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Donald Trump And Ben Carson Having A Good Old-Fashioned God Fight
It's so good to see candidates finally addressing the serious issues
Oh, goody, the two top Republican primary candidates are having them a Godfight! It's all Ben Carson's fault, of course, because he "attacked" Donald Trump the other day by suggesting that Trump may not exactly be the world's most pious guy in the world. Trump, needless to say, is not taking that lying down, because what else would you expect from a man who likes the little Jesus crackers and is a YOOGE fan of the Bible?
The epic faith-off started Wednesday at a Carson presser in Anaheim, California, when the brain surgeon answered a reporter's question about what made him different from Donald Trump. Since they're both grossly under-qualified political noobs, he couldn't very well talk about his political experience, so instead, Carson went the God Route:
"Probably the biggest thing -- I've realized where my success has come from and I don't in anyway deny my faith in God," Carson said.
He explained what he meant by quoting what he said was one of his favorite bible verses.
"By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life and that's a very big part of who I am. I don't get that impression with him," Carson said of Trump. "Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't get that."
OK, first of all, how dare Ben Carson try to show off by quoting an actual Bible verse, when Donald Trump has made it abundantly clear that such things are very private and not to be spoken of on TV, lest someone steal your Magic Bag. And second of all, doesn't Carson know that God likes Trump better? Like Saint Paul, Trump immediately fired off an epistle:
Trump is incredibly proud of his ENORMOUS standing with Evangelicals, and Carson has the temerity to talk about humility? Trump will show Carson that he can crush him in the humility arena. He is so good at Christian humility, it will make your head spin.
Needless to say, it was time for Trump to bring out the big guns, and possibly the heat-seeking Missals. On CNN Thursday, Trump made it clear that in any battle of Christian Love, he would kick Ben Carson's quiet mumbling ass:
“Who is he to question my faith?” Trump asked host Chris Cuomo on CNN’s “New Day.” “He knows nothing about me.”
“I am a man of faith,” he said. “I hardly know Ben Carson. I’m a believer, big league in God. I will hit back on that.”
“I don’t think he’s a great religious figure,” Trump added. “If you look at his faith, you’re not going to make it very far.”
Trump also didn't care for Carson's lack of animation and also his supporters and stuff, complaining in a spittle-flecked wordpile:
Now all of a sudden he gets on very low key; frankly he makes Bush look like the Energizer Bunny, he's very low-key, he's got a lot of donors, a lot of people pushing him, but Ben Carson, you look at his faith, and I think you're not gonna find so much. And you look at his views on abortion, which were horrendous, and that's why I think I'm leading with all the Evangelicals.
Admittedly, it lacks the musicality of the Song of Songs, but it certainly gets straight to the essential point of the Sermon on the Mount: Get on the top of the mountain and shoot down everything that moves. Trump went on to question whether Carson really had any business being in an operating room:
He was a doctor, perhaps an OK doctor, by the way, you can check that out, too, we're not talking about a great... He was an OK doctor... and now because he's a doctor and he hired one nurse, he's gonna end up being the president of the United States?
So he separated conjoined twins at the head, what does that even mean? Big deal. How many golf courses have those twins even built, huh?
Trump also doubted whether Carson has anything like the vast knowledge of the Bible that Donald Trump does, because -- has he mentioned this? -- it's his favorite book, much better even than Trump: The Art of the Deal, but this Carson guy, maybe he barely even knows what's even IN the Bible:
For him to criticize me on my faith is absolutely... and for him to read from the Bible, in his memory, it looks like he memorized it about two minutes before he went on stage. Ben Carson is not going to be the next president, that I can tell you.
Trump also apparently heard something or other about Carson's participation in a study that involved studying fetal tissue, which in Trump's brain turned Carson into someone who was "heavy into the world of abortion" -- probably going to all the big abortion parties and doing the secret abortion handshakes, for all we know. Not that facts matter all that much, but Carson actually supports banning abortion after 20 weeks and claims that fetal tissue research -- like the kind he wrote a paper on -- is next to useless.
For his part, Carson told the Washington Post that he doesn't want to continue the Godfight anymore:
“The media frequently wants to goad people into wars, into gladiator fights, you know,” he said. “And I’m certainly not going to get into that” [...]
“Everyone is going to be saying, ‘Oh there’s a big fight, everyone come watch the fight,’” he said. “But it's just not going to be as great as they think, because I’m not going to participate.”
Carson told the Post that he hadn't intended to insult Trump's faith at all:
“I would like to say to him that the intention was not to talk to him but about what motivates me,” he said about his religion comment. “If he took that as a personal attack on him, I apologize, it was certainly not the intent.”
As we go to press, Trump has not yet responded to Carson's apology, but we feel fairly safe in predicting that he'll call Carson a weakling and a loser who's afraid of a straight up Jesus fight, then celebrate having crushed him.