor, Caleb Kaltenbach, who found the mistake (or unraveled the conspiracy theory??!?) waffled between sounding reasonable and going off the deep end. First, the reasonable:

“On the one hand Christians should not yell out ‘persecution’,” he said. “We aren’t living in Iraq or Iran."

My, that is a really good point. This isn't a theocracy and there is no reasonable person anywhere who looks at America and thinks, "Boy, there is a country that really persecutes Christians."

But apparently the good pastor couldn't leave well-enough alone:

I doubt they would label the Koran as fiction, Pastor Kaltenbach said. Heaven help us if they did.

Yes, indeed. Because all the Mohammadeans would don their turbans and jihad Costco like 9-11 because mooslims = terrorists. Is that what the good pastor meant?

You know what, we agree that Costco should have labeled the Bible as 'Religious' or 'Inspirational.' But come the fuck on, people -- to even begin to think that this is some sort of broader conspiracy makes it seem like you have a persecution complex. Then again, if you are looking to become a martyr, we suggest you contact this guy, who might be able to work with you.

[ Fox News / MyFoxDC ]