Crying John Boehner Wants You To Stop Saying He Tans

America's single greatest achievement, John Boehner, was interviewed on last night's 60 Minutes , and, thanks to his stage mom standing off camera, yelling at him to cry on cue, he didn't disappoint. "I've never been in a tanning salon in my life, I've never used a tanning product in my life," he said, his tears taking on an orange hue as they flowed down his face. "Burnt Sienna," not "Peach," is the natural skin color of white people, you see, despite what seven-year-olds coloring with a box of crayons will tell you. Other things John Boehner that will make this man cry: walking into a school -- something he will never do again because of the tears, so our education crisis is now solved -- and Barack Obama saying he is a mean hostage man.

"Some things, there are some things that are very difficult to talk about. Family, kids -- I can't go to a school anymore, I used to go to a lot of schools. You see all these little kids running around, can't talk about it," Boehner said. "Making sure that these kids have a shot at the American dream, like I did, is important."

And also these children pointing at him and making fun of him for crying just hurts his feelings even worse.

Stahl asked him why he got choked up on election night.

"Talking, trying to talk about the fact that I've been chasing the American dream my whole career," Boehner said.

If you don't remember, this election was about John Boehner and his being allowed to put up a new mark of accomplishment next to his shelf of tee-ball trophies.

In an interview with Leslie Stahl of “60 Minutes” for broadcast Sunday night on CBS, Boehner said Obama showed him “disrespect” by calling him a hostage-taker.

“Excuse me, Mr. President I thought the election was over,” Boehner said, according to a transcript obtained by POLITICO. “You know, you get a lot of that heated rhetoric during an election. But now it's time to govern.”

So the man chose not to lie about you negotiating in bad faith. Boo hoo. [ TPM / Politico ]