Democrats Did A Coup On Joe Biden, And Other Fever Swamp Theories

Is Joe Biden dead? The voices in our heads say probably!

After a long, long career serving our nation, Joe Biden has finally decided to retire by ending his campaign for re-election to the presidency. Given the circumstances, even Donald Trump supporters today are acknowledging the president’s love of country and the difficult nature of the decision he has made to stand aside in favor of Kamala Harris.

Ha ha ha, just kidding, they are freaking the fuck out that Biden just tossed a hand grenade right into the middle of Trump’s entire campaign strategy, which was basically “Biden old! Trump virile! Apes together strong! Vote Trump!” Now their candidate is the old one in the race, which is just not fair! Therefore, there must be something shady and/or illegal about the new circumstances.

The panic, added to their natural idiocy, has driven some of these wingnuts into the deepest of weird conspiracy swamps, where they are flailing around like waving inflatable tube dolls in a tornado. Come, let us take a quick tour through the muck! Keep your hands and arms inside the airboat, and we hope you have had all your shots.

1.     Did Joe Biden even sign his own resignation letter???????

Here is the letter announcing his decision that appeared on social media on Sunday afternoon. Note that Joe Biden’s name appears to have been underlined. Has Joe Biden ever underlined his own signature before? No, or at least not in these half a dozen examples out of the literally tens of thousands of instances of Joe Biden signing his name in his 50 years in public life!

Boy, that was quite a detail for the conspirators to overlook! The entire coup, foiled because someone couldn’t resist this nonsensical flourish. We expect Fox to have “handwriting experts” appearing on all its shows by the end of the day.

2.     Biden posted his endorsement of Harris to Xitter even though it is well known that he doesn’t even use social media!

Brace yourselves, folks, but politicians often have staff members who run all their social media accounts. Even Donald Trump doesn’t write all his own tweets.

Come to think of it, the wingnuts thinking this makes sense. Trump seemed to spend so much of his presidency on Twitter that his followers might genuinely consider it one of a president’s official duties.

3.     Come to think of it, has anyone even seen Joe Biden since this news broke, HEEENNNNGGHHHHH?

Lot of that going around. Here is ass-headed self-promoter Bill Ackman, last seen wondering how a Black woman could possibly be put in charge of Harvard when she isn’t even white, incapable of believing that no one apparently thought to snap a picture of Biden signing his letter or rushing him in front of the cameras on a Sunday afternoon when he just made what was possibly the most wrenching and difficult decision of his life while fighting a bout of covid:

Ackman probably also thinks Donald Trump was really working on his inauguration speech at Mar-a-Lago in a coat and tie instead of his usual activity of wandering into weddings to ramble about himself to 300 annoyed guests.

4.     Democrats did a coup!

Really more of a summation of earlier points than a new one, but we still find it funny to describe a political party convincing a nominee to stand aside for a different candidate as a “coup.”

None of the people who fell out of windows in Russia were, to our knowledge, the incumbent president of Russia and standing for re-election. Also, political parties are private entities, which find ways to force out leaders legally and without killing them all the time. Otherwise, great tweet!

5.     Biden is dying and his family is keeping it from the public!

Frank Biden might also have meant “for however much time he has left in the White House so we can revel in his historic accomplishments” or something. Anyway, first the nuts are all screaming that Biden appears frail and senile at every public appearance. So his staff keeps him away from the public for a few days and they want to know why the White House isn’t throwing the frail and senile old man in front of every TV camera they can find. Make up your mind, Lauren Boebert!

Still groping for relevance is old Boebs.

Yr Wonkette’s position is that if Joe Biden really was too sick to serve out the next few months, he’d have just fucking resigned and let Kamala Harris run as an incumbent president. At which point the wingnuts would be screaming about the unfairness of that.

6.     Harris’s huge fundraising numbers since Sunday reflect Ukrainian money being laundered through straw donors to the DNC.

Remember Bill Mitchell? One of Trump’s nuttier online fans who grifted his followers into paying for him to move from his backwater home in North Carolina to glamorous Miami? Yeah, here he is spewing … whatever this theory is:

Yeah, your guess is as good as ours.

7.     Birther shit!

We can’t find any public statements by original Kamala birther John Eastman, but some of his winger allies are bringing up his old theory anyway.

Kamala Harris was born in America. Ergo, she is an American citizen, even if her immigrant parents were not naturalized at the time of her birth. You would think that people who are always inveighing against “anchor babies” and have even made “ending birthright citizenship” an explicit goal of their party would get this, but it’s more profitable for them to pretend they don’t.

8.     Soros! Drink!

You didn’t think we were going to get out of this without someone saying a member of the Soros family is the puppetmaster pulling all the strings, did you?

Conspiracism has been a GOP staple for decades, but in this case we think it’s safe to assume that much of it is coming from the panic of having spent months building up a campaign strategy of highlighting Biden’s age, and now seeing that go up in smoke.

Now, you’d think that a party continually making the point that Biden was a frail old man with one foot in the grave who was being propped up Weekend at Bernie’s-style by his staff would have a contingency plan in case all this caught up to Biden and he became incapacitated and had to drop out of the race.

And yet the GOP appears to have been caught utterly flat-footed by Biden’s move. Which makes it genius. Biden is very good at politics.

Anyway, Joe Biden is probably dead or comatose and Kamala Harris is already POTUS, the end. Or is it???

[Xitter / Xitter / Xitter / Xitter]

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