Donald Trump Declares Self Florida Man, Demands Bath Salts
Faces to be eaten, probably served at room temperature.
Donald and Melon Trump last month officially took the plunge and filed paperwork to make the great state of Florida their primary residence, reports the New York Times. A White House source told the Times the move was primarily for tax purposes, although we also wouldn't be the least bit surprised if a future story by the nation's Paper of Record also cites the couple in one of its periodic reviews of 2016 Trump voters who haven't yet decided how they'll vote in 2020.
The Trumps filed a "declaration of domicile " with the Palm Beach County Circuit Court, saying their primary residence is now Mar-a-Lago; the declaration states his "former" primary residence as 721 Fifth Avenue in New York (Trump Tower), and also lists other residences as 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, and Trump's Bedminster, New Jersey, golf club. The Times notes that Trump has hardly spent any time at all in his beloved Trump Tower penthouse, just 20 days since he took office, compared to 99 days in his Florida trash palace, which is better for golf and far less trouble for the Secret Service to protect.
Trump patriotically said on Twitter he had to leave New York because the entire state and city governments are very mean to him, although he loves the people who inexplicably elected those governments.
....New York, and always will, but unfortunately, despite the fact that I pay millions of dollars in city, state an… https: //t.co/zpN8rA6XXy
— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1572571964.0
Few people have ever been treated worse in New York than poor Donald Trump, which will certainly be news to the families of Eric Garner or Kalief Browder, the young man who was arrested at age 16, was held at Rikers Island for three years without trial, then was released when the charges were dropped. He killed himself in 2015. Or perhaps the Central Park Five, who Donald Trump himself wanted dead, even after they were fully exonerated. Or perhaps any of the thousands of people whose lives were thrown into chaos by racist "stop and frisk" policies. Still, poor Donald Trump.
The Times also daintily notes "There is no way to fact-check his assertion" that he pays "millions of dollars in taxes," seeing as how he's never released his taxes, and is in the middle of a fight right now to stop the release his New York state taxes. Experts agree the claim of Florida residency won't do dick to affect that case, although it should significantly reduce Trump's personal taxes, since Florida has no state income tax.
in changing his residence to Florida, he would most likely be avoiding New York State's top tax rate of nearly 9 percent and New York City's top rate of nearly 4 percent.
Leaving New York could also save money for Mr. Trump's heirs at the time of his death. New York imposes a top estate tax rate of 16 percent for estates larger than $10.1 million.
And wouldn't you know it, Trump's very own 2017 Big Fat Tax Cuts for Rich Fuckwads included a hell of an incentive for rich fuckwads like Donald Trump to pull up sticks for Florida, at least on paper and a minimal number of days per year.
In an article in the Florida Bar Journal in January 2019, three lawyers with Proskauer Rose wrote about the recent wave of people moving from New York to Florida in "large part" because of the repeal of the state and local tax deduction that was a byproduct of the tax bill that Mr. Trump signed into law in 2017.
Still, like other rich exiles in Palm Beach, Trump may face some challenges in proving to tax authorities that he's really truly a Florida Man. Like, even more than waving around a plaque showing he won a Trump golf fuckadoody tournament he never played in.
To that end, Yr Wonkette would like to suggest some simple actions Trump can take to prove he really is a Florida resident.
A meth-fueled crime spree is a must, especially if he can managed to get arrested doing any of the following:
Taking a break from running to play with the cat in a house he breaks into
Offering to pay a prostitute with a salad
Kidnapping a monkey (Hasn't he always wanted a monkey?)
Shooting himself in the leg after brandishing an assault rifle in a road-rage incident
Changing his name to "Elvis" and taking potshots at some cows from a Hyundai Sonata (yes, yes, you filthy fuckaducks, a mooooving vehicle)
Changing his name to "Pork Chop," burying a construction foreman with dirt from a front-end loader, beating said foreman with a metal pole, then claiming it was an unfortunate accident
Again, we regret not having time to apply that fun face-merging software to a DJT photo
Or maybe Melon could phone cops surrounding Mar-a-Lago and ask them to hold off storming the place until they can do some pre-arrest boning, though that ones seems waaaaay unlikely.
[ NYT ]
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So he shall be with his fellow Florida Men (tm)