Documents Proving Epstein Was Murdered By Deep State Still Missing Somehow

But Pam Bondi and Kash Patel will get to the bottom of it.

On Thursday, the nation was treated to the sight of a bunch of right-wing sociopaths walking out of the West Wing ... well, okay, we’re treated to that every day under Donald Trump’s presidency. It’s like a never-ending parade of lunatic escapees from a Victorian-era asylum up there, only slightly better dressed.

But Thursday’s parade was special. Thursday was when a bunch of right-wing weirdos, including Chaya “Libs of TikTok” Raichik and Nazi Jack Posobiec, were invited to the freaking White House for the long-awaited release of the Epstein files. These are the supposedly secret documents relating to investigations of criminal lothario Jeffrey Epstein and the many high-profile friends for whom he spent years procuring underage girls for having the sex and whatnot.

This was it! This was why the loons have been ranting about high-level coverups on their Twitter accounts and their podcasts for what feels like eons! This is a giant step to uncovering whatever the damn conspiracy is supposed to be!

Except, whoops, what they were handed during this high-profile meeting were binders full of documents that they could have gotten just by searching on Google. We guess that would not have had quite the same thrill as getting them at a White House meeting:

The highly-anticipated “first phase” release related to the disgraced financier Thursday ... contained no major new allegations about Epstein nor his associates. About 200 pages – split between 10 files – include a series of flight logs of Epstein’s private jet, a partly-redacted “contacts list,” and a blacked-out list of “masseuses.”

We wonder if any of these dumbasses noted that Donald Trump’s name was all over those flight logs, or if the DOJ redacted them and hoped that while they were actually meeting Trump in the Oval Office, the idiots would forget that Trump and Epstein were close buddies who partied together all the time. Or that Attorney General Pam Bondi was the Florida attorney general while Epstein was raping all the minors.

The documents being public information repackaged as some kind of state secrets did not stop the hand-picked bunch of Epstein-thusiasts at the meeting from bragging about their early access to crap they probably already had saved on their phones. Seriously, have you ever seen a happier bunch of assholes than these particular weirdos waving thin binders full of Epstein-related documents at the assembled press corps and grinning like hostages who had just been released after five years of imprisonment by Somalian pirates? You’d have thought they had just played chess with Death and mated him in five moves.

Then the rest of the public got a look at the released documents and discovered that it had been had. Wingnuts were all over the Internet complaining that the files were a joke. The House Judiciary Committee’s official X account even briefly posted a link that was supposed to go to Epstein documents but instead went to the Rick Astley video for “Never Gonna Give You Up.”

Yep, that’s right, the House Judiciary Committee, which is run by Republicans, tried to Rickroll its supporters like it’s still 2008. Maybe they meant it in sympathy with the people feeling suckered. Nonetheless, supporters did not appreciate the mockery. Yr Wonkette would think they would be used to it by now. Alas.

So What Are The Trump/Jeffrey Epstein/Underage Girls Rape Accusations? A Very Gross Explainer.

Attorney General Pam Bondi, who is a fricking idiot, and the Department of Justice were quickly forced to acknowledge that the released documents were nothing new, which would be embarrassing if Bondi were capable of feeling shame.

Bondi had spent days claiming she had all the Epstein files. As recently as Wednesday, she told Fox News she had the files sitting on her desk, presumably placed under a carton of peroxide to keep them from being scattered by the giant gusts of wind constantly swirling in and out of the howling void behind her forehead.

So, perhaps realizing that she had failed to hold off the baying hounds, or more likely because she’s a fricking idiot, Bondi announced that these files in binders marked “declassified” even though the documents had never been classified in the first place, were not all the Epstein files, because the FBI is engaged in a cover-up.

In fact, there are allegedly “thousands” more pages of documents related to Epstein that a whistleblower in the FBI’s New York office told Bondi about that the Bureau failed to acknowledge. So later on Thursday she sent a harsh letter to newly sworn-in FBI Director Kash Patel to get to the bottom of it.

Bondi demanded that by 8 a.m. on Friday morning, the FBI turn over “the full and complete Epstein files ... including all records, documents, audio and video recordings, and materials related to Jeffrey Epstein and his clients, no matter how such information was obtained.”

Ghislaine Maxwell Guilty, And BBC Brings On Alleged Accomplice Alan Dershowitz To Lawsplain It!

Typical conspiracy theorists. There are always more documents just out of reach that will really blow the lid off the whole dang cover-up. Whatever the cover-up is even supposed to be at this point. There are literally thousands of pages of Epstein-related material in the public domain already. Want to read the lawsuits that have been filed against his estate, or against his consigliere Ghislane Maxwell, or whomever? Public domain! Want to read the transcript of Maxwell’s criminal trial, where she was found guilty of sex trafficking and sentenced to 20 years in the slammer? Public domain!

Yr Wonkette suspects this is going to turn out to be a “we found new emails on Anthony Weiner’s laptop” situation. All the FBI documents will turn out to be chock full of stuff that has already come out in litigation, or they will contain irrelevant factoids that have no bearing on anything. Ms. Maxwell stated that contrary to public speculation, Epstein never provided America’s dad Tom Hanks with underage girls, things of that nature.

Meanwhile, Patel was busily assuring everyone that golly gee, he would get to the bottom of this calumny right away, and it would never happen again!

This was probably not the way that Patel wanted to end his first week as FBI Director, since he had already alienated half the Bureau by installing Dan Bongino as his second-in-command and giving his subordinates a week to find $100 million he could use to start transferring people out of headquarters in DC to field offices in crime-ridden cities like Detroit and Cleveland, while he himself works from home in Las Vegas. Hm, no dog-whistling there:

Patel gave supervisors a deadline of February 28 to begin moving people out of the DC area, an order that officials told him was unworkable. Among the questions employees haven’t received answers to: will the government pay the costs for employees to break apartment leases in order to move quickly, according to sources familiar with the matter. Moving FBI employees is a process that can take about 100 days.

Patel reportedly told his subordinates he didn’t care, just get it done, so good luck to those employees who were given less than a week to pack up their lives and move to wherever.

People complain government is so unresponsive to many issues, but we’d note that so far, the Trump administration has been very responsive to every crackpot hallucination and racist dog whistle that has consumed the Right for decades. So government is working for the people, in a way. It’s just working for the dumbest and worst people.

[The Independent / Washington Post / CNN]

Please donate to keep Wonkette alive and really, really mad.