DNC Night Two: How Many Hours Will Bill Clinton Talk Tonight? Here Is Your Livebloog!

No, Bill, we haven't forgotten.

We made it to Night Two of the Democratic National Convention, the roll call vote is all finished, and we can formally say America now has its first female major party nominee in history. Yes, Queen Elizabeth I is saying "So what? Big deal" across the centuries, but she didn't have to go up against the rightwing media machine for 24 years. Your Big Deal keynote speaker tonight is Bill Clinton, and if he decides to do an extemporaneous three-hour, statistic-packed, 100-percent-accurate takedown of Trump's "foreign policy," we are ready for it. We're betting he looked at Trump's instagram video bragging about how much applause he got, and how long he talked, and thought, "Challenge accepted."*

So who else is on tap for your Night Two liveblooging experience? We'll be hearing from Barbara Boxer, Amy Klobuchar, Howard Dean, and Madeleine Albright, as well as a bunch of entertainment people who are bigger names than Scott Baio: Lena Dunham, America Fererra, Debra Messing, Andra Day, Meryl Streep, and Alicia Keys, plus maybe some surprise visitors (Larry David? Don't hold your breath). There'll also be a segment featuring the "Mothers of the Movement," the mothers of Eric Garner, Trayvon Martin, Jordan Davis, and other unarmed black men whose lives weren't treated as if they mattered. There'll also be many assurances that law enforcement is still a thing worth having, although we should expect the wingnut takeaway to be "Democrats Heart Anarchy." The Trump tweets should be grossmusing.

* Joke stoled from Major Major Major Major, who stoled it from Spencer Hall on Twitter.

Already this evening, we've seen Elizabeth Banks do a pretty good spoof of Donald Trump's first-night entrance, although she might have been too hip for the room. Had a nice line about the Trump campaign's finances: "They're really hard up for cash. We got that fog machine for 30 bucks on ebay!"

DNC vice-chair Donna Brazile got more applause for saying "As your incoming chair of the DNC..." than for anything else in her speech, although she also rounded it off with a rousing "As long as she's in charge, we're never goin' back, and that's why I'm with her!" And then she danced offstage.

Eric Holder talked a bit about law and order and community policing, and looked uncomfortably like an ambitious assistant principal. He's gonna be school superintendent some day, just watch.

So let's get this Night Two livebloog going:

8: 22 Well, let's start out completely sincere, with a presentation from Mothers of the Movement, about whom we can only say we wish you never, ever had to show the world exactly how much grace and dignity you are capable of. NO jokes: these women have lived through hell.

8: 25 Politico lists the mothers and their children:

Gwen Carr, Mother of Eric Garner; Sybrina Fulton, Mother of Trayvon Martin; Maria Hamilton, Mother of Dontré Hamilton; Lucia McBath, Mother of Jordan Davis; Lezley McSpadden, Mother of Michael Brown; Cleopatra Pendleton-Cowley, Mother of Hadiya Pendleton; Geneva Reed-Veal, Mother of Sandra Bland

Geneva Reed-Veal just asks that we remember their children's names.

8: 30 Lucia McBath, mother of Jordan Davis, the young man murdered for being in a car with the music turned up too loud, says she's still thinking of how she should be parenting him. She hopes that "this club of heartbroken mothers stops growing."

8: 33 Trayvon Martin's mother, Sybrina Fulton, says she wishes she could simply remain unknown. But if she has a spotlight, she's going to use it to save our children through calling for gun safety measures. And for the election of Hillary Clinton.

8: 38 A musical interlude to give us some time to think about all the young people who were denied their god-given right to grow up. Jesus, this country of ours.

8: 40 Elizabeth Banks has the unenviable task of moving the room back into political rally mode. Fortunately, there's always Donald Trump in his own words to help us move that direction.

8: 42 Cecile Richards from Planned Parenthood is here to hand out free abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.

8: 46 If the head of Planned Parenthood isn't able to reassure you that Tim Kaine is good on choice, you may well be unreassurable. And let's have a moment of cheering for the judicial termination of Texas's terrible abortion law !

8: 51 These two teevee ladies are making a pretty strong case against Donald Trump. Deal them in -- and of course there's a woman card you can get with a text!

8: 55 Dok's been typing Mountain Time again, like that's even a thing. Fixed! And here's Steve Benjamin, mayor of Columbia, South Carolina, and father of daughters who are ready to grow up to be president, too.

