Could President Mike Pence Eat Alone With A Woman VP, Or Is Mother Still 86-ing That?
He wouldn't say.
Imagine: The year is 2025 and Mike Pence has just been inaugurated president, because VP Kamala Harris had the courage to overturn the election her boss Joe Biden had just stolen via his son’s new laptop. Mike Pence’s running mate was some vile Republican woman, probably some fascist Christian anti-abortion jackhole. We’ll just call her Marjorie Dannenfelser, president of Susan B. Anthony Pro-Life America, since that’s the only woman we see on Pence’s list of endorsers who isn’t married to him.
So it is lunchtime in 2025, and President Pence is hongry and VP Lunatic Anti-Abortion Lady is hongry. Is Mike Pence allowed to eat lunch alone with her, or must he have a policeman or a grownup chaperone, to make sure nothing inappropriate happens in anybody’s Down-Theres?
It’s not a hypothetical. (OK the part about Mike Pence ever being president is, because LMAO.) We all know Mike Pence has historically not been allowed to be in the same room alone with a woman who is not his wife Karen Pence, whose nickname is “Mother.” It’s a thing. He’s allowed to be alone with gay guys he’s not married to, but not women. These are the Pence rules.
We guess at some point they decided as a couple that there was a reasonable chance that if Mike was alone with a woman who wasn’t Mother, he might get a boner attack and be compelled to fuck Un-Mother. And then, having forever stained his knob by placing it within Un-Mother, Mike Pence wouldn’t be a sinless special boy anymore and he’d have to go to hell to live with the Devil where fucking is the law.
Mike Pence was asked this week about how women aren’t allowed to be alone with him, and he wouldn’t answer the question! It happened at a NewsNation townhall, and the question from Leland Vittert was about how Pence used to have private by-themselves lunches with Donald Trump. “How would that work out if you had a female vice president?”
“Well that’s a very clever question,” Pence responded. “It really is.”
No, it fucking isn’t. It’s an entirely reasonable question. Could a highly hypothetical President Pence have goddamned lunch with a vice president who has boobies without being powerfully tempted to whip out Little Pence? This has implications for national security.
Here is a longer transcript:
PENCE: That’s a very clever question. It really is. Let me say, it’s a promise that my wife and I made to one another. It wasn’t a thing that was particularly controversial. When I was first elected to Congress, I did an interview about the fact that we kept our family close in public service.
Somebody asked us about some of the promises we’ve made to one another, and I remember I said, ‘Well I promised her that I wouldn’t dine alone with a woman that’s not my wife.’ Wasn’t very controversial until after I became vice president. Somebody unearthed that quote and it became quite an issue.
Because it’s weird and implies that Pence has so little self control as a human being that he can’t share a meal with a woman colleague — any woman colleague! — without at the very least being desperately distracted by his desire to fuck her. That he is just dangerously horny at all times. That he makes orgasm in his pants when he goes over a railroad track. That he is a weekly “unspoken” prayer request.*
Could President Pence appoint a woman chief of staff or secretary of State or veep, knowing someday they might need to have a private conversation and would Pence have to have an accountability buddy with him for all such interactions, and would Pence be able to stand up and leave the room without revealing that he had a boner accident in his pants during the meeting?
Fuck.
Later in the clip Pence whines that all the liberals made such a big deal of it when they found out Pence isn’t allowed to eat McNuggets in mixed company, like it was weird or something.
Yep. Definitely our fault for makin’ it weird. For sure.
*If you know, you know. If you don’t, don’t worry about it. Just a little joke for people who grew up in Evangelicalandia.
[vid via The Recount / JoeMyGod for the transcript]
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I always figured it was less "Mike can't control himself around the ladies" (because, I mean, come on, weak, sad, low energy) and more like "the ladies can't be trusted around Mike." Not that his sexual charisma would make all the ladies weak-kneed, more like they can't be trusted to not be lying liars to trap poor, hapless unchaperoned Mike in some sort of sordid scandal.
In any event, the whole thing is childish and ridiculous. Not really the qualities one needs in a leader of the free world. But then again, we've already had somebody way more childless and ridiculous, so...
It also implies that he thinks women lie about sexual assault.
So it's double grossness.