Derp Roundup: Thanks For Keeping America Free, Ted Nugent!

It's a special 5th of July Derp Roundup, bringing you all the Red White and Blue idiocy we could scrape off our browser tabs. Please consume responsibly, and we hope that your pets are finally recovering from the barrage.

1. Your Inderpendence Day lede: Ted Nugent's WND column for July 3 explained that he “celebrates Independence Day every damn day,” mostly by just being the awesome pantsload that IS Ted Nugent. And by hating half his fellow Americans, too, because they voted for Obama and are therefore sheep who celebrate "Dependence Day."

   You see, America is being ruled by a dictator who ignores the people with all his executive orders, and his aim is to bring about the "end of America as we know her." And his scummy supporters are all those who aren't out there working hard like Ted Nugent, everyone who's growing fat and lazy on the hard work of others:

   With the runaway fraud and deceit infesting the welfare scams, entitlement scams, unemployment benefit scams, food-stamp scams, fuel subsidy scams, transportation scams, child support scams, disability scams, the suicidal scams running amok here, there and everywhere, it actually appears a sure thing that a huge swath of Americans actually do celebrate “Dependence Day” every day.

   Thank god that Ted Nugent is out there, doing his part to Save America with a concert tour where he plays his fresh hits of 40 years ago:

   So I “we the people” on with all I’ve got. I hit the road today for my 50th rock ‘n’ roll tour, about to perform my 6,500th rockout with professionals of the highest order surrounding me, and working-hard, playing-hard Americans celebrating this uniquely American soulmusic soundtrack.

   I suppose it is no coincidence that my new record and tour are titled SHUTUP&JAM!, for my “we the people” hell-raising duties are so full-time and exasperating in the face of this crazy government and the sheep that follow them that more often than ever in my life I need to indeed shutup and jam just to cleanse my soul and escape this heartbreaking fundamental transformation insanity, thereby celebrating my rugged individual independence with like-minded independent Americans.

   Freedom: preserved. Thank you, Mr. Nugent.

1. In Rifle, Colorado, a restaurant called "Shooters Grill" features waitstaff who carry loaded, holstered handguns. Restaurant owner Laura Boebert just wants to make it clear that she's no crazy radical kind of person, though, telling reporters, "We don't worship guns. We worship Jesus ... We're here to serve people." Also, there's a folksy sign out front:

   "Please keep all weapons holstered unless need arises. In such case, judicious marksmanship is appreciated."

   We think she may have found a niche market here, and hope Ms. Boebert will immediately open a franchise in Texas where the Open Carry gun-humpers will finally feel safe to come out of the cold.

1. Cindy Jacobs, an old-fashioned wackaloon TV prophet, revealed to the world that she'd had a prophetic vision informing her that "There is an another attack on the scale of 9/11 being planned!" You may remember Jacobs for taking credit for stopping the assassination of Ronald Reagan after her 6-year-old had a tummyache. Not the actual assassination attempt that John Hinkley made, but another one that you've never heard of because her prayers stopped it. She also explained this week that she has absolutely seen terrorist attacks coming in the past, and stopped them or at least made them less badder, like how her prayers kept the body count fairly low in the Washington Navy Yard shootings last year (but not stop them altogether, because Mysterious Ways), or how she woke up one night and told her husband they had to pray real hard because "there's somebody getting on a plane in London and they're going to try to blow up the plane" and so Richard Reed's shoe bombing was foiled, and sometimes God is fuzzy on the details because Richard Reed actually took off from Paris. Anyway, just to be safe, Jacobs recommends that we close the borders immediately because God talked to a TV prophet lady and told her "Shields Up." If nothing else, we look forward to the coming defamation lawsuit from Trekkies who don't want to be associated with flaky beliefs.

1. In the rural town of Heyburn, Idaho, Shawna Uriguen, 29, gave birth while driving to a doctor's appointment; she had been having contractions but they were so irregular that she didn't think she was in labor. Mom and babby girl are doing fine.

   “I was at the stoplight in Heyburn, and I was on the phone with my fiancé and I told him, ‘I think the baby’s here.’ I heard the baby crying, and I was still driving because I was trying to find a spot to stop safely and pull off the road without blocking traffic,” the mother said ...

   [Uriguen's fiancé Clay] Crown was driving to Burley for the doctor’s appointment when he heard the baby crying over the phone.

   “She had a couple of mild contractions that kind of took her breath away, but she was able to breathe through them. And then she had a big one and said, ‘I think the baby is in my pant leg.’ I told her to put the baby on her chest and just tried to keep her calm,” said Crown, a former volunteer emergency medical technician.

   It's official: "The baby is in my pant leg" is now Wonkette's safe word.

1. Remember the awful "NYPD Cannibal Cop" story from a couple years back? About the guy who wanted to kidnap women and cook them for dinner, but to his credit had no interest in raping them because that would be wrong? You may be delighted to know that Gilberto Valle may soon be free after a Federal appeals court found that his conviction on conspiracy to kidnap was based on insufficient evidence, and that, according to the judge's decision,

   The evidentiary record is such that it is more likely than not the case that all of Valle's Internet communications about kidnapping are fantasy role-play[.]

   And while Valle did use police databases to look up information on actual real live human women that he fantasized about cooking and devouring, once the conspiracy charge is gone, he's be left with a misdemeanor conviction for misusing the computer, which "would leave Valle with only up to a year in jail -- which he has already served."

   And in the best coda to a news story this month, Gothamist's story closes with the line:

   While in prison, Valle has been a cook. 

    Bon apetit! Save the livers!