8: 58 If they want to bring out Barbara Boxer to "Eye Of The Tiger," we are not going to disagree.

9: 00 Barbara Boxer didn't pay attention to the RNC at all last week! She seems to think -- along with a huge number of international leaders -- that Hillary helped America look good in the world. What about Benghazi?

9: 02 Barbara Boxer is a hell of a legislator, and sadly, not quite a hell of an orator. We agreed with every item on that laundry list, though.

9: 04 Debra Messing introduces the 9/11 portion of the program. Do you really want to introduce 9/11 with David Bowie's "Fame"? We have doubts.

9: 07 NYPD detective Joe Sweeney is a New York cop who ran into the wreckage to pull people out, so could we please remember that Republicans don't own 9/11? Sweeney has been a leader in the effort to get Congress to fund medical care for 9/11 first responders.

"Live and Let Die"? THE FUCK? Did Roger Stone switch the band's sheet music?

9: 13 Lauren Manning, 9/11 survivor, was burned over 80% of her body, and somehow they played her onstage to "Love Train?" We admire her, the music cues, far less. Hillary Clinton, then a senator, visited Manning in the hospital. Manning's assessment of Hillz: "A hell of a tough customer."

9: 17 To reprise a line from that era: If Americans allow their fear of terrorism to let Donald Trump in the White House, the terrorists win, quite literally.

9: 18 Rep. Joseph Crowley, who lost a cousin on 9/11, also says good things about Hillary's help for 9/11 first responders and economic aid to New York. (Music cue: "Imagine." Whew.)

9: 21 And how did Donald Trump respond to 9/11? He cashed in, says Crowley, taking aid payments targeted to small businesses, even though he said none of his properties were affected. This guy needs to be a regular on the campaign circuit.

9: 22 A quick stat shot from Buzzfeed's Andrew Kaczynski:  

9: 27 Erika Alexander lived in Flagstaff, Arizona? *I* lived in Flagstaff, Arizona, too!

9: 28 Ryan Moore, who has spondyloepiphyseal Dysplasia dwarfism (yes, we copypasted that) has a few words on the healthcare that Donald Trump would like to take away from a few tens of millions of Americans -- to be replaced with something "terrific." 

9: 33 Howard Dean is here! YEEAAAAAAHHH!

9: 34 OK, also, health care policy, and if Hillary couldn't get comprehensive health insurance through, then at least she did CHIP. Heh. Remember when one awkward scream could end a presidential campaign? Now, candidates can talk about murdering people or sending protesters out on a stretcher or anchors bleeding from their whatevers. Maybe 2004 was a better, gentler time?

9: 36 Mike Pence says single-parent families cause children to be emotionally stunted. Dr. Dean knows it has more to do with inadequate nutrition. Like what you get when health care funding, food stamps, and school lunch assistance are slashed.

9: 38 Howard Dean, you magnificent teasing bastard!

9: 40 And now, a moment for diplomacy and foreign policy.

9: 42 What? Hillary accomplished things as Secretary of State? We thought she spent four years plotting Benghazi!

9: 43 Hillary crashed a climate meeting and got China to agree to carbon cuts. Donald Trump gets his ties made there, then shakes his fist at 'em.

9: 44 And that Iran nuclear agreement? It's not handing Iran the Bomb. Doing nothing was accomplishing that. She built an international coalition to use sanctions to pressure Iran into largely dismantling its nuclear program. And it fucking worked.

9: 46 Rachel Maddow's favorite vice presidential pick, Amy Klobuchar from Minnesota. God we like her. Can we clone the Minnesota Senatorial delegation?

9: 48 Klobuchar knows about human trafficking, which Hillary Clinton fought as Secretary of State. There aren't going to be any jokes here for a few minutes.

9: 52 Ima Matul, sex trafficking survivor and advocate, would like to remind you that who's in leadership makes a difference to what a nation's priorities are.

9: 55 "Human trafficking is not just happening overseas. It is happening right here."

9: 56 You're probably not going to hear Donald Trump say anything about what Ima Matul thinks is important. But how about his golf courses?

9: 58 Madeleine Albright reminds us that Harry Truman was nominated in Philadelphia, too. She made Hillary eat Czech cabbage, but made up for it by introducing her to Vaclav Havel. Fair enough trade.

10: 00 Forget the Illuminati: Graduates of Wellesley (and we suspect Oberlin) actually run everything.

10: 04 The fact is, Donald Trump has already done damage to the United States' international relationships just by running for president. -- paraphrasing, but wow. Madeleine Albright is scathing here.

10: 05 Big Dog on the way. Roll the Bubba film!

10: 06 We have a pleasant Pavlovian reaction to seeing the UAW logo. Guess we're demmycrats, all right.

10: 08 Can we just take a moment to offer a hearty Fuck You to people who claim the Clinton Foundation is scammy? 88% of donations go to programs. Also this, too. Bookmark for your next online argument with A Idiot!

10: 11 "In the spring of 1971, I met a girl." So it's not a foreign policy address. Yet.

10: 15 
 

If you're gonna keep staring, I might as well know your name. I'm Hillary Rodham. THEY MET CUTE!

10: 16 You know, this whole "how I fell in love" thing from him is female DNC delegate crack. We can hear panties melting. Even in Boise.

10: 18 We're remembering the time in the early 2000s when, after some sex scandal, our ex AND her mom said they couldn't imagine why any woman would have been attracted to that particular politician. "Now, Bill Clinton... " "Oh, yeah."

10: 20 Oh, yes, the speech. Hillary investigated segregated academies and got their tax exemptions taken away. Under Richard NIXON.

10: 23 Hillary Clinton got children with disabilities into public schools. Donald Trump makes fun of people with disabilities. There's a contrast.

10: 25 We could listen to this guy talk about Hillary all night. This is, for all his fuckups, a man who is totally in love with his wife -- because she impresses the hell out of him.

10: 27 "I married my best friend." Big old goofball can make us misty, even.

10: 30 Did you notice Bill's been speaking 22 + minutes? Nope, neither did we.

10: 32 "My experience is, it's a pretty good idea to follow her advice."

10: 33 As Bill tells us about some of these Arkansas political battles, you know for damn sure he could tell us all the details. And make 'em fascinating.

10: 34 Pre-K programs, represent! Or maybe we should buy more bombs.

10: 35 "She's the best darn change-maker I ever met in my entire life." We have little doubt of that.

10: 38 Hillary Clinton worked with Tom DeLay on adoption and foster care. Because once upon a time, even political enemies could get work done. Imagine that!

10: 39 Hillary literally spent every year of her conscious life materially improving the welfare of others ... ALL FOR HER OWN GAIN!!!1!

10: 41 OK, the "she decided to give it a try," when applied to Hillary's 2000 Senate run, is a rare false note. You don't just run for Senate on a whim if you're Hillary Clinton. Maybe if you're some doofus who doesn't stand a chance.

10: 43 Hillary had to be wooed to take the Secretary of State job. Barack Obama didn't have to buy her a house, happily.

10: 47 Minority report: 
 

10: 50 Erick Erickson is a horrible piece of shit, but he's right:

10: 55 That man knows how to give a speech. He could have gone another 30 minutes. an hour, not so much. Whooo!

10: 57 Celebrities made a little something for Hillary! It is not a clumsy misshapen ashtray, but a video that will get a billion views just from people figuring out who that was at a particular moment. We recognized Simon Pegg!

10: 59 Meryl Streep gives us the Dean Scream Howard denied us! GODDAMMIT AMERICA, YOU MOUTH-BREATHING DOLTS, LISTEN TO HOLLYWOOD.

11: 01 Meryl is now listing the next roles she would like to play.

11: 03 We would very much like to make some history in November! Rather than, you know, end it.

11: 04 Hell, yeah, Shirley Chisholm. And ELEANOR FUCKING ROOSEVELT, MOTHERFUCKERS! (yes, we're kind of into this, a little.)

11: 06 How dare Alicia Keys politicize this party convention by mentioning guns.

11: 08 Major Major Major Major in the Sekrit Chatcave: "All right, they're starting to make me enthusiastic about Hillary Clinton again, for the first time since @ 1992. DAMN YOU, EFFECTIVE ORATORY!"

11: 09 Hillary and Bernie supporters, you'd better be getting nekkid together now. YOU ARE NOT TO DEFY ALICIA KEYS.

11: 15 Hillary shattered the Glass...uh, flat panel display? Also, that line about "if any little girls are watching" reminded us of this:  

11: 20 Alicia Keys just told all you people to get busy. You do that now, OK? And we'll see you in the morning!

11: 22: And of course, it's already up on YouTube! How do they DO that?