Diamond, Silk, And An FBI Sexxx Play: Trump's Big Day Of NOT Learning About Putin's Murder Bounties!
Wonkette stole Obama's time machine.
Slate has an article right now about what Donald Trump was doing on February 27, which is one of the times he was supposed to be learning about how his best KGB handler daddy Vladimir Putin was paying the Taliban to murder American troops, so that he could do nothing about it. "Slate Pitch," we thought to ourselves when we saw the article: "What if we close tab on this story right now and not read it?"
But then we magically remembered, through the time-tested method of being reminded in the chatcave by Editrix Rebecca, that we already wrote about that day . Come back with us in the Splendid Spectacular Wonkette Time Machine Of Doom And Copy/Pasting, to February 27, 2020!
It was a dark and stormy night, picture It, Sicily, and Diamond and Silk were at the White House:
(DO YOU GET IT? IT IS THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 27 NOW.)
On Thursday, the stock market tanked almost 1,200 points, making it the greatest one-day drop in history. Worldwide coronavirus fears continued to spread, but it's OK, because Mike Pence is on the case, or maybe HHS Secretary Alex Azar is on the case, or maybe this other lady who actually does know science things about viruses is on the case, but whatever, it's cool. An HHS whistleblower says a bunch of HHS workers were sent to greet coronavirus evacuees landing at air bases in California without the proper training or protective gear, and sent back into the world without proper testing, and they reassigned her and told her to shut up or get fired, but really, we are sure it's fine.
Point is, they got this.
And to show you how much the president himself has it under control, here is Donald Trump meeting with
the coronavirus task forceDiamond and Silk in the White House on Thursday.
TRUMP meets with DIAMOND AND SILK in the White House www.youtube.com
It was a totally good and normal science meeting, with many strategies discussed. Diamond said we have to vote all the DemocRATs out, and Silk expressed gratitude to Trump for allowing her, a black woman, a "seat at the table," specifically saying that such a thing wouldn't have happened under Barack Obama, whose White House famously banned black women.
Silk also discussed the eagerly awaited new book coming out from noted authors Diamond and Silk. Coronavirus: cured!
Also Candace Owens was there, and that is the most interesting thing anyone on the internet will have to say about that.
Point is, if these women are not actually on the coronavirus task force yet, they probably will be by dinnertime.
(Wonkette writer Stephen Robinson chiming in from the Wonkette Chatcave: "I can't believe the Constitution allows Candace Owens, Diamond, and Silk to all be in the same room together. What if there's an accident? What will my people do?")
During the Diamond and Silk summit, Trump probably had very good reasons for having a conniption because MSNBC's Hallie Jackson, who is pregnant, had to leave the room for some reason:
He re-upped the attack again soon after, saying it was "pretty pathetic" that the NBC reporter had slipped out of… https: //t.co/leVGmu9uVq
— Josh Wingrove (@Josh Wingrove) 1582846887.0
Don't worry, though, Trump did share the latest science findings on coronavirus during the Diamond and Silk summit:
[ia_video https: //s3.amazonaws.com/roar-assets-auto.rbl.ms/runner%2F18502-runner_16250-trumpcoronavirus.mp4 source="https://s3.amazonaws.com/roar-assets-auto.rbl.ms/runner%2F18502-runner_16250-trumpcoronavirus.mp4" autoplay=true feedbacks=true shortcode_id=1593553479347 expand=1 ]
TRUMP: It's going to disappear, one day it's like a miracle, it will disappear, and from our shores, we've, you know, it could get worse before it gets better, it could maybe go away, we'll see what happens, nobody really knows, the fact is, the greatest experts, I've spoken to them all, nobody really knows.
Suck it, Bill Nye the Science Guy!
Trump also spent some time Thursday — before the Diamond and Silk summit — doing another important science meeting in the White House, with the creator and stars of the sexxxxxxxual and entertaining new playFBI: The 'B' Stands For 'Boner' , which is a dramatic re-enactment of the sexy texts between fired FBI officials (and Russian crime experts ) Peter Strzok and Lisa Page. (It's being staged at CPAC tonight!) According to Trump's intelligence briefers at Fox News, those two "lovebirds" led the Deep State Russia witch hunt plot against him, with their extramarital text messages. The play, which is actually not called what we said it's called, stars Kristy Swanson, AKA the lesser Buffy, and Dean Cain, the living answer to the question, "What if Superman just ... completely let himself go?"
Surely those two had some coronavirus science hot takes to share with Trump!
"We went for a 15-minute meeting that took 45 minutes," [conservative "playright" Phelim] McAleer said. "We were there for 45 minutes in the Oval Office, and he loves it, he loves the play."
(Trump has not seenFederal Boner Investigation 5: The Deepest State. )
And then they talked about coronavirus?
McAleer said Trump complained in the meeting about "why some people are in prison [and] why other people aren't"—an apparent re-airing of grievances that law enforcement officials involved in investigating his campaign haven't been charged, while his own campaign staffers have been.
And then they talked about coronavirus? McAleer says he does not remember.
"He did most of the talking," McAleer said.
back to the future GIF Giphy
Flashback over, did you make it safely back to the future? Splendid.
February 27 seems like such a long time ago, doesn't it? That's because we've all aged 50 years in the past four months.
To recap: On that day in history the stock market set a new record for the biggest single-day drop in history; Trump bragged about how great he was at combating coronavirus and said it would disappear like a miracle (still waiting); Trump had a good time with his Black friends Diamond, Silk, and Candace Owens for Black History Month; and he fangirled out with some D-list "celebrities" who were performing an FBI sexxx play about Trump's favorite FBI sexxx lovers.
Oh yes, and he DID NOT READ HIS MOTHERFUCKING BRIEFING BOOK THAT SAID OH BY THE WAY, YOUR BOY VLADIMIR PUTIN IS PAYING THE TALIBAN TO HUNT AMERICANS FOR SPORT.
This is almost as good as if it were the same day Trump suggested curing coronavirus with Lysol, but then we'd have to fire this season's writers, because that would be too perfect.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love Wonkette, WE NEED YOUR LOVE GIFTS TO KEEP US GOING.