Old Handsome Joe Biden Peaces Out

All hail the hero!

Joe Biden is a better president than he had any business being. Mr. Centrist Joe, the Senator from MBNA, governed on Big Government, Big Labor, Feed Kids and Piss Off the Corporations. He did more with a 50-50 Senate and None in the House than our previous favorite presidents did with a supermajority (which to be fair our previous favorite presidents had for about five minutes).

And then he got us out of our twenty-year war in Afghanistan, and instead of everyone saying “THANK YOU PRESIDENT JOE HERO FOREVER!” it curdled his approval for the next three years. He shouldn’t be unpopular! He should be extremely fucking popular! He should have roses and biker guys’ girlfriends thrown at him wherever he goes! And yet, we are a stupid, stupid people.

And now he has done the big sacrifice: Dropping out of the presidential race against that shitfuck Donald Trump, with the Project 2025 and the fascism, because the writing truly was on the (New York Times) wall. Yes, the NYT was disgusting. Yes, the donors’ shitfits and temper tantrums were atrocious. But it is truly the case that most Democrats — no, Wonkette commenters are not representative of normie Democrats — wanted him to go so they had a chance. Polls (fucked or not!) showed him losing landslides in the swing states. Young people were more than unenthusiastic. Young Black women weren’t sure they were going to vote at all.

It’s a Hillary-Russia reset button, but it doesn’t suck.

Joe Biden has done the correct thing and pushed back against people like Nancy Pelosi (WHAT????) saying there should be an open convention. Unless Madame Pelosi was telegraphing the most perfunctory Kamala v. Marianne Williamson convention fight in the world, what the fuckity fucking fuck? President Biden has endorsed his vice president, Kamala Harris — you remember the woman we all hired specifically to jump into his shoes should the need arise — even though, I don’t know if you know this, she is both Black and a lady!

Keening about our racist sexist nation elides the fact that Obama won twice, and Hillary won the popular vote with James Comey tied behind her back. Not choosing the Black woman because “other” people might be racist or sexist is the actual racist sexism. If you’re worried about that, I suggest NOPE.

SHHHH, NOPE.

My fellow Democrats, I have decided not to accept the nomination and to focus all my energies on my duties as President for the remainder of my term. My very first decision as the party nominee in 2020 was to pick Kamala Harris as my Vice President. And it’s been the best decision I’ve made. Today I want to offer my full support and endorsement for Kamala to be the nominee of our party this year. Democrats — it’s time to come together and beat Trump. Let’s do this.

Take a breath. Reset. Have a cocktail, or a pot if you’ve had all your drinks for this lifetime. I’ll see you in the morning.