Yesterday our Glorious Leader Barack Obama (peace be upon him) took to the White House press room for a briefing with the inchoate brain stems that masquerade as the national media. We didn’t watch this because we have some pride and self-respect (also, we were drunk), but we understand that B. Barry Bamz first talked about the success of Obamacare, then mooned the Capitol before twisting CBS News correspondent Major Garrett’s head completely off his shoulders and shooting some hoops with it out on the White House basketball court.
Ha ha, we kid about Major Garrett. Severed heads are notoriously difficult to dribble. But the president did tout the success of Obamacare - eight million people have now signed up for insurance through the exchanges, exceeding the original projection by one million (and by two million the revised projection the CBO put out after the initial bungled rollout of Healthcare.gov last fall). It was a bit of a victory lap for Obama, and who can blame him after the five years of non-stop shrieking and bitching and spiteful obstruction he has encountered in his pursuit of cramming the tyranny of affordable health insurance down freedom-loving Americans’ throats?
Oh hi, Dana Perino. Would you like to whine like a five-year-old at bedtime?
We’re watching and I’m like, you know what? The president’s got some good numbers, got some good news, and then I just lost it. I just don’t understand why he can’t help himself to just lead and say I have some good news for you America, I’d like to take your questions and leave it at that. And then people wouldn’t say why is he such a jerk all the time?
Dana Perino, who used to shill for the president who did this, doesn’t like this president touting a major accomplishment and saying that, after five years of wingnut bullshit, “this repeal debate now is and should be over.” Dana Perino, who once shilled for an administration that employed enough arrogant, chest-thumping jerks per capita to create a black hole of jerkitude from which no light escaped for eight years, thinks Obama is a jerk for wanting to move onto other business. Dana Perino, who if there is any justice in the universe will spend eternity in hell with a case of ass lice so itchy she’ll beg Satan himself for a blowtorch to ease the agony.
Obama also suggested that Congress get over his healthcare program already and start working on funding projects to fix our crumbling infrastructure, but since this is already the laziest Congress in the history of representative democracy, we expect they will get to that never. Besides, they still haven’t gotten to the bottom of that Benghazi thing. Priorities, people!
This post has been updated to reflect the fact that Major Garrett works for CBS News, not Fox. At Wonkette, we take seriously our journalistic integritude.
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on the helipad, of course
…especially the empty ones